Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Taking good care of me


Taking good care of me. 
Some have asked me what that means; all I can say is that:

  • It is something that we have to learn to do for ourselves.
  • It is giving to ourselves what we have previously expected and been disappointed that others would not/could not provide. Even when they made promise that they would.
  • It is knowing myself enough to give to myself what I truly need and sometimes what I really want and learning to not feel guilt over it, it is all for me.
  • It is understanding that “all that is good” may not be good for me all the time.
  • It is allowing myself the right to “be selfish” and think of myself now and then.
  • It is enjoying BEING me; no matter what anyone has to say about that.
  • It is ALL about knowing that I am WORTH all the effort that I invest into MY life; I have invested in others lives and been disappointed.
  • It is KNOWING that when I invest in myself; I will not fail myself; I will not disappoint myself.
  • It is all about doing for myself what I do not want to share with others.
  • It is all about doing for myself what I will not entrust to others.
  • It is all about doing for myself what I will never again, rely upon others to do for me; because I CAN DO IT MYSELF and there are no strings of obligation that I will have to submit myself to later.

Things that I do to “take good care of me”.

  • I realize when I have a need and don’t allow myself to feel guilty for being human.
  • I have learned that “what my heart” seems to want is not always what may be the best for me but I will listen to it and follow my heart where it leads...at least a few times until I can trust it to want WHAT IS GOOD for me.
  • I will concern myself with myself and not worry first about everyone else.
  • Treat myself to flowers, candy, bubble baths. Take long walks in the park, make a stop at the pet store to play with a puppy or take myself to a movie.
  • Be creative: Paint a picture, write a song, indulge in my thoughts until they overflow on paper in a cacophony of words; not giving any concern about what anyone else would think of these things and enjoy them myself...with myself...by myself...for myself.
  • ASK MYSELF what is most important to me; what I can “let go” of easily and what I would really like to NOT have to let go of but WILL let go of it before it would be used to hurt me.
  • CARE for myself; I am a very important person.
  • Recognize the “me” that I might have run from my whole life. Be gentle with “me”. Be kind to “me”. Treat “me” as I would a best friend.



Sunday, January 26, 2014

To trust or to depend...that is the question.

M.C. Esher: Unity of Mind

This blog entry comes after placing my trust in another personwho was not trustworthy; 
or better described as placing my dependence 
upon one who proved to be undependable. 


Let’s discuss trust and dependence.




Trust:
the act of holding one accountable to keep their word,
in hope of experiencing the faithful execution of another’s devotion to our welfare.


Dependence:
the sometimes required act of placing one’s reliance and total trust in another’s provision;
our fulfillment of need being solely dependent upon them.


To be dependent upon someone or some thing is so very different from trusting. I can believe that a chair can support my weight and may trust that if I sat in it, I would surely sit securely and safely. But it is not until I DEPEND UPON IT that I find whether or not it was wise to trust it. My reliance upon it to uphold my weight is far different from trusting in it to do so without action on my part.


I gave up my job of 23 years; a good job, a job where I had responsibility, a position of honor and worth, good income and benefits and work hours and even friends that I have made over the years. I gave it up in hope of a life with the one man that I had believed that I had loved all my life; my first love. The day after Valentine’s Day upon receiving a dozen red roses at my workplace, I felt great hope that the love that we had once shared was still alive and that I could trust him and our union to be the life that I had dreamed of for the past 25 years. Upon trusting him, he told me that I could depend upon him; to be his wife, his life partner and that “his home was my home” and together we would have the union with another as we once experienced and to create a home where none had existed.


All the material things that I “let go” of are really of no consequence; though my dear friend’s daughter enjoys the cherry table, armoire and corner curio to this day that was once filled and adorned with my memorabilia and fine dishes and precious things. All but my rocker/glider that I had rocked my son as an infant and a chair my mother had purchased for their home with my family before dementia placed dad in a full care facility and mom moved to live with my brother out of state, had gone with me to our new home. I had lost so many “things” in my marriage to my son’s father; he had actually thrown them away without my knowledge and when I looked for them he said “there was no room, we had to downsize”.


This time, with my first love, I didn't mind giving up things in order to be with him. Things were not important to me. He was important to me. Being with him was my heart's dream for many years. Just as being with me, again, he told me repeatedly, had been his to the jealousy of both of his former wives. 

