Spiritual Journey

WELCOME 

to your spiritual journey...

an opportunity to question YOUR PATH in life 

as we muse along together in 

"finding ourselves, healing from abuse 

and learning to dream again". 

You have not stumbled across this blog by chance. YOUR DESIRE TO LIVE WILDLY, FULLY and FREELY and OVER THE TOP has led you here. This is a great time for YOU to take a few moments in your day to peruse over YOUR spiritual journey in life and ASK: 
IS THIS THE PATH THAT I REALLY WANT TO TAKE? 

Let's start at the beginning with our families. 

What "spirituality" did your family teach you? What was reinforced, allowed or encouraged? What holidays were celebrated? Were they "religious" or "spiritual" holidays or celebrated just because everyone else celebrated them??? What influence and benefit has your "family's faith" had upon your life? Has it been encouraging and OPEN or restrictive and CLOSED?

     Our families are our FIRST impressions of faith of any sort and my family; though morally decent was not specific on one faith view but just a "good" and decent family life and choices. I felt a void. A lack of spiritual guidance and unclear goals and very uncertain values and conflicting and some very obstructive, attitudes and prejudices by my father, mainly, which seemed to cause me to NOT just accept that our family's way of life was the best or that I would just automatically continue it into my own life.

How about culture and religious influences:

Did you or are you planning on choosing a different cultural or religious path than the one that you knew and were taught as a child? Are you "finding yourself" and your expression of faith in another expression of belief in God than the "one" that you have been taught. You know that it is VERY likely; that depending upon the area in which you were raised, you are VERY likely to learn and stay in the faith of the culture that you knew as a child, even if it does not serve to help you mature and develop spiritual. I find this to be a VERY sad FACT. 

     For me, I think that because I was NOT taught a certain faith; or trained to follow certain religious guidelines or was made to adhere to a religious tradition, that I SOUGHT many paths; I was curious about WHY certain cultures saw God in the ways that they did (do) and I read about so many other expressions of faith that the one that was (is) dominant in my residence. I lived in Ohio MOST of my life and only the past three years, here in my new home state of North Carolina.

Our choice of education and career:

Are you doing "what you love?" or have you chosen a career path that at least syncs with your values and your heartfelt dreams? Or do you "do what you do" for the money and have left your dreams on the shelf???

    Do you remember a class your had in high school or college; a career class, where you could explore your interests (perhaps complete a Strong Interest Inventory 

(The Strong Interest Inventory® assessment is one of the world’s most widely respected and frequently used career planning tools. It has helped both academic and business organizations develop the brightest talent and has guided thousands of individuals—from high school and college students to midcareer workers seeking a change—in their search for a rich and fulfilling career. ) to see what you really wanted to do fore a life career??? I remember my Human Relations class, Dr. Mac...that was his real name, he was a tall drink of water, a gentleman and had his Ph D. in Behavioral Studies/Psychology and was teaching High School. One assignment that he gave us to complete was most challenging; "Where do you see yourself in FIVE years"...I look back upon it and though my dissertation was somewhat vague for my 16 years of age, it was and has been very accurate in a general way of who I am and what I desired to spend during my revolutions around the Sun. Do you remember an assignment like this? If not, did you take the MPII in college or at University? I did...and it confirmed but added the field of Science as a great interest of mine; which still is to this day...

Choice of mate/life partner/family of our own: 

I found the most wonderful article on "falling in love" and that most people ONLY fall in love with 3 people in their lifetimes...Here is a wonderful, thought-provoking tool provided by http://thepowerofideas.ideapod.com/fall-love-3-people-lifetime-one-specific-reason/ 

We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime—Each One for a Specific Reason   

By The Power of Ideas - January 27, 2017

It’s true. Philosophers and mystics have raved on for centuries about why we need 3 different lovers. Each one serves a different purpose and there’s no guarantee that all of us will make it to number three.But I bet you’re wondering: 

What the hell are these three different types of loves?

Well, the first one all begins when we’re young. It’s called the “idealistic love”. It’s kind of like a fairy tale. We believe we’re doing it for our family and society.You know, you find the one that is ‘just right’. Everyone will be jealous of you at parties because you’re the ‘perfect couple’. The major problem with this type of love? It relies purely on how other people see you, rather than how you actually feel.

The second type of love is when shit gets real. It’s called the “hard love”. This is where we delve deep into our sexuality, our desires and begin answering the question: Who am I? At times you’ll think that you’re both fated to be together forever. At other times, you’ll want to bite each other’s heads off. It’s passionate, it’s wrong and it’s heart-wrenching. You might break-up, get back together, then break up etc. Each time realizing that it just isn’t meant to be.The good news? You’ve learnt a TON about who you are and what you really want in life.

The third type of love comes out of nowhere. When you meet this person, you’d never consider that you’d end up with them. Perhaps you’re not looking for a relationship, or you think that you’re personalities would clash, but when the connection ignites, it will take off like a lightning strike that neither one of you are prepared for. When you start dating, it just fits. Your personalities bounce off each other like a trampoline. You compliment each other’s strengths and weakness and you both feel like you take on the world. It just feels right. And so it should. You’ve been through struggles, bad breakups, and people who have just plain tried to take advantage of you. But now, you know yourself better than ever, and most importantly, you know deep in your soul that you want to spend the rest of your life with this truly special person.

