The lighter side of things; not taking life SO seriously

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, 

pull down your pants and slide on the ice" 

 Sidney Freedman

(M*A*S*H* TV show)

Sometimes we just need to let loose with an "I don't care" attitude. Seriously, LIFE provides more than enough constant stress; as many who serve in our military today are well aware. It can rob us of our health, joy of life and peace of mind. I remember seeing this TV program as a child. This comment from the psychiatrist, Sidney Freedman, always stuck with me maybe because it was from a psychiatrist's point of reference, giving advice to those who are seeking; which I consider serious business. The main reason that it has so impacted my perspective on life was its light-hearted and even comical perspective at how EASY it can be to release tension and stress: LAUGHTER! Have you ever responded "Thanks, I really needed a good laugh" after someone "let loose" with a funny joke or story that "gave you the giggles"?.

Giving ourselves a "break from the stress" of living can be a good releaser of tension and conflict building perspectives; that is, as long as we are not trying to run away from what really needs to be addressed.  

Go ahead...have a GOOD LAUGH today...it is good for your body as well as your mind!

You are WORTH IT!!! 

What do you have to lose???

Dare to dream...go ahead. 

I have. 

And though my life is very DISSIMILAR to what it had been 

for many years; 

it is MORE like what I had dreamed. 

The only thing that 

I had to lose 

was FEAR of letting go of 

"second best". 

When we ask a question like "What do you have to lose?" I think of the scary taking risks when we feel we must trade the cozy and comfortable things that we enjoy and feel that we need for something that is uncertain and possibly even unattainable. We fear losing something of value without knowing what will replace it; and without even evaluating if it needs to be replaced in my life. We live with hope that is unfulfilled, misplaced or deferred. We live daily wondering IF our lives can EVER be any different from what they are RIGHT NOW. We live on the edge of decision, thinking that there is NO WAY that we could ever take THE step needed to change our lives. We can feel stuck or even doomed to merely existing while only wishing for a life that is better...that is DIFFERENT. We live with discontent with what we have because we feel that it control us with the fear of losing it to gain something possibly much better. We never know until we take that step. 

But this time, I think of the question "What do I HAVE TO lose?" as a challenge to SHED the obstacles, fear and unwillingness to LOOK AT MY LIFE, with all my weaknesses and perceived limitations, to ACCEPT who and where I am in my life and LOOK FORWARD to what I REALLY WANT in my life. Until I take that step, I may not realize that I NEED TO LOSE the FEAR of taking that step before I am ABLE to take it.  I "HAVE TO" lose my doubts about my abilities. I "have to lose" the fear of making a bad decision. Sometimes even a bad decision is better than NO decision. I "have to lose" other's expectations of me that I no longer value or feel a need to accept and fulfill. I NEED to see LIFE for what it truly is and STOP SEEING MYSELF through anyone else's eyes but my own. I need to SEE MYSELF and VALUE myself and my skills and talents and abilities of all kinds and ACCEPT myself for AS I AM this very moment...THEN I can decide if there are any abilities that I am ready and willing to use to OVERCOME THE FEAR of indecision; the FEAR of failure or the FEAR of success in my life. 

As abuse survivors, we have learned to doubt ourselves too much. We have been doubted and defined by other's needs. Own thoughts, values and opinions have been discounted and dis-valued. We have endured damage and have decided that we will NO LONGER BE ABUSED...now it is time to stop abusing ourselves by reliving and replaying the abuse of the past. We are NO LONGER THERE. We are HERE and we are MUCH stronger than we think. We have SURVIVED. We have endured and preserved who we are so that we could rebuild our lives. We have "found ourselves" at times and are on the path of "healing from abuse" with great hopes that we will someday "learn to dream again"...and we CAN do it.

What do we have to LOSE??? We have to lose all the negative self-concepts, the negative and misleading self-image and self-expectations. We have to lose FEAR.

You can do it. You are already on the healing path and are ready to "learn to dream again"...go ahead and DARE TO DREAM...you will be surprised at what you will lose by doing so. Think of "this kind of loss" as a necessary step in GAINING YOUR LIFE back!!!

YOU are worth it!!! 

Just ONE thing

Is it time to START AGAIN????

The NEW YEAR is a great time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over again as the song says. It is a time to PUT THE PAST BEHIND US where it belongs and MOVE FORWARD. Let's start with JUST ONE THING...what is ONE thing that you would like for yourself in the next year???


Speaking for myself, and perhaps for other women and men who may feel oppressed; that life has passed them by or they feel so damaged from abuse that knowing which direction to move isn't as big a decision as trying to find the energy to do it, I know that I plan on MOVING FORWARD with WHAT I LOVE this coming year. 2011 was my YEAR TO FIND MY LIFE and 2012 was my YEAR TO HOLD ONTO WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT and so now...2013 is MY YEAR to SHINE!!!

I have been patient with myself and understand that some times, there are periods of "down time". I have had a few "down years" in my life...as a singer/songwriter/performer and writer and organizer of groups, I had two years after my son was born that I "did not do much else" other than raise him. He was a preemie and demanded ALL my time and energy. I can say that HE WAS WORTH IT...and I don't regret giving my time and energy to him. I just "missed being me" during those years while LOVING being his mom.

