FOCUS on LIFE... Finding me, healing from abuse and daring to dream again

As my Personal Note of Welcome to my blog says:

I realize that my writing is not for everyone; 

it is for the HURT and the HOPEFUL; 

for those who want to "find themselves" 

and learn to DREAM AGAIN! 

First of a series of three main purposes for this blog 

Part One:
FINDING ME 

I never had a moment when I said to myself, I have "lost me" but during extreme mind-altering abuse, I felt the deep and oppressive FEAR that I WAS losing myself. Prior to that abuse, as a young teen, I was seeking my identity but this journey goes FAR beyond self-discovery. This is more like self-reclamation. In the midst of having a once significant person, spouse in this case, define and tell me who I am and "how I should be" and verbally undermine my sense of confidence in my own abilities with constant and insidious criticism, I realized that I was "losing sense of my self". My person was under perpetual attack. It felt like I was the target and the mission was to DESTROY who I was so that I would no longer be a threat to his delusional reality.


 

It was about 2002, that I was becoming  subconsciously aware of the peril that my "self" was in. I thought that it was due to my "lost self" that I experienced in the tragic breakup of my first love and myself so many years ago. I had just realized that I had married an abusive, controlling man and believed that I was turning to the memories of my first love to escape the insidious abuse.

By 2005, I was steadfastly working through my need to freely express myself through music and felt under contact attack; militant takeover of "me"... I could only strategically omit his entrance into my world of music. I was protecting my self. Emotional detachment had begun. It was that year that I "found part of me again" through writing a "goodbye song" for my first love. "To see you once again" ended up being the "goodbye song" that kept me close to him, still loving him, it was my connection to him and a piece of my "me" puzzle that I guarded very closely.

By 2007, I had been studying verbal abuse and "found another part" of me in the abuse that I had endured as a child, teen and all during the marriage to whom I now understand to be mentally ill/personality disordered. I learned during the loss of a stillborn son that his controlling nature was actually being Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (quite different from OCD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The more I emotionally detached and did not emotionally trust and rely upon him, the more that I relied upon myself and made the decisions that were the best for myself and my son.

In 2008, I underwent a year of Complex Post Traumatic Stress therapy (C-PTSD) to help me deal with and resolve the HIGH CONFLICT family situation that abuse created. Even in beginning to "find me", I was keenly aware that I "could do NOTHING to positively influence this family" and knew that it was only time before I would withdraw from it; for good.

In 2009, I was "finding more of me" all the time. Many changes in the "household" enabled me more freedom to do the things that I knew needed to be done. This required setting healthy boundaries and establishing clear goals for my life, it was then that I was able to separate from him and live alone with my son. I can't believe that it "took me SO long" to reach this place in my life. I fully understand how debilitating and defeating it can be to "be in an abusive marriage" and feel so utterly helpless and hopeless. It was at this time that I dealt with Depression and chose to aggressively face it with an anti-depressant. This was the BEST thing for me to do considering the abuse which caused my medical need for it. I took control of my life and am very glad that I treated my depression with them on them for 6 months under doctor's orders.

In 2010, I knew that I was facing divorce (again) due to the absolute refusal to admit his own controlling behavior toward me. Lies, betrayal, manipulations and sabotage of relationships continued. I sought confirmation of my strongly held beliefs about "what truly was" and found it and was able to follow through with keeping my boundaries and "going on" with my life. I think I was able to see the need for boundaries, establish and keep them because I was "coming out of denial" and starting putting accurate labels on abuse and "called things as I saw them rather than what I wanted them to be". During this time, I felt freer to become more creative and I started to make beaded jewelry and vision boards. I was "finding me" in my creations.  

2011 brought the freedom from abuse with continual healing and I can say that I not only FOUND MYSELF but I have gotten to know this wonderful person in much newer and freer ways. I listened to my heart. I took ONE step at a time. I was willing to fight for "me".

To read more upon my journey and process of FINDING ME, please follow the links below that will lead you to helpful posts.

Finding me:

Finding me after all these years

Listen to your heart

Taking one step at a time

What are you willing to fight for?