All of these loves have their reasons, and the lessons you learn through each phase will only help you grow. The people I really feel sorry for are those who never make it to number three.

     I had reviewed my "love lives" prior to reading this article and in my naivete, I deemed that though I had "3 loves" that I had not truly YET experience the "true and lasting" kind of love... They had, very neatly, fallen into the descriptions given in the above article. It has caused me to be thankful; I HAVE HAD 3 loves (two loves to many, I truly only desired to know, marry and love JUST ONE man for a lifetime: but that is not possible) I still am looking and waiting for the idealistic "true love" to find me or me, him. It was upon the FIRST love relationship and it's demise that I chose to begin "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...I did not know about his Borderline Personality Disorder at the time and returned to him...to experience a "dream come true" only to endure the heartbreak of it turning into a "BPD nightmare" complete with infidelity on his part, refusal to "let me have my things" that I brought into the relationship and a TON of broken promises.  I then married my first husband and learned about addictive behavior and abuse (and how NOT to be codependent) and religious dependency or identity that is fake or shallow at best. My second husband, which I thought would be my "last" is my son's father (some say "sperm donor") from whom I learned all about MALIGNANT NARCISSISM, misogynistic abuse and religious "control".   After healing and soul searching, I returned to my "first love" only to find gratitude in all the lessons that I had learned about myself and abuse through marriages with husbands #1 and #2.  

Thank you for reading and please feel free to SHARE this post with others who are needing to embark on their healing journey of "finding themselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". I know it may sound cliche, but it is not. It is not trivial, drivel or trite "sayings"...it is OUR life and we deserve to spend it JUST AS WE WOULD LIKE it to be...

I wish you peace dear one...may this posting find you WELL, HAPPY and WHOLE...

D 

Singing a New Song 

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ― Joseph Campbell

Like many others, I have been on a healing journey from abuse for many years. After having lived through years of  dysfunction in my family of origin and then an abusive "Christian" marriage I have courageously explored my own heart, soul and mind in a very deep personal search for greater understanding and healing.  More recently, after I finally realized that I was STILL not living the life that I had planned; I was shocked into reality and had to make a choice. I chose to start living the life that I had ONLY dreamt of. I chose to dream and NOT let go of my dreams ever again.


As Joseph Campbell was quoted to have said: I had to "be willing to let go of the life I had planned" to HAVE the life that WAS WAITING for me.

Finding Joe (the movie trailer on Youtube)

After becoming a Christian in 1985, I thought that "my plans" for my life would include some calling from God to sing and minister and write songs, perform and record for "the Kingdom". I asked God in prayer to allow me to marry "for the sake of ministry" (meaning also to have a child) including "church ministry" as I had previously done with my first husband. Being that I was a very strong christian, I felt that this was the ONLY path for my life; it WAS my life. That was until I began to understand the the christian man that I had married (and just recently divorced) was personality disordered, abusive and "just plain not nice". There were several well-meaning Christian friends who had NO idea nor understanding of domestic or "spiritual" abuse who "admonished" me to stay with him and "serve him as Christ would". 

I first understood that the very disrespectful, demeaning and discounting behavior of my ex husband was not only verbal abuse but covert emotional abuse and spiritual abuse in the first three years after marriage. He constantly used "church doctrine" and elements of blame and shame to control and "put me down" so he could "be (my) spiritual head". I was demeaned to the point of depression and after the loss of a stillborn boy child, I realized that this "Christian man's" behavior was abusive and not Christlike by any stretch of the imagination. He would neither submit nor "be accountable" to any authority; no church, pastor or counselor. I spent years in counseling in order to try to adapt to plaguing depression and despair.

Regarding my faith, some might say that I have been "disillusioned" by his abuse and no longer having these goals and wanting to "take part" in religious activities is due to having been in an abusive marriage; but it is SO much more than that. It seemed that I was holding onto a religious expression because that was all that I thought "was me" during the abuse. It was the one thing that could NOT be taken from me although it was constantly attacked and it seemed that every step was taken to control me and my gift (from God) for his own personal gain. I was sickened to realize that he was NOT only NOT a Christian, but an abuser. My plans definitely changed.

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track 

that has been there all the while, waiting for you, 

and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. 

Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, 

and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.”

― Joseph Campbell

I thought that I HAD BEEN following "my bliss" but I realize now that it was NOT my first choice. My bliss, which I now define as "being free to be me" HAD been realized with my first Love in the 80's. I was only hiding from myself while I was "being a christian", hiding from the REAL me that had known and loved and been loved by my Love.

"I have been loved"
Jane Eyre

I realize that the love and bliss that I had been hiding FROM; I had to learn to live without until this past February. There were obstacles as with all true love stories; but in the truest sense of the word; LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. 
I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking.  
I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, 
so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane 

will have resonances without own innermost being and reality, 

so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”

― Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth 

I have found my bliss. I love who I am and who I am spending my life with now. I am "being alive" rather than seeking "the meaning of my life". My BEING ALIVE is my purpose and meaning for being and my search has led me back to my self.

