Going back (to get) my future

If you are a movie lover, you are sure to have seen and enjoyed the movie, "Back to the Future" from the mid 80's. This story is truly one of the sci-fi/fantasy genres best movies of all time. Have you ever thought of what part of your life, what date in your history that you would like to revisit and relive? Have you ever wondered if you had left "part of you" behind? What past event might you want to "do over" that would ultimately change the path that your present life has taken and transform it into being the life "that you should have had"?  Even considering the possibility of regaining a part of our lives that might have been lost is the romance behind this intriguing tale.

This is even more of a reality to me than one might first see from the outside looking into my life. I was GREATLY affected by the "De Lorean 80's". I had even ridden in several of the DMC's or DeLoreans; the futuristic gull-wing car that was used as the time machine in the movie. In ways, it has become my time machine as well. Whenever I see one, I am "transported" back to that time where I had to go to "find my future", the life that I am now living. My life was forever changed and affected by this era and more so, by one man. Over 30 years ago this next month, I met the tall, dark, good looking young man with whom I quickly and irrevocably fell in love. I can say that for the both of us it was truly love at first sight.

As with all TRUE love stories; there is always tragedy. Like Romeo and Juliet; the pressures of family and life can pull apart the hearts and lives of even the most dedicated couple. The difference in this true story is that though our lives were  lived separate and apart from each other; they ironically paralleled with the same sadness and hopelessness of knowing that there was only one true love for us and falsely believing that we would never be together again.                                                              

Read more here: 

NEW: Back to OUR future blog

This blog was begun with the purpose of my dealing with; accepting and healing from domestic abuse from my second husband. There are books that will never be written about this relationship; one of domestic abuse and control. Mental cruelty and betrayal ending in bigamy was the fateful and painful path of a marriage to a personality disordered spouse. I miraculously survived (body, soul and mind) and wholly hope to share the healing path that I had taken to the door step of my biggest DREAM come true. I survived and then took my time machine BACK TO OUR FUTURE and this has become my passion and sole (soul) focus of my blogging and book writing. I am in process of writing our story; in memoir/story form. It is a beautiful, sad, adventuresome and fun love story. My wish for everyone is that you will search out your dreams and consider regaining parts of yourself and your life that you think you might have left behind. It is not too late. Your dreams CAN come true.  You are welcome to borrow my "Time Machine" and go with me on my trip "Back to Our Future".

Hurricane Irene; facing the storms in life; facing death.

My mother is in a hospital room under hospice care, having JUST been diagnosed with terminal cancer in June, facing the damage of a possible heart attack along with infection. She is a "sassy and spry" 87 year old and is IN THE DIRECT PATH of Hurricane Irene. They are currently receiving high winds and heavy torrential rain as of  Saturday, 1 p.m. EST. Most areas in North Carolina have lost power including my brother's home; about 2 hours WEST of where my mother is in Greenville, North Carolina.

Each day that we face brings its own challenges and pain, joys and triumphs; death seems to touch upon ALL of that. It challenges us to face our own mortality. Could we learn to be ready to stare the Grim Reaper right in the face but extend a welcoming hand to him? If we are not able or ready to do that, how do we prepare to "let go" of a loved one? The pain we feel in loss is something that we must work through both mentally and emotionally. We may be reminded of the joys of knowing and loving our loved one and we may find comfort and peace in such tender memories. We triumph in life when we boldly face and survive the difficulties of life which overcomes the challenges and pain (of separation) of death.

For the purpose of our own education and help to those we love who will face death, I strongly advocate and support that a  very non biased "End of life studies" class should be required for all high schoolers. A 6 week "internship" including visits to nursing homes and hospice units and a term paper examining the hearts of each young person titled "How I will face my own death" should be prequisite for high school graduation. Learning how to face our own mortality will help us face the loss in the death of a loved one. I completed a Hospice volunteer course and became a certified Hospice volunteer but had not used my newly found understanding with a person who was in the process dying until my dear friend Jeri Rinehart was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 74. She was an AVID Opera aficionado, a music educator and wonderful person who would "air" Opera's on DVD in her home in "surround sound" that my mother attended and enjoyed very much. Jeri chose not to undergo any chemotherapy and she lived her life longer than her prognoses allowed. Three of her friends who were also facing cancer chose to take chemo and they had even been "given" a better prognosis by taking it, all died several months prior to her passing. My Mother was diagnosed in 4th stage and also did not choose to take chemotherapy. She knew that Jeri had enjoyed her last days and I feel that by knowing this, loving Jeri and enjoying her life, that my mother was more able to also enjoy her own life; even so close to its end.