I have just gone through nearly two more "down years" where I have not actively done some of the things "what I love" as I had hoped but my life CHANGED...dramatically. I found THE life that I have wanted for many years only to put "my life" aside for an even more wonderful life that I had only imagined. I became a stay at home mother for my son and the woman whom has always been loved by my "first love" when we reunited in Feb. 2011. It has been nearly two years since I worked outside the home full time, took care of my own finances and on a sad note, sang with a most wonderful classical chorale. I had sung with them for five years and had enjoyed every rehearsal and performance. It challenged my musicality and allowed me musical outlet and enjoyment. 

I have shared all of this to show that not ALL that is in our past that we must "leave in the past" have been bad things in our lives. I have had to leave some good things IN THE PAST so I could MOVE ON in my life. That is ok.

It is TIME to start again. It IS time to take THIS DAY and not expect less of ourselves anymore. BE all that we can be. Connect with others who love what we love. Enjoy the mundane parts of our lives; knowing that at one time, they might have been our "ideal" and not to resent the moment because it is NOT the past. The past will live in our memory and encourage us to GO and MAKE MORE MEMORIES.

All this is being said by a heart that has loved and lost much in the past two years. It is TIME for me to START AGAIN...Sometimes I feel that I have lived so many different lives and it is time for me to start LIVING A NEW LIFE again...New Year's Day encourages me to START AGAIN... how about you???

You are worth it!!! 

Peaceful tidings...

Sometimes our peace comes NOT from getting along with a difficult person,
but learning to get along without them.
~Singing A New Song~

PEACE.

Isn't that all that any abuse survivor really wants in life only to find that like the elusive butterfly always seems to be just slightly outside of our grasp? We run AFTER peace but rarely slow down enough to find that PEACE can only be found within ourselves...this is a hard concept to visualize and accept for an abuse survivor whether we are still with our abuser, have left and have begun our healing journey or are still walking the healing journey after many years of solitude. I know that I expected peace to "come from" the person I love rather than create it myself. I was confused with peace and love. LOVE is given and received, PEACE just "is". 

One thing we MUST remember is that "NO ONE CAN GIVE US PEACE"...once we accept this fact, believe it in our hearts and ACT UPON IT by investing time and taking good care of ourselves, we are no longer chasing it, but it comes to us. 

This holiday season brings hope of peace...but we may not see or feel it. We KNOW that this "should be" a peaceful and loving time; time with family and friends, joyous celebrations with gift giving, bright lights and tasty treats to share with laughter and relaxation...but it may not feel that way for us. We may be struggling to try to "have peace" in an UNPEACEFUL situation...but the good news is WE CAN HAVE PEACE WITHIN US no matter what is happening in our lives outwardly. Abusers will abuse, many of them, possibly mentally ill rather than evil per se, "do not know what they are doing" when they treat us so disrespectfully and they have NO CLUE as to how hard WE ARE TRYING TO STAY WITH THEM in spite of their verbal and emotional abuse. (if you are experiencing physical or extreme mental abuse which may result in physical harm to yourself, please reconsider how hard you TRY to stay with them, you deserve to be treated kindly and be SAFE in your home.) There seems to be very little peace in an abusive home. But we CAN have peace within ourselves and THAT is the good news about this season. It reminds us the PEACE can be found...and no matter what you are dealing with this holiday season, remember one thing...YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Please take good care of yourself, be patient and compassionate. Set healthy and much needed boundaries and ENJOY THE LIFE that YOU want to live even if you don't see it that way in your household. Play music. Watch your favorite movie. Call a friend or family member. If you are impeded from doing the things that you NEED and LOVE, you are probably being abused. PLEASE take this as a challenge to care for yourself...YOU really are worth it.

I bid you good tiding of GREAT JOY and PEACE...now and for the rest of your life.

Merry Christmas and a VERY Happy New Year 2013.

Don't feed the monster...say NO to abuse!

Don't feed the monster  
(Posted from "How I survived" page)

Among my many studies of verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting and covert religious abuse, physical and sexual abuse and the healing of a woman's heart from these abuses; I have found a secret. Love yourself MORE and SAY NO to abuse. 

It sounds too simple I know but I know that I survived and healed from abuse because I began to see that I was worth it; I did not just think that I deserved to be loved, I believed that I was NOT being loved and being abused in its place. I realized that I wanted to be loved for who I am and NOT be used and abused by an abuser. I had to "see me" for who I really was. I had to acknowledge all the weaknesses in me and accept them. I lovingly embraced "me" and spoke gently and kindly to myself about my life and what I really wanted. I "had a talk" to myself about what I had allowed in my life and discussed the reasons why I had allowed abuse in my life. I had to intelligently, not emotionally evaluate what I believed to be true for my life and the parameters of faith that I realized that held me bound to a monster for nearly 11 years. I did not realize what I had allowed to be done to me until I accepted that I was experiencing abuse. No one deserves to be abused.


Saying NO to abuse was a very long and arduous task. I remember say "no" for the first time and getting thrown back with the backlash of anger for having "put up a boundary". I was told that I did not have the right to "put up boundaries in marriage". I knew that I had the right to say NO. I had to learn that each NO was mine and I had the right to say it. I learned that WITH each no, there WOULD BE repercussions and retribution by my ex husband/abuser. I accepted MY RIGHT to say no and the right of another to abuse and disrespect my no but I did NOT have to accept the continual abuse that ensued. I learned that each "NO" made me stronger. I could say "NO" more easily, expect the negative reaction/abuse toward it and