Waking up with a smile

I have been found guilt and convicted...of waking up with a smile on my face. HOW COULD I NOT smile with the waking thought that I am finally with the man that I have loved FIRST and loved through almost 26 years of separation. Those years were hell for both of us. (see Back to Our Future Stories Page) So many indications and pieces of evidence are everywhere; poems, ceramic dragons (with two "baby dragons" coming out of their shells), pictures and a gold pearl ring from his mother remind us daily that we really refused to live without each other's memory though there seemed to be NO real possibility of ever seeing each other; let alone, loving each other again and for always. I think of all the years that I woke up with "dread" all over my face; my forehead squished up in pain, my teeth clenching or nerves feeling raw all over my body to where getting up out of bed was the LAST THING that I wanted to do. This is of course when my "last husband" was working nights and I DID have several  good reasons to get up in the morning;  one was that he was NOT lying next to me and I could get my son  dressed and ready for school as well as get myself to work; all positive.

Have you ever "woken up with a smile?". If not, when you wake up after your next night's sleep, think of the ONE THING that you are waking up FOR. I could also think of my son ;now but I have had the pleasure and joy of thinking of the man lying next to me with his arm around my waist whom I have LONGED to love and BE WITH for over 25 years.  I don't even try to contain or suppress that "I am happy to be alive" smile, I just enjoy it.

Thinking on "good things" is a joyful way to wake up every morning; it is really more like the REASON we WANT TO GET UP in the morning. And you know, that NOTHING can PUT that smile on our face like having what really brings us joy in our lives. When we have JOY in our lives; WE HAVE LOVE in our lives. WE DESERVE IT.

Hope your tomorrow starts out with a SMILE!

Finding me after all these years

Like most teenagers, I was also on the quest to "find me" during the late 70's and early 80's. Many called us the "ME generation". The Baby Boomers. However, I find myself associating MORE with the Silent generation of my elderly parents; born to them at a ripe age of 38. In this case, I propose that it is not so much the environment that shapes us but our choices that drive us to seek ways to "find ourselves" within the environment that we live.

In this day of narcissistic indulgence, there seems to be less and less time for social graces and nurturing of relationships. In all the relationships that we have in our lives, I feel that the one "with ourselves" is the one that suffers from lack of attention the most. I propose that we do not seek to "find ourselves" among others or in even "voicing out" who we are.  It is only in the silence of the soul of meditations, compassion and self-love we can bring "out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else has looked quite far enough to find".(see Blog entry posted; Love by Roy Croft)

I have found my "voice" in singing music, song writing, performing, expressions of art in vision boards and beaded jewelry. I have "found myself" among the things that express who I am. I "see" me in my creations. I experience my likes and dislikes and my values. I have embraced "all that is me" within the context of our society of twisted values ( what ever happened to sex AFTER marriage?) portrayed on sit coms and television series, amongst the constant "putting down" of what I value and believe in, amidst the heartache and strain of life's challenges in raising a child today. In all of that, I have still found that "finding me" to be a priority as well as a joy in my life.

You are special and unique. You are worth finding. If you are seeking joy in your life; start by seeking the real you; by "finding you" and frame your live with the beauty of what you love and "Let the beauty of what you love be what you do".  (Jalal ad-Din Rumi, 1207-1273)

Words to live by...not just a quote on the wall.

Do you like the "Inspirational" Quotes Posters? I had one on my wall as a teenager that I had memorized. It was like a shining star lighting my way.

Young love is notorious for making "star crossed lovers" out of anyone who will succumb to the romance, intrigue, excitement and adventure of learning about another person. The irony of love is that we learn just as much or more about  ourselves at the same time, if we are doing it right that is. Even at a  young age, I understood that the deep and honest awakening and activation of the heart was essentially required if love were to bloom and flourish there. The absurdity of finding a true love, letting it go and if fate permitted; having it return years hence would certainly become more than a dream come true. 

I never even imagined that someday I would actually see the truth that Kahlil Gibran wrote about SO many years ago and that a quote on my "teenage  bedroom" wall could actually come alive into my life. It is much more surprising that it occurred over 30 years after it hung on my wall! It was displayed on my wall like a creed. Roy Crofts's poem Love states "You have done ...more than any creed could have done to make me good and more than any fate could have done to make me happy."  I wanted to "be good" and to live a good life. I wanted to believe that anything that would or could be "lost", could be found again IF it were "meant to be". Honestly, I probably would not have truly believed that "that kind of love" really existed. I had only hoped that it did and I clung onto that hope for hope's sake it nothing else.

It was actually several years later that I had experienced that kind of love. I watched it grow into a very real yet magical relationship only to erroneously believe that it was doomed and seemed very unlikely to "ever return". Yet, my heart yearned for the love that I had known. Over 25 years my heart ached and cried for my "Love" and I "couldn't let go" of him and could not understand why. It wasn't until my yearning became returning did I realize that "I was his and would always be his; he was mine forever".

My quote on the wall came true; the words of Kahlil Gibran had come to pass in my life. Remarkable.