What is REAL?

Capodiomonte rose

This is a Capodimonte rose. I had one just like this for many years. It given to me by my mother who loved roses all her life. She even married a man and had three children who's last name was Rose. It's understandable.

I have always been fascinated in art and sculpture. The artist's goal is to create a material representation of a natural and temporal thing like a flower or a man. Most of the time they reproduce with fairly close accuracy. But they cannot recreate the natural beauty that they see; only make a copy of it; albeit in their own 

artistic and usually very insightful ways.

This rose, in all of its created beauty reminds me of how ATTACHMENT can imitate LOVE and why it is hard for us to "break free" from abuse. Thinking that WE are loving them, why is the relationship dying or why has it become abusive. Why can't we leave???

Attachment is: 

an act of attaching or the state of being attached 

or a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause,ideal, or the like; devotion; regard.

Love is: 

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

I had been wondering why it was so hard to leave a person, lover, spouse, who was abusive when we still thought that we loved them but was hurt daily by their abuse. It struck me like a lighting bolt one day that it must be the ATTACHMENT not the LOVE that keeps us in unhealthy relationships. Loving another does not heal us or them if they are abusive toward us and an are unwilling to face their behavior and take responsibility for their own actions.

It has been several years since separating (2009) and divorcing (2011) from my exhusband who was controlling and abusive to realizing that I had loved another man all my life only to find that I was attached to him but since I am no longer attached to him (2013) I realize that LOVE was not their either...not true love that is.

Is there someone whom you FEEL an ATTACHMENT but it does not seem to be an healthy relationship? Are you TRYING to make love out of an attachment?

Have you left someone you loved; may still think that you love but would not have a profound, tender affection toward you and you felt STUCK to them, no matter what?

Perhaps you allowed yourself to become attached but love was not in the picture. Something for you to ponder today as you "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

You really ARE worth it...

No matter what anyone says...

 

  

For the abusers who are OUT of my life...thank you!

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

King James Bible

This goes for an angry man as well...

Mental illness is insidious and "they do not know what they do"...forgive them...say NO to abuse and MOVE ON...

you are worth it!!! 

I thought I had experienced abuse in marriage; a Christian marriage, no less but what I experienced since 2009 has been FAR MORE than I ever wanted to know about mental illness and trying to have relationship with one who is suffering from a Personality Disorder.

I dedicate this blog entry to the WOMEN whom I have met who have been so vile, so abusive and claim that it is "because of their PTSD" that they have lashed out, threatened and violently gritted (and gnashed and grind their teeth as the Bible states) their teeth while tightly clenching fists in rage to intimidate instead of physically attacking...mentally assaulting their uncontrollable victims. 

Yes, there are women abusers. Women who, through their own abuse and pain and denial of mental illness, expect others to "do their bidding" or "pay the price"...

This was very uncomfortable for me but easier because I had witnessed first hand, a man being abused by this woman. I could detach and help him set healthy boundaries as we were threatened with our safety if "we were to have conspired" against her. 

Mental illness is real. We all deserve to be loved and respected and not controlled and intimidated. She used to have a "friend" (I kept her at arm's length intentionally and did not involve her with many others in my life because of what I understood at the time...for this I am very grateful) who would take her grocery shopping, go out for coffee, go to the latest Convenient store/Gas station plaza Grand Opening, transportation to doctor's visits and the library and occasional lunch. So with SO much to lose WHY does a person act this way???

It is hard to explain but very easy to remedy. NO ONE deserves to be spoken to disrespectfully...put down...threatened or controlled...a simple "I will not allow myself to have any contact with her" is all that is needed...say NOTHING...do NOTHING. 

Block them on Facebook...Delete or put as "do not receive" on your phone. Warn any other friends who might have any association of your "pulling away" from her and having NO CONTACT due to her abusive and dangerous behavior.

It is time to call abuse what it is. Whatever its source, whatever the gender, nationality or religion of the person...we have the right to DISSOCIATE with them..have NO CONTACT and go on to live our lives without the drama, abuse and control that a Narcissistic person needs.

We can enjoy our own company...we do not need the constant "Praise" that a narcissist demands. We do not need to "put others down" especially those who have helped and encouraged us...we have more sense than to "bite the hand that feeds us" while they may feel resentful that they "depend" so much upon us. Cut that dependence today...  

I am an abuse survivor advocate and mental health advocate and still run into persons who try to run my life...no more...

Wishing you healthy and happy relationships...any other kind, are not worth your time.  

I don't care anymore!!!!

The first quarter of this NEW year has been an adventure and quite enjoyable. I would like to share some healing helps and thoughts with you that I have discovered and how I began to reengage with my aspirations and dreams.

It has been over a year since my relocation to my new home; I live in the beautiful area of North Carolina after moving from snowy and gray Ohio. I have truly learned that "home is where your heart is" and even while I was living in Ohio; after the passing of my parents, I realized that my heart was no longer there...it longed for and found much greener pastures and hope for life after much abuse and dysfunctional relationships.