Facing a Hurricane and facing the death of a loved one have a view similarities, in many instances. Death will also pass through and leave it's damage and we will move on and live again; better knowing HOW to live after having lived through this loss.

Please remember to pray for the safety of ALL of those in Hurricane Irene's path. Loss is hard, but we CAN get through it and be better prepared for the next "storm" in our lives. Wishing you much hope and peace in whatever storm you find yourself facing today.

Till the storm passes over, till the thunder sounds no more,
Till the clouds roll forever from the sky;
Hold me fast, let me stand in the hollow of Thy hand,
Keep me safe till the storm passes by.

(from the song: Til the Storm passes by  written by Bill and Gloria Gaither)

What are you willing to fight for?

"Them are fightin' words" as the Irish part of me would say with a rich Irish brouge; curling my fists in a "come and try to get me" boxer stance. My "Ire" has been called wilfulness, stubbornness,  and even hard headedness and those are just the complimentary synonyms. Sometimes, and most often in disrespectful and abusive relationships it has been called "contentiousness" and that really means that my attitude, opinion, thought and "right to be me" contends with another's "opinion". To that I say,  "too bad".  Sometimes I have been called derogatory names because of my right to speak out for what I believe in...me mainly. I am sure that you can imagine, have heard and even been the undeserving recipient of such derogatory names. We all  know that name calling  is NOT loving or part of a healthy or happy marriage relationship. It is usually ALWAYS part of a relationship with a personality disordered person.

What are you willing to fight for? As for me, I was ALWAYS willing and ready and probably always defensively engaged in "fighting for my right to be me" all my life. I was labelled "defensive" and rightfully so because my dear Narcissistic father and Codependent mother and  abuse and relationship issues with both my older brother and younger sister made it necessary for me to "watch out for myself". I have been called "stubborn" with a tone of voice that strongly implied that it was a bad thing to know your mind and will and to speak out what you believe. It was even told to me that "You are going to think whatever you want anyway"...Yes, this was said to me, I suppose, it was intended to be an insult. Pardon me for laughing out loud. It seemed more like an affirmation of my individuality than an insult of my "contentiousness".

I am both amused and annoyed 

that you think I should be less stubborn than you are.

Dr. Gregory House. 

I wish that I had been "so stubborn" the moment that I realized that I was abused by a family member or husband. I wish that I had "fought for me" from that very moment instead of "giving myself up" to  another's will.

I want to encourage you to "be you" today and the next time someone looks at you with an attitude and says: "You are so stubborn", just look them straight in the eye and say  

"Thanks, I knew that".

Living each day as if it is my last...

Now THAT is a sobering statement but I will submit it with all sincerity. My mother is 87 years old and has been in good health all her life; or so we had thought. She was diagnosed with 4th stage progressive cancer and admitted to hospice care in June. Each day could be her last. One day will bring her last breath. I love my mother and to hear how each breath becomes more laboured is aching to me as her health declines. She says that she is not in pain and that has an answer to many prayers. She was always the picture of health. She was a poster child for good bowel health; eating fiber and even touting the praises of the lowly celery stalk for its fiber content and intestine saving powers. She would eat things that she did not like because they were "good for her". Even then, she "ended up" with a rectal tumor of all things. This life doesn't seem fair that way.

The reality of her illness and age and impending departure instils a deep regret in my heart and hot tears in my eyes. I have feared that she might not have "lived life to the fullest" because she was married to a Narcissistic abusive husband. I feel that though she had many family members, was greatly loved and respected by many, that she did not continue to pursue her dreams and "live each day as if it were her last" and now she is getting ready to face that day. Hopefully, she does not have the regret for living her life as she had lived it as I do.