I thought, "If only I could see him once again”. I even wrote a goodbye song to him to try to get him out of my heart. It didn't work. Upon experiencing the sudden death of a fellow employee, I panicked at the thought that I might never see him again. Upon discovering that he was not married and that his mother had passed, my love and compassion for him rose and overtook my fear and encouraged me to contact him. I would not let death separate us forever.


It wasn't long before I realized that the same “attitude” that seemed to cause our tragic break up so many years ago, was still present. It was more than an attitude. It was a pervasive subterfuge and using of my love for him. It was its murderer. It was coveted to be protected above my needs and above the needs of our family.  It can be given many names but several that it can never be called is love. 

It was love on my part that trusted and upon being asked if I wanted to work or “be a housewife” and that “money is no issue”, I chose to depend upon him. Trust leads to dependence or at least it did in this instance but hopefully without the tragic disappointing outcome of this failed reunion. But it could not last. Where trust and dependence are violated, love cannot thrive. The greatest abuse was the mocking of my love, trust and dependence upon him and expecting him to keep his word and love me as he said was all "my fault". This is the insidiousness of mental illness. A mentally ill person will markedly show that they cannot endure close, intimate relationships; no matter how passionate and promising they seem to be.

I still loved him for some time but when I realized that there was no longer reason to hope for his trustworthiness, and that his words were just words, my heart shrunk back.  It withdrew. It retreated and hunkered down in self-protection. It felt as if the war was on to destroy my heart, my love for him. It was waged through words of trust and broken, proving his lack of dependability. I wanted to trust him but his behavior showed that he was not good to his word and that his love, well, it must not have been love at all. I could say that I was greatly deceived. In many ways, I believed this to be true. In many ways, I placed trust in one who was not trustworthy and my dependence upon one who is irresponsible and undependable. Both of our fathers were right.

***I hope this true story; a very brief synopsis of the concepts of trust vs. dependence is helpful to you. Abuse occurs when we place trust in untrustworthy people. Abuse continues as we place our dependence in undependable people; to the point of losing all that we have worked hard to own, cherished and had to flee and leave behind in order to end the abusive relationship. We may have even felt “stuck” and unable to leave; as I had felt. I realized that any possessions that I have left behind, are just things.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Focusing on what matters most



Why does it seem so hard at times to cut through all the FOG (frustration, obligation and guilt; otherwise known as BS, crap or abuse)? I know that in my life, it has not been easy. The heart sometimes seems to have a mind of its own. The dream that I held deep within my heart, doubting that it could ever possibly come true, DID. I found a way and I WALKED THROUGH IT...but what I found was far from a "happily ever after"...but that is okay. During my journey, I found something MUCH more important. 

What TRULY matters to you? If you are like me; a bit on the introspective, thinking and even analytic side of looking at life, you probably consider the "things of the heart" to be the most valuable. I know that though, right now, I am "living out of a suitcase", I STILL HAVE MORE than the one I left.  I have "me". I guess that means that I VALUE ME. I value the person who I am; who I have become and who I am becoming more each and every day. I value relationships. I value honesty. I value love. 


What truly matters in life??? Do you place a high value upon knowing yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again. I hope so. I have finally learned to VALUE MY SELF...and I hope that you have come through all the FOG to "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 


I value love; true love but that is not easily found though I once thought that I had found it, again...Here is an excerpt from a real life "love story". It didn't end with "a happily ever after"...it could have but it didn't. Nonetheless, the love that I felt for him was real. Very real.

The ambiance was heavy but so sweet in the subtle European bistro/breadshop as soft jazz thickened sexually stirred anticipation of so many years. It had been  9,210 days; 25 years, 2 months, and 18 days since we last "were a couple" and here we were, finally, together again. A joyful bustle of activity in the artistically designed eating area fit the childlike excitement in our hearts. Walking toward the counter to place our order I said "I'd just like coffee", knowing that my stomach had too many butterflies in it to hold anything else as I smiled at the man I have loved all these years.  I turned to the cashier; "Coffee in a real cup, for here please" and looking at Grant  "I love hazelnut" to which he replied "me too"...A unexpected answer but a knowing smile crossed our mouths. The first one that I have felt in a very long time. We filled our cups and sweetened and creamed our mugs of coffee and found a seat. 

