Focusing on what matters most

Why does it seem so hard at times to cut through all the FOG (frustration, obligation and guilt; otherwise known as BS, crap or abuse)? I know that in my life, it has not been easy. The heart sometimes seems to have a mind of its own. The dream that I held deep within my heart, doubting that it could ever possibly come true, DID. I found a way and I WALKED THROUGH IT...but what I found was far from a "happily ever after"...but that is okay. During my journey, I found something MUCH more important. 

What TRULY matters to you? If you are like me; a bit on the introspective, thinking and even analytic side of looking at life, you probably consider the "things of the heart" to be the most valuable. I know that though, right now, I am "living out of a suitcase", I STILL HAVE MORE than the one I left.  I have "me". I guess that means that I VALUE ME. I value the person who I am; who I have become and who I am becoming more each and every day. I value relationships. I value honesty. I value love. 

What truly matters in life??? Do you place a high value upon knowing yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again. I hope so. I have finally learned to VALUE MY SELF...and I hope that you have come through all the FOG to "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

I value love; true love but that is not easily found though I once thought that I had found it, again...Here is an excerpt from a real life "love story". It didn't end with "a happily ever after"...it could have but it didn't. Nonetheless, the love that I felt for him was real. Very real.

The ambiance was heavy but so sweet in the subtle European bistro/breadshop as soft jazz thickened sexually stirred anticipation of so many years. It had been  9,210 days; 25 years, 2 months, and 18 days since we last "were a couple" and here we were, finally, together again. A joyful bustle of activity in the artistically designed eating area fit the childlike excitement in our hearts. Walking toward the counter to place our order I said "I'd just like coffee", knowing that my stomach had too many butterflies in it to hold anything else as I smiled at the man I have loved all these years.  I turned to the cashier; "Coffee in a real cup, for here please" and looking at Grant  "I love hazelnut" to which he replied "me too"...A unexpected answer but a knowing smile crossed our mouths. The first one that I have felt in a very long time. We filled our cups and sweetened and creamed our mugs of coffee and found a seat. 

He looked at me with such amazed wide eyes. Eyes filled with love; eyes that I had dreamed might never look back at me though how I longed for them. I am sure that mine were no different from his. It was really him. He is sitting in front of me and we held hands and eagerly, gently and ever so hungrily caressed each other's forearms, hands and sat smiling and talking and crying and laughing. "Oh, those dimples"; how I have missed them!" he unashamedly exclaimed. The sideways smile crept across my lips as a blush streamed across my face. I felt seen. I felt, again, that I was who I really am and with whom I really should have been with all this time. Affirmed and confident of my love for him; I smiled and let the love that had been SO hidden in my heart radiate from my being.

(As it actually occurred on Feb. 15, 2011, Panara Bread, Stow, OH)


After all of this, I would like to share that I am thankful that my dream came true; though, as I mentioned, it did not and will never end in a "happily ever after" for myself and the man in the story. It IS an HAPPILY EVER AFTER for me though. I have learned the things that have allowed me to release him from my heart once and for all...he is gone. I am free.

When I focused on what mattered, I focused on myself. 
I am worth it and so are you!!!