This really makes me pause and think about my life and what I want to make of it. I learned that we have only this life to live and to live today we must glean our wisdom from our past, make today the best day of our lives and hold onto hope that tomorrow will only be better. I will never stop questioning what is important to me nor will I fail to believe that I deserve less than the very best life has to offer.

“Learn from yesterday, 

live for today, 

hope for tomorrow. 

The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

Albert Einstein

I owe so much to my Mom, a wonderful woman who taught me what hope is and reality should NOT be. I fervently and thankfully dedicate this blog entry in her honor. I love you, Mom.

And that has made all the difference

The poetry of Robert Frost has always spoken loudly of the human will and spirit and there has never been a poem that has impacted me as The Road Not Taken. I can actually "remember" standing at the crossroads of my life; looking down each path that lay ahead of me and asked myself,  "am I making the RIGHT decision?". I could see how someone who had gone before me might take a certain path but then I wondered; if in my life, that the other path might be better suited for me. All in all, I reason it out that we can take either path in life; of the two paths that lie before us, we do not have to worry about "taking the wrong one".

Speaking from personal experience as a survivor of verbal and emotional abuse, I can say with confidence that the path of abuse cannot be foreseen and necessarily sidetracked any more easily than we can peer down either of the roads given to us to choose from in Frost's poem. We cannot foresee what lies ahead for us in a relationship using only our eyes. We need to employ our full senses of touch, smell, taste and hearing as well as intuition in all of our relationships. The strongest sense that we have is called common sense; and if it doesn't "feel right" it probably isn't. Fear always threatens to take over our decision making but we can all find the courage needed to take the road less travelled that will make ALL the difference in our lives.

The Road Not Taken read by Robert Frost; poet.

Listen to "The Road Not Taken"; choir and orchestra

Robert Frost (1874–1963).  Mountain Interval.  1920.

1. The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

**One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.** ~Oscar Wilde

Living life in a household full of domestic abuse and believing that it may never stop is the most hellish existence that I have ever known. I truly mean "hellish"  because it was close to what I think Hell actually is and I have already lived through it. I lived without the peace or freedom to state my thoughts aloud. I tried to live within a family who did not permit my role as a wife and mother to be "my life" but a position that I was required to fill in order to fulfil my purpose in their eyes. I barely survived emotionally and mentally and lived only  a semblance of a life when trying to understand the rantings and illogic tactics of a madman who refused to accept the "me" that I was born to be. 

As Oscar Wilde said, I "knew" that  

"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead."  

and I definitely knew that this kind of existence was NOT my life!

I would wake up and moan, not from lack of sleep but that I had to wake up and face the reality in which I had taught myself to accept. An "husband" who would not hear my cries for help for our family and marriage. A stepdaughter who learned to verbally abuse and disrespect me while manipulating events; teaching her to do just as he had done to me. I literally spent years of my life trying desperately to please a man who "could not be pleased enough". His criticism toward me abounded as was his constant and very vocal disapproval of me as a person, wife, mother or human being.  I had started turning inward to preserve the person who I am and that drew me to finally try to voice out my feelings with non-verbal media. I found the "vision board".  We used to call them collages in elementary school and gently arranged and glued magazine clippings to represent a certain theme. In my case, it was my only mode of survival.

This board characterizes ME. My dreams and hopes, my purpose and my goals. I knew that I had "amazing hidden potential" and assets beyond what had been attributed to me but to see them in color, on a page, with affirming words was the most healing vision that I had seen in a very long time. My vision board is an example of the hope that I held in my heart of living a life without abuse. "I had a dream" and this dream was one of love and peace and a safe home where I could be "me". 

Sometimes we have to give our dreams MORE than wings; more than words; sometimes our dreams need to take on a visual form. They are real. A vision board help us to see that they are worthy to be dreamt.

Let's hear it for the boy! A tribute to my son.

