Starting over...again. (repost; original added to "About this blog" page)

I had sat at the dawn of a day and meditated and prayed about my life and what grand purpose the remainder of my time on this planet might hold. Hearing the bullfrogs croak, the crisp crackling of the grass drying under the rising  warm sun's rays and seeing the vast landscape ahead of me allowed me to see that there is a start to everything; even every new day. After living through years of domestic abuse, I finally felt that it was time that I deserved to "start over".

I had been through one divorce and was facing a second and I was more determined than ever to allow myself the freedom to dream again. I had lost my dreams amidst many years of feeling completely isolated and manipulated through religious ideas, finances, obligations to everyone but myself. I felt the deep and defeating disappointment of not being able "to be me" in my own "home".  I thought that writing about my disappointments, failures, hopes and dreams would be a way of confirming to myself that I was worthy of living a happy life. I could not see it ahead of me, but I had not yet fully given up hope either that it could be mine someday. I journaled for many years and look back on these writings with disbelief; disbelief at the amount of denial that I had exhibited but I realize now helped to sustain me through the times that I was not "yet ready" to face the truth that had always been. 

I confronted others on their abuse toward me and my son and I moved out to live elsewhere; ok, it was only one mile from his father and his daughter but it was OUR home. A REAL home. We could hardly believe the paradise we experienced. My son sang a joyful little tune around the house on the second day and I just had to ask him what he was doing. He replied "I am singing because I am SO happy. There is so much love, and peace and joy here". He was eight years old at that time. Within a few months, after having no contact with his father, my son and I blossomed in freedom and peace and love in our new surroundings. I began to create vision boards as a non verbal expression (and also non-musical) of the angst and the depth of growth that I was experiencing being out of an abusive marriage household. I was still married but not allowing my life to be controlled, manipulated and shamed by a personality disordered and truthfully, religiously deranged person who called himself a "prophet of god". I use "little g" intentionally as I do not believe that he has any idea of any "greater being" than himself; which is truly a very sad comment to make. Apart from that, my vision boards SCREAMED out my feelings of being treated unjustly and unkindly. No words could combat or deny that I had every right to SPEAK OUT against verbal and emotional abuse. It was liberating to see how I felt in visual form and have NO verbal attacks of discounting, disrespecting, demeaning and devaluing of me as a person. I had finally stood up for my rights as a person and woman and any denial of them would NOT be tolerated.

If you are finding yourself feeling hopeless about your future; PLEASE hear my story and take courage and hope from it today for yourself. I was in a "dead end marriage" and abusive relationship with a personality disordered spouse who would not seek psychiatric help for himself or our marriage. I realized that I must have been "no one" to him but I had begun to realize that "I was someone" worthy of living a happy life and I did NOT give up on my dream of BEING WHERE I AM TODAY. I ESCAPED an abusive marriage and returned to my "first love" and living my "dream come true". If it can happen for me, I know that it can happen for you. I wish you love.