To trust or to depend...that is the question.

M.C. Esher: Unity of Mind

This blog entry comes after placing my trust in another personwho was not trustworthy; 

or better described as placing my dependence 

upon one who proved to be undependable. 

Let’s discuss trust and dependence.

Trust:

the act of holding one accountable to keep their word,

in hope of experiencing the faithful execution of another’s devotion to our welfare.

Dependence:

the sometimes required act of placing one’s reliance and total trust in another’s provision;

our fulfillment of need being solely dependent upon them.

To be dependent upon someone or some thing is so very different from trusting. I can believe that a chair can support my weight and may trust that if I sat in it, I would surely sit securely and safely. But it is not until I DEPEND UPON IT that I find whether or not it was wise to trust it. My reliance upon it to uphold my weight is far different from trusting in it to do so without action on my part.

I gave up my job of 23 years; a good job, a job where I had responsibility, a position of honor and worth, good income and benefits and work hours and even friends that I have made over the years. I gave it up in hope of a life with the one man that I had believed that I had loved all my life; my first love. The day after Valentine’s Day upon receiving a dozen red roses at my workplace, I felt great hope that the love that we had once shared was still alive and that I could trust him and our union to be the life that I had dreamed of for the past 25 years. Upon trusting him, he told me that I could depend upon him; to be his wife, his life partner and that “his home was my home” and together we would have the union with another as we once experienced and to create a home where none had existed.

All the material things that I “let go” of are really of no consequence; though my dear friend’s daughter enjoys the cherry table, armoire and corner curio to this day that was once filled and adorned with my memorabilia and fine dishes and precious things. All but my rocker/glider that I had rocked my son as an infant and a chair my mother had purchased for their home with my family before dementia placed dad in a full care facility and mom moved to live with my brother out of state, had gone with me to our new home. I had lost so many “things” in my marriage to my son’s father; he had actually thrown them away without my knowledge and when I looked for them he said “there was no room, we had to downsize”.

This time, with my first love, I didn't mind giving up things in order to be with him. Things were not important to me. He was important to me. Being with him was my heart's dream for many years. Just as being with me, again, he told me repeatedly, had been his to the jealousy of both of his former wives. 

I thought, "If only I could see him once again”. I even wrote a goodbye song to him to try to get him out of my heart. It didn't work. Upon experiencing the sudden death of a fellow employee, I panicked at the thought that I might never see him again. Upon discovering that he was not married and that his mother had passed, my love and compassion for him rose and overtook my fear and encouraged me to contact him. I would not let death separate us forever.

It wasn't long before I realized that the same “attitude” that seemed to cause our tragic break up so many years ago, was still present. It was more than an attitude. It was a pervasive subterfuge and using of my love for him. It was its murderer. It was coveted to be protected above my needs and above the needs of our family.  It can be given many names but several that it can never be called is love. 

It was love on my part that trusted and upon being asked if I wanted to work or “be a housewife” and that “money is no issue”, I chose to depend upon him. Trust leads to dependence or at least it did in this instance but hopefully without the tragic disappointing outcome of this failed reunion. But it could not last. Where trust and dependence are violated, love cannot thrive. The greatest abuse was the mocking of my love, trust and dependence upon him and expecting him to keep his word and love me as he said was all "my fault". This is the insidiousness of mental illness. A mentally ill person will markedly show that they cannot endure close, intimate relationships; no matter how passionate and promising they seem to be.

I still loved him for some time but when I realized that there was no longer reason to hope for his trustworthiness, and that his words were just words, my heart shrunk back.  It withdrew. It retreated and hunkered down in self-protection. It felt as if the war was on to destroy my heart, my love for him. It was waged through words of trust and broken, proving his lack of dependability. I wanted to trust him but his behavior showed that he was not good to his word and that his love, well, it must not have been love at all. I could say that I was greatly deceived. In many ways, I believed this to be true. In many ways, I placed trust in one who was not trustworthy and my dependence upon one who is irresponsible and undependable. Both of our fathers were right.

***I hope this true story; a very brief synopsis of the concepts of trust vs. dependence is helpful to you. Abuse occurs when we place trust in untrustworthy people. Abuse continues as we place our dependence in undependable people; to the point of losing all that we have worked hard to own, cherished and had to flee and leave behind in order to end the abusive relationship. We may have even felt “stuck” and unable to leave; as I had felt. I realized that any possessions that I have left behind, are just things.