Whew...my son arrived HOME today. I had spent almost three weeks of anxiously wondering, ok, I was worrying, if he was eating right, getting exercise and having fun as well as hoping that his mind and heart was not being intentionally filled with the deceptions of a personality disordered father during his last visitation. He looks no real worse for wear but he did gain some weight. I guess the hot fudge sundaes and Pancake House artistic creations for breakfast have certainly added to it. He is happy to be home. I am VERY happy and MUCH LESS anxious now that he IS home.

He starts school on Monday. My son is enrolled in an arts based charter school and its school year is starting even before both our "city" and our own district public schools are starting their year. He is wearing a uniform; navy khakis and navy, white and grey polo shirts. He is so handsome in polos and khakis. In early June after his school year ended, I picked him up and brought him home. I showed him "his father's new wife's" Facebook page that announced that "they were married" and that his daddy had married another woman and a picture proved it. (Check out FB page with picture of bigamist and his new wife)

He told me that "daddy can't marry B, he is married to you" and I told him, "that is right; it is illegal to be married to two women at the same time, it is a crime and it is called bigamy". In the week that followed, he spoke to his dad on the phone and called him a "liar and a bigamist". What can he say to that but ADMIT that it is truth. Both my experience and psychological studies show that persons with Obsessive Compulsive Personality disorder do not see themselves as we see them. They MUST see themselves as "perfect". For heaven's sake, my son's father wouldn't admit to flatulence!

On our final court hearing for divorce last month, I realized that he had told his new wife that we were all meeting there in my county court house for child support and custody orders AFTER we had been divorced. Deception abounds but at least I know the truth. He had invited her to meet me upon my request since he wanted to take our son with them for visitation. My son went right over to them JUST AFTER I had made him "pinky promise" that he would not say anything to his dad or B about "anything". I guess he either did not quite understand me or really just wanted to"let his dad have it" in front of his dad's "new wife". Gotta love that boy of mine; I am :proud of 'im" (said with a Scottish brogue)
 
I have leaned many things of this "small snippet of history":
1- You can pretend to be anything you want but I don't have to believe it!
2- It is foolish to deny that denial exists. Denying you are in denial, doesn't make it go away.
3- You can't fool a child or at least, you aren't going to get away with it if the child is my son!
4- Narcissists and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disordered persons may believe that they are always right and everyone is always wrong. It doesn't "make it so".
5- The innocence and honesty of a child should NEVER be sacrificed for a pride of a person or parent; EVER.
6- As my mother would say "It will ALL come out in the wash"; nothing is hidden that will not eventually be revealed; all we have to do is sit back and wait. Truth WILL win out every time.

My son has taught me a lot through this. I hope that I can be like him when I grow up.

Do we really "take care" of ourselves? Practicing good SELF care.

How many times have we told someone, with heartfelt concern to "take good care of themselves"? What does this mean? HOW can we care for our SELF while we are healing or even still enduring abuse? I found the following article that may help answer these questions. Take "good care" of yourself today; I care about you.

STRESS MANAGEMENT:    

TEN SELF-CARE TECHNIQUES

by Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University

TO RELAX. Throughout the day, take "mini-breaks". Sit down and get comfortable. Slowly take in a deep breath; hold it; and then exhale very slowly. At the same time, let your shoulder muscles droop, smile, and say something positive like, "I am r-e-l-a-x-e-d." Be sure to get sufficient rest at night.

PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE. Many people get distressed over things they won't let themselves accept. Often, these are things that can't be changed, for example someone else's feelings or beliefs. If something unjust bothers you, that is different. If you act in a responsible way, the chances are you will manage that stress effectively.

TALK RATIONALLY TO YOURSELF. Ask yourself what real impact the stressful situation will have on you in a day or in a week, and see if you can let the negative thoughts go. Think through whether the situation is your problem or the other person's. If it is yours, approach it calmly and firmly. If it is the other person's, there is not much you can do about it. Rather than condemning yourself with hindsight thinking like, "I should have...," think about what you can learn from the error and plan for the future. Watch out for perfectionism -- set realistic and attainable goals. Remember: everyone makes errors. Be careful of procrastination -- practice breaking tasks into smaller units to make it manageable, and practice prioritizing to get things done.

