Closer to my future than ever before

It is a bit whimsical but then again, this is the start of a New Year and we are permitted to wax nostalgic and whimsy if we like. I used to think, so many years ago, that my "future" was "somewhere out there" but maybe it is because I am becoming wiser with my years that my future "seems closer than ever before". Do you remember when you would ask yourself "What will I study in college?", "What do I want to do for a living?", "What kind of person do I want to spend the rest of my life with?". I am sure that we have all had similar questions.


Did we ever STOP to ask ourselves "What will I do TODAY that will affect me the REST of my life?", "What choices do I need to make TODAY to KEEP me on the path that I want to be on?", "Who should I allow in my "inner circle" and how will I establish healthy boundaries TODAY that will open my life up to abuse and unhealthy relationships?". See? Our future is MUCH closer than we have previously thought.



It seemed like just a few years ago that I had just started to deal with abuse from my family of origin. I do not want to misrepresent my parents; they were wonderful people who abuse issues of their own and it was about this time in my life when I realized that they had NOT EVEN BEGUN to deal them; they just seemed to "pass them on". My mom, bless her heart and rest her soul, is gone from me right now. She passed in September. She was the "pillar of the family"; the glue that held us all together. My mom was a "stay at home mom" who didn't drive in the day of drive-in movies and "new" drive -thru restaurants. I remember WANTING to be like my mother in many ways and NOT be like her in others. I feel that she gave her life for her husband and family and didn't find time or room to pursue HER interests. This still deeply saddens me to this day and may for the rest of my life. My dad was the "provider" and would often come home a "little happy" after stopping at the neighbourhood "bar" after a hard day at work. He would bring us grease-stained bags of dark, deep fried foods; all looked so much alike that even the nasty smell of the oil masked their true identity. We guessed what they were by their shape! His playground was the Lottery and we rarely went on family vacations and that is if you count the trips to West Virginia (yes, it is WILD and Wonderful!) where the sulphur and water lines merged and we were MORE smelly coming out of the bath than going in. My brother needed heart surgery from a very young age and had a major open heart procedure on my 12th birthday; it was also the same day that I got visited by "Aunt Flo" (menstrual cycle). My younger sister, well, she still is the baby of the family. Yes, and with all these wonderful memories; it had some major dysfunctions. I thought that my future was VERY far away then.


Without going into details of abuse, neglect and dysfunction, I think that it can accurately be said that we see our families "as we need them to be" until we no longer need to believe in the illusion any more. I think that is when I began to realize that MY FUTURE was RIGHT BEFORE ME. I was in control of my life and I would or would not have relationship with anyone who had continually done things to harm, disrespect or demean me. Why should I? Oddly enough, I did not feel empowered to deal with dysfunctional family before I had learned  to deal with a dysfunctional, personality disordered spouse.


Now I am in control of my future; not just my present. I "make the calls" and have learned to "do for myself" instead of waiting for other's failed promises with hopes that my family would be more like the Brady Bunch. I know that deep in my heart that I have made GOOD decisions for myself. I first had to realize that I was capable and had the right to make these decisions.


 I feel that my future is not something that I hope for anymore. I am "walking into it" every day!