I have learned:

Things do not matter: 

As much as I clung onto memories and memorabilia, I realized, finally, that what I have given up for my freedom and new life will always be with me. My love of my family members whose photos are not with me, remains with me. I do not need the photos, the gifts or the inherited items that I have left behind. I feel free of material things and hold onto memories and only memories of those whom I had loved and who loved me.

Time does not heal ALL wounds but time surely does allow us perspective:

It takes time to heal. I was trying to heal from many things; perhaps all at the same time. My focus was like a "shot gun" and I multi-tasked, as usual, even more so, to survive and heal. Time has allowed distance from the painful loss of my parents, the grave but overcomeable disappointment of relationship with abusive persons and change in my life and lifestyle as I relocated to be closer to remaining family.

Family matters...a lot!!!

My son has been my main focus; even before my wants or needs in this past few years. I have been successful in getting him the medical intervention he has needed to address ADD and he is showing himself to be a very loving, thoughtful, independent and free thinker who has learned about abuse and has been establishing good boundaries with those in his life, apart from our home, who have been abusive to me and him in many ways. He is my joy. My other family; brother and his family have been phenomenal in their support and encouragement. They may only truly understand the tip of the iceberg of the abusive relationships that I have overcome, but even in that, they have loved and cared for me and my son and my future. I have not been isolated or accused of inappropriate relationships with others and have made many new and wonderful connections and friends in this area. My friends have become like family to me; I have brothers and sisters within many organizations; church, chorale, not for profit, who truly bless me and allow me to share my gifts and talents. 

The past is IN THE PAST:

There is no doubt that I have been through a lot. I have endured. I have survived. The past is in the past and that is where it will remain. I have even written "goodbye" songs to a friend (his widow mainly) who died from cancer.  I have resolved any unhealthy relationships by seeing them as they were. Songwriting and writing has been my solace and comfort. Seeing a written word of my own thoughts and feelings has been very healing. I have left it all "in the past, just where it aught to be". I have learned from the past but it is no longer part of my life today...it is only a shadow of "what has been"...my present and future is my focus.

There are cruel people in the world:

I have been too trusting and very naive in my life. I have depended upon others as I would have kept my promise to them. I used to believe that I was deceived, but I realized that I deceived myself into believing that others were the kind of people, honorable, loving and kind, honest, gentle and genuine, that I had thought them to be...as I am. They were a waste of my time and life. Whatever they knew of me, they were privileged to know. I count those who have hurt and tried to control and "punish" me for their own twisted internal pain, to be to be worthless apart from being a lesson to me in my life. I have worked through the anger of loss. The anger and pain of betrayal. I am done. I feel great about who and where I am and whom I have relationship with now. I no longer feel any obligation to them or care what they are going through. I learned a valuable lesson that not all persons are worth our time and our life.

I don't care anymore!!

I don't care anymore (by Phil Collins)

Well you can tell ev'ryone I'm a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place.
I don't care anymore.
You can tell ev'rybody 'bout the state I'm in
You won't catch me crying 'cos I just can't win.
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say
I don't play the same games you play.

'Cos I've been talking to the people that you call your friends
And it seems to me there's a means to and end.
They don't care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.
I don't care anymore I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won't be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

Well, I don't care now what you say
'Cos ev'ry day I'm feeling fine with myself
And I don't care now what you say
Hey I'll do alright by myself
'Cos I know.

'Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards.
I don't care anymore.
And I really ain't bothered what you think of me
'Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.
I don't care anymore D'you hear? I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
I never did believe you much anyway.

I won't be there no more
So get out of my way.
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore
D'you hear? I don't care anymore
I don't care no more
You listening? I don't care no more
No more!

You know I don't care no more!

If you are still reading and find that you can relate to the process of healing; of finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again, I count you as a friend and I love you. Thank you for entrusting this blog and Singing a New Song on FB (along with our NEW "Healing and Hopeful" preparing women for healthy relationship after abuse FB closed group) to bring you helpful, hopeful, healing thoughts and encouragement. We do deserve to be healthy, happy and whole. We CAN be "Singing a New Song". We do not have to ever depend upon others for our happiness...we shouldn't. We are all we need.

Sending you LOVE and peace my dear friend.

YOU are worth it!!!

D 

Time Is What Prevents Everything From Happening At Once.." - John Wheeler

Life is divided into three terms - 

that which was, which is, and which will be. 

Let us learn from the past to profit by the present, 

and from the present, to live better in the future.

William Wordsworth

Time is nothing more than an illusion; an invention of the human mind that keeps all things from happening at once. We celebrate an illusionary passing of time; a division of one era or period of our lives with the anticipation of greater possibilities for happiness.

Time Is What Prevents Everything From Happening At Once

 John Wheeler (1911-2008)

I feel that I have lived many "periods" or "epochs" in my lifetime. My young childhood, teen years, young adult, young married, moderately young single again without children, married with step child and then child of my own, single with child and rediscovering the depths of my person through the many tragedies that I allowed myself to experience at the hand of those who didn't even care for himself; let alone anyone else. In all of this, I have learned to practice good self care and I have grown. I am happy. I am at peace. I am ME and that is all that I have ever truly wanted to be.