GET ORGANIZED. Develop a realistic schedule of daily activities that includes time for work, sleep, relationships, and recreation. Use a daily "thing to do " list. Improve your physical surroundings by cleaning your house and straightening up your office. Use your time and energy efficiently.

EXERCISE. Physical activity has always provided relief from stress. In the past, daily work was largely physical. Now that physical exertion is no longer a requirement for earning a living, we don't get rid of stress so easily. It accumulates very quickly. We need to develop a regular exercise program to reduce the effects of stress before it becomes distress. Try aerobics, walking, jogging, dancing, or swimming.

REDUCE TIME URGENCY. If you frequently check your watch or worry about what you do with your time, learn to take things a bit slower. Allow plenty of time to get things done. Plan your schedule ahead of time. Recognize that you can only do so much in a given period. Practice the notion of "pace, not race".

DISARM YOURSELF. Every situation in life does not require you to be competitive. Adjust your approach to an event according to its demands. You don't have to raise your voice in a simple discussion. Playing tennis with a friend does not have to be an Olympic trial. Leave behind you your "weapons" of shouting, having the last word, putting someone else down, and blaming.

QUIET TIME. Balance your family, social, and work demands with special private times. Hobbies are good antidotes for daily pressures. Unwind by taking a quiet stroll, soaking in a hot bath, watching a sunset, or listening to calming music.

WATCH YOUR HABITS. Eat sensibly -- a balanced diet will provide all the necessary energy you will need during the day. Avoid nonprescription drugs and avoid alcohol use -- you need to be mentally and physically alert to deal with stress. Be mindful of the effects of excessive caffeine and sugar on nervousness. Put out the cigarettes -- they restrict blood circulation and affect the stress response.

TALK TO FRIENDS. Friends can be good medicine. Daily doses of conversation, regular social engagements, and occasional sharing of deep feelings and thoughts can reduce stress quite nicely.

ABOUT STRESS--
Many people don't realize it, but stress is a very natural and important part of life. Without stress there would be no life at all! We need stress (eustress), but not too much stress for too long (distress). Eustress helps keep us alert, motivates us to face challenges, and drives us to solve problems. These low levels of stress are manageable and can be thought of as necessary and normal stimulation.
Distress, on the other hand , results when our bodies over-react to events. It leads to what has been called a "fight or flight" reaction. Such reactions may have been useful in times long ago when our ancestors were frequently faced with life or death matters. Nowadays, such occurrences are not usual. Yet, we react to many daily situations as if they were life or death matters. Our bodies don't really know the difference between a saber-tooth tiger attacking and an employer correcting our work. How we perceive and interpret the events of life dictates how our bodies react. If we think something is very scary or worrisome, our bodies react accordingly.

When we view something as manageable, though, our body doesn't go haywire; it remains alert but not alarmed. The activation of our sympathetic nervous system (a very important part of our general nervous system) mobilizes us for quick action. The more we sense danger (social or physical), the more our body reacts. Have you ever been unexpectedly called upon to give an "off-the-cuff" talk and found that your heart pounded so loudly and your mouth was so dry that you thought you just couldn't do it? That's over-reaction.

Problems can occur when the sympathetic nervous system is unnecessarily over activated frequently. If we react too strongly or let the small over-reactions (the daily hassles) pile up, we may run into physical as well as psychological problems. Gastrointestinal problems (examples: diarrhea or nausea), depression, severe headaches, or relapse can come about from acute distress. Insomnia, heart disease, and distress habits (examples: drinking, overeating, smoking, and using drugs) can result from the accumulation of small distresses.
What we all need is to learn to approach matters in more realistic and reasonable ways. Strong reactions are better reserved for serious situations. Manageable reactions are better for the everyday issues that we typically have to face.

REACTOR OR OVER-REACTOR?
Below are situations that cause stress in some people and distress in others. Imagine yourself in each one right now. How are you reacting?

• Driving your car in rush hour
• Getting a last minute work assignment
• Misplacing something in the house
• Having something break while you're using it
• Dealing with incompetence at work
• Planning your budget
• Being blamed for something
• Waiting in a long line at the grocery store

(exerpt from http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/bryan/webstres.htm)