Self respect

We have learned so much about how we treat ourselves and that we teach others how they are permitted to treat us and if we respect ourselves, others will respect us. But in abusive relationships, even when we respect others, we may not have that respect reciprocated and thus we may be in danger of not respecting ourselves. This is a slippery slope of how our self-image and self-esteem can be damaged from abuse.

Where do we "draw the line" and set a boundary so that others will not disrespect us? Honestly, there are some people, abusive and unloving people who may never respect us. They may continue to treat us disrespectfully while boldly denying that they are doing so, for as long as we have contact with them. These are the people in our lives; or whom we have allowed into our lives, who may be suffering from mental illness. 

In my past verbally and emotionally (and intellectually as well) abusive marriage, I learned SO much about "me". I learned that if I allow someone to disrespect me, they will do so most of the time. This realization revealed much cognitive dissonance due to the fact that I wanted to believe that he "was the christian man that he claimed to be" while having to reconcile the facts of his behavior as being abusive toward me. This was the "denial breaker"...realizing that I did not have to believe anything about him but what the truth of his behavior said to me. I needed to acknowledge my feelings about it, him and our relationship OUTSIDE of the "christian parameters" that I expected of him. If this is an issue that you are facing; there are many other posts on this blog that might be helpful to you. I understand, care and can help in sharing my experiences and what "worked" for me. When we think about having a relationship with people who behave this way toward us, we need to honestly see how things really are. We need to step out of denial and have respect for ourselves.

I realized that the "more that I respected myself, the less that I allowed myself to be treated disrespectfully" without saying anything about it and without internalizing it allowing it to damage my "self" esteem. I could not stop his disrespectful behavior unless I removed myself, ended the conversation or walked away. He was so narcissistic that he would unlock doors, follow me while yelling and cursing and after a while of this, I began to see that this was NOT the behavior that a "christian man" should have toward his wife. 

Self-respect; developing it and maintaining it while comparing the disrespectful behavior from others while keeping it was the start of "finding myself". We all deserve to be respected. If by no one else but ourselves, it will be enough. 

We are worth it.  

Making the most of ourselves

What is life really all about? 

Maybe that "making the most of who we are with what we have" might be a good answer. Why not? Let's focus on "what makes life worth living".

Life has always been an adventure for me. Roads to travel, people to meet and places to see. I have learned that in looking outwardly for my life, that I have found it inwardly. Deep within my heart. I find what I love and then "do" what I love; meaning that I love music and the opportunity to sing, write music, collaborate with other singers/songwriters/musicians and then perform and record them seems to be an ultimate expression of my "being". Life has meaning for me when I am doing what I love to do. 


I remember having to complete a writing project in "Human Relations Class" in High School that involved some deep self introspection. It was titled "Where I see myself in five years". Looking back on it, I can see how quickly those five years passed and how I had strayed from my course as I had written in my paper. I look back to see how I had idealized and generalized but was not specific in my plans to reach my goals. My intentions were good but my plans were flimsy to say the least. 

I learned a valuable lesson from this paper. 

If we want to succeed in our goals, 

we must be specific, write them down and work them out. 

They will not happen just because we want them. 

Let's start right now, right where we find ourselves at this moment. We may be standing at a "fork" in the road, needing to make an important decision that will change our course in life or perhaps, we have long since passed the fork and look back with regret and wonder if we will ever come along again...in either case, or any case, we face opportunities to make the most of our lives everyday, every moment. Saying "yes" to change is a great start. Be willing to "bend" and be flexible and "think outside the box". Boxes are meant to hold things but not to help things grow. Try not to get stuck in one.

Our healing journeys lead us down many interesting and adventuresome paths. Make the most of life and yourself by taking chances, following your dreams and believing in yourself. You are worth it!!! 

Think Big

Shared from Dodinsky's "The Garden of Thoughts" on Facebook

I think a lot about the process of thinking and the content of my thoughts and how I came to the conclusions that I have. I have learned that WHAT I think and HOW I think about life will directly effect the magnitude of my life.

When I think of the "magnitude of our thoughts", I am instantly reminded of a book that I read many years ago title "Think Big", written by Dr. Benjamin Carson, African American Neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. He has inspired me to keep growing, keep learning, keep dreaming and more importantly, keep reaching for my goals. 

Let's look at some of his quotes to get an idea or two of how we can THINK BIG!!! 

“People are simply not willing to look at their problems honestly 

and admit that they have problems.” 

       Dr. Benjamin Carson

Dr. Carson is talking all about self-discovery, integrity and above all, rejection of denial in our lives. I have this to be one of the BIGGEST obstacles to clear from our lives in order to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

“It does not matter where we come from or what we look like. 