Time has been fleeting and as I reminisce upon this past year; with all of the many opportunities for growth; I realize that the greatest blessings have come from the greatest disappointments. I have not left anything or anyone behind. There is no one and nothing that I am looking back to find or regain. What is gone is gone forever and I am at peace. I have lost both parents to death in the past 3 years. I have gained so much more than I ever could have imagined.

I have finally learned to let go of the past but still hold onto the lessons that I have learned and glean its wisdom. I have come to accept the present; however unexpected or even unwelcome but realize that it is merely but a stepping stone to my future and I may tolerate or endure for a night but as the scripture says "but JOY comes in the morning".

Through many years of mental, verbal and emotional abuse; I realize NOW that I did not deserve that treatment and I did not bring it upon myself. I have LOVED. I am guilty of loving a person who was not worthy of my love. I still loved and I do not regret it. I will never regret loving; only choosing the object of my love to be so sorely unworthy of it. Anyways, out of it came a wonderful blessing...a son who brings me great joy.

As you reflect upon your past year, remember that it is in the PAST and that what has passed has passed for a reason...Leave it there. Enjoy the present; whatever time that you are reading this; make a note in your mind and heart that THIS is my life; this moment, and cherish it. Look to your future with hope. Hope of who you are becoming and what you are contributing to this world. YOU are the only YOU that there will ever be and YOU are the best at being YOU. No one else can do it. However silly all of this sounds, I hope you sense the profound truths that it brings forth and find hope in this message.

Wishing you a wonderful 2015. It is bound to be the BEST yet!!!!

D

Your friend and Singing a New Song Administrator
Denise <3 nbsp="" td="">

Just for you

Thank YOU, Singing a New Song friend, for coming to visit, read, be encouraged, allow me to share an insightful moment with you here at Singing a New Song blog. I apologize for being so far behind in posting; and even with no posts; we have received over 1,000 hits this month and an average of almost 4,000 hits each month! Other Singing a New Song friends are from many parts of the world: The U.S.A., Russia, UK, Canada, India, Austrailia, Germany, China, Ukraine, Phillipines and many, many more. I have personally met so many of you; via blog, FB page, email, phone and even many in person. It is my pleasure to meet with others who are self aware, intelligent and compassionate. I love to talk about personal growth with others who are on their healing journey of "finding themselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

Our focus for this blog and FB page of the same name, is just this:

 YOU. 

YOU are important. Not the person who is criticizing you for reading a self help book. Not the person who puts you down, calls you names and so hatefully (toward themselves if you ask me) use you and then blame you for abusing them. NO, this is about all about YOU, the survivor of abuse. Your concerns, your pains, your joys and your victories. You have endured a LOT and you are growing stronger and able to accept more truth into your life that will certainly SET YOU FREE from other's expectations, demands and controlling behavior.

I have just recently learned that those whom we have termed "abusers" don't like to be called that. For example: I have heard it say to me and of me, "you're abusing me" when I have set a boundary and said "NO" to abuse. We have every right to SAY NO if we want to and mean it. We do not have to give into abuse; not even if there is a "reason" for it like mental illness. It is still ABUSE. 

I think that most abuse survivors can relate to this...haven't we all heard that...when we show our pain, they turn it around and blame us for their pain...Their projection and denial will not allow us to be heard. Abuse is NOT ABOUT US...it is the projection of a twisted, wretched, tormented mind and heart to the nearest person to them; usually the most loving, understanding and compassionate who have dared to love them. THAT is how abuse occurs and why it perpetuates.

Oh, I understand that some of who we have called abusers are actually suffering from mental illness (and you can't even breathe the thought around them, they will vehemently fight tooth and nail to refute it) and will even accuse us of having mental illness...

By the way; mental illness is not something that should be blamed on anyone. It is not a title that anyone should ever be called. It is a MENTAL ILLNESS; only differentiated from physical illness because of the need to HIDE it due to the Stigma of Mental Illness and lack of knowledge of Mental Health. Too many "walking wounded" are in our society; hiding their secret pain, their secret shame. Only those of us who have dared to draw close to them; drawn by whatever 

They take no responsibility for their behavior and give no reasonable explanation of why they behave as they do. So, does knowing this make our pain or suffering or abuse from them any less or different? No.

SO, if an "abusive" person is really not an abuser or mentally ill...then WHY does their behavior NOT CHANGE when we kindly ask them to respect us and stop their name calling, discounting, dismissing and controlling behavior???

Seems to me that they don't care what they do to us;
but they don't want to "see themselves" as being BAD. Bad IS as Bad DOES. I can look back and say that I was stupid for getting involved, loving or trusting him but then again, I can forgive myself for "stupid". How does a bad person forgive themselves and ask for other's forgiveness??? They don't. That's the problem. 

We deserve to take good care of ourselves; because in this life, as evident in mine with two such persons, there are people who do NOT care about us...they do NOT want to love or treat us respectfully. I would go so far to say that they do NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE and don't deserve our love. They are "users" at the least and abusers and not worth our time. 

It is a GREAT time to take good care of ourselves; no one is going to do it for us.