Fear.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unfamiliar.
Fear of facing that there IS fear and that we are living with something in our lives, like abuse, that needs to STOP and we don't know how we can do it.
Sometimes we CAN'T make the abuse stop but we CAN remove ourselves from it. I believe that there is ALWAYS a way; even when we do not see it or even when we are afraid to look for it.
For years, I "gave up" dreaming. I felt hopeless. I was stuck in a marriage with a man who seemed more interested in "being right" than loving me or caring for our family. He was more focused on "his interests" and criticized ANY THING that I did if I shared it with him. I later learned that he was not only Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disordered but Narcissistic as well. He was abused as a child and would not admit his abuse for FEAR of reliving it, feeling it again or feeling that he must confront the persons who perpetuated it. He let his fear PASS ON THE ABUSE to his new family. He taught his daughter how to rebel against a caring step mom and he made her (me) the ogre instead. He was isolating and restrictive but he touted himself as "being protective". He was HIGHLY critical and demeaning but as a christian, he asserted that it was "his right as a man to DEMAND submission" and as a woman, I was "to obey" him. When I confronted him with the FACT and EVIDENCE of his abusive behavior toward me, he DENIED it. This did not make it less real for me. This angered me to the point of trying to "prove it to him" and then after a short while, I realized that he many NEVER admit his abuse, out of HIS FEAR for having to deal with it; mainly in how it caused him to have to look at himself and how he was FEARFUL of self-examination YET he would constantly demean, devalue and discount any thought or opinion and "go on the offensive" if I even "seemed" to disagree with any idea that he had. I realized that HE had a problem and I did not have to continue to make it mine after I had done "all that I could" to help him realize and heal from the past abuse. I decided that I would NOT be abused because HE was in denial. I was able to emotionally detach and find time for myself; to find myself and start healing from abuse while living with him. This occurred for about 3 years before I was able to leave his household and eventually divorce him.
For me, DARING to DREAM again seemed awkward, it was an unwelcome visitor in my dreams. I had been dreaming of my First Love for many years all throughout the years of abuse. I thought that perhaps I was "retrograding" to a "happier place and time" and trying to escape the abuse I was living in. I enjoyed my dreams of seeing him, touching and even showing love to him but never thought that I could possible see my biggest dream, of being with him again, come true. I could not imagine that one day, that I would be FREE from abuse and be living with him as I had hoped for so many years.
This is why @Singing a New Song has its mission statement :
"finding ourselves,
healing from abuse
and learning to dream again"...
in that order.
In some ways, I am very thankful for FEAR; for it was FEAR that drove me to pursue my dream. AT first it seemed like a HUGE fear...but my dream was MUCH bigger than that. I realize now, that I needed to EMBRACE THE FEAR that kept me bound in order to find my freedom. THEN, I had to put my words (my hopes, aspirations and dream) into ACTION...
All of this was found on my healing journey from domestic abuse. All of it IS possible. FEAR can be overcome. Our words can become actions and our DREAMS can be realized. I know it is true. I had to come to the place to realize that I was worth all the effort...and I know that YOU are too!!!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