If we recognize our abilities, are willing to learn and to use what we know in helping others, 

we will always have a place in the world.” (BC)

His insight is only exceeded by his HOPE for all people to "have a place in the world". We ALL have value. We all have something to offer and something that we ourselves as well as others enjoy about us. A willingness to learn and then USE what we know in order to help others is a great goal for our lives.

“We get out of life what we put into it. 

The way we treat others is the way we ourselves get treated.” (BC)

This seems to follow "you reap what you sow" principle. We get out of life what we put into it. Why not put "our all" into it??? We are worth the investment. 

“I am convinced that knowledge is power - to overcome the past, 

to change our own situations, to fight new obstacles, 

to make better decisions.”  (BC)

Here is the "Pièce de résistance"...the crowning thought of his quotes. Learning must involve increasing our knowledge base about life, ourselves and learn how to focus our thoughts and energy toward making healthy decisions so that we can all be "Singing a New Song". 

THINK BIG...your dreams deserve BIG thoughts because you are worth it!!!

I just don't FEEL like it...

Have you ever gotten to a point that you rhetorically ask yourself "What IS the point of it all?" You feel fed up, tired and any attempt to "make things better" has usually ended up with life being much harder, more painful. We may even get to the point that we just have to ask "What the...*add your own expletive*"?????

Sometimes we get so tired of fighting that we stop to reevaluate why we are fighting so hard and what we are fighting for in the first place. This is actually a great to do. And though we may be feeling that we are on the border of depression and emotional exhaustion. The question we can ask ourselves is "What do we do when we "just don't feel like it?" What would be best for us???



The first thing that I do in these times is to have a talk with myself. Yes, I talk to myself a bit. I am at least assured that someone who cares is listening...and I say "It's OK that I feel like crap right now, emotionally I feel exhausted, sad, helpless and even to the point of asking "what the *****?" about nearly everything in my life...just GO AHEAD and FEEL YUCKY...feel it really good. Experience the YUCK of life that most people avoid. Become friends with it to the point of asking "it"..."Well, what do WE feel like doing today?"...because as you know the answer to that question overall is "I just don't feel like it". 

It's almost humorous when we see it from this perspective but sometimes we just have to laugh when we feel like crying. Find the absurd in the confusion and make fun of it. Have a chuckle and say "YUCK" at the same time. It really is an unique experience. 

As with other posts and Facebook page posts, here at "Singing A New Song" we advocate and encourage everyone to face their pain. Don't deny it any longer. Make faces and laugh at it. You may find a creative way to release your feelings and produce something wonderful and even helpful to others that may feel as you do...as I have.

Please remember that YOU are WORTH all the yucky, icky, sad, disappointing, angry and heartbreaking emotions that can be felt. To feel is to live. Let's just try to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again" and FEEL BETTER while we are "Singing a New Song". Let's listen to our hearts and sing the song that we hear.

We are worth it!!! 

Living too much

When was the last time that you were accused of "living too much"? If you ask me, I would interpret that "accusation" as being an affirmation that I am appearing successful in enjoying my life. Really, is there such a thing as "living too much"? I don't think so.


Do you have fun in what "you do"? Do you take time to mindfully enjoy your family, friends, meals, hobbies, etc??? If not, why not? Wouldn't it be strange for someone to say to us "You know, it may be just my opinion, but I think that you "live life too much"? How absurd!!! I would even suspect that a statement like this would be an attempt to control, minimize or defeat our success in life!

Why this has come to my mind is that I am joining a THIRD community chorale/choir. This one only meets in the summer, two days per week and the other two do not meet in the summer but will perform before school starts again. Well, it will take a bit of my time...Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights for the next month and then only Sunday and Wednesday nights for the rest of the summer vacation.  It will challenge me to memorize and perform the music without sheet music in front of me...all three chorales!!! Do I have the brain capacity and love of music to do this??? Do I really want to??? I just have to ask myself "am I trying to live too much"??? Of course, it is a silly question and seems absurd to ask it let alone answer it but in honesty, I asked and answered. My answer is no. Never. I don't believe in "living too much" or enjoying being part of and expressing myself through music when the opportunity rises. Will it take time away from my favorite TV program, Master Chef? Unfortunately, yes, it will. Will I survive without Master Chef??? Surprisingly but with great woe I can answer "yes". I would rather "live too much" and "make the beauty that I love be what I do" than to watch others live life too much!!!

Be a participant not just an observer in life. DARE to live life too much. I challenge you as I challenge myself to include all the things in your life that you love the most. Enjoy them daily. It is our life and no one can or should try to live it for us.

Now, if someone ever accuses you of "living life too much", you will know just how to respond to them.

You are worth it. Never forget that.