I have written several blog posts on "finding me" and I have learned that finding who we are and accepting that precious person as unique in all the world are two different steps on the process of healing from abuse. While I was "finding me", I realized that I had also lost contact with the things that I valued most. Not all things are really "things", so what I valued were representations of what I wanted in my life. For many reasons, through abuse, we can lose not what we value the most but we lose sight of who we are as well and that is the most tragic loss of all.
Searching for our "lost selves" is a task that only we can do; no one can do it for us; no one else knows WHO we are looking for. We may only have a glimpse of that precious person that we used to be long before abuse and neglect, abandonment and rejection damaged us emotionally. We may be afraid to find that person, knowing fully that she or he may not want to be found, due to guilt, pain, remorse or fear of having to face the ugly and painful truth of what we have endured in our lives. Finding ourselves can bring up the pain of having lost ourselves but it is only for the moment and will pass as healing occurs.
Finding myself was not only loving myself, it was learning to accept myself as I was and respect myself by being gentle and loving while I walked the path of healing. Acceptance really goes beyond respecting ourselves; it is truly embracing EVERYTHING about us; not only the good but also the bad; even the parts that we do not like or do not want to accept. In finding and accepting myself, I have learned about myself in ways that I could not read about, I could not share and I could not BE without having done the inner investigation into this wonderful person. It has been the greatest foundation for feeling good about being myself.
I may not be perfect, that is not a goal that I have or desire to attain. I may not be as good as others in many areas, but again, being unique is NOT overrated so NOT being like others is really fine with me. I may not be accepted by others for any reason, but in accepting myself and embracing the true me. I may not always feel good, I may have bad memories of abuse and feel that I am not worthy to be happy. I may have done things that I am ashamed of or feel shame for having done or allowed things to be done to me that I would like to forget. I may not like the person that I think I am....
but I CAN be willing to learn about myself and not be afraid at what I will find.
I CAN be open and honest with myself and say "I'm OK" no matter what has happened.
I CAN say that I want to grow and BE the kind of person that I can envision myself to be.
I CAN feel good about BEING ME!