He looked at me with such amazed wide eyes. Eyes filled with love; eyes that I had dreamed might never look back at me though how I longed for them. I am sure that mine were no different from his. It was really him. He is sitting in front of me and we held hands and eagerly, gently and ever so hungrily caressed each other's forearms, hands and sat smiling and talking and crying and laughing. "Oh, those dimples"; how I have missed them!" he unashamedly exclaimed. The sideways smile crept across my lips as a blush streamed across my face. I felt seen. I felt, again, that I was who I really am and with whom I really should have been with all this time. Affirmed and confident of my love for him; I smiled and let the love that had been SO hidden in my heart radiate from my being.

(As it actually occurred on Feb. 15, 2011, Panara Bread, Stow, OH)


After all of this, I would like to share that I am thankful that my dream came true; though, as I mentioned, it did not and will never end in a "happily ever after" for myself and the man in the story. It IS an HAPPILY EVER AFTER for me though. I have learned the things that have allowed me to release him from my heart once and for all...he is gone. I am free.

When I focused on what mattered, I focused on myself. 
I am worth it and so are you!!!








Thursday, January 2, 2014

Repost: We CAN "let go" and still hold onto ourselves




Photo: Scott Wright Photography
"We must be willing to let go 
of the life we planned 
so as to have the life 
that is waiting for us"
~ Joseph Campbell ~


Have you ever "clung onto" pain, hurt, regret, sorrow, grief and a myriad of other confusing and frustrating emotional states longer than you really needed in order to "heal and move on?" I think we all have done this. We tend to hold onto the familiar because the dreams that we have held deep within our hearts seem too far away. We are afraid of change. We are needing to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". We are not alone.

I was well into my late 20s before I realized that I had been abused; emotionally and physically by my father. I had always yearned to have a "daddy" like my school girlfriends but knew that I did not have one. I had a father. One who went about his life; even neglecting his own children. Being a middle child, I naturally withdrew into my own world and being an introvert on top of it, I retreated into my own imagination and thoughts. I became a singer, writer, song writer and "philosopher" of sorts; all because I had to let go of the dreams of wanting a "normal and healthy" family life and sought to find my own instead.

Sometimes we are disappointed by life's circumstances as they are thrust upon us so cruelly. Abuse, neglect and betrayal are just a few that we face, have to deal with and heal from in order to hear the song of hope and courage within our hearts; to "sing a new song". We all face these things but we may not deal with them in the most healthy ways. I have sought to FACE my life, my hurts, my pains as well as my joys and successes. Being empathetic and compassionate to others, I can see the hurt in other's hearts and minds. It is in these times, that I realize that I had to "let go" of what I thought life "should be like" for myself and others and just learn to ACCEPT LIFE as it is. This has made my life much more interesting, healthy and happy even.

I believe in healing wounds, second chances and dreams coming true. It hurts neither myself or others to believe this and only aids me in helping others find the healing path that I have found. It is a healing journey of self-awareness, self-acceptance and truth. It is not the life that I had sought to find because I had not been aware of it. 

I didn't understand
that I didn't understand
until I understood.
~ DER, Singing a New Song~


Another thing that I "did not understand" was mental illness; some are now calling it "behavioral illness" and it certainly is a dis-ease of a person's behavior and those who experience thus behavior can easily detect the "disconnect" between their loved ones hearts and minds as well as between each person involved. Mental illness is something that we MUST accept as a reality. It exists. It is insidious. It can ruin lives and loves. 

May I encourage you today to "study yourself"...what kind of person are you? What are your dreams? What is deep within your heart that you have never told another soul and what would you truly LOVE to share with someone, anyone who you could trust? Has mental illness of a loved one or even yourself, "held you back" from venturing into the "wonderful world of you"?  I know that mental illness does NOT make anyone "bad" or "less worthy" of love, respect, joy and LIFE. But if you know of someone who suffers from it and may even be the "one" who suffers with them, you are NOT alone. LET GO of the "life that you had planned", radically accept (check out radical acceptance ) the "life" that you may be living and a loved one may have been suffering through and "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Though you may have seen "your dream" fail for whatever reason, that does not mean that you can't find a new one. If you are reading this, you are already seeking MORE from life; you KNOW that you have a dream deep within you that is just waiting to be brought out "into the light" (Love (poem) by Roy Croft ) and LIVED out. 

Just believe that "YOU ARE WORTH IT", because you are and you can start on your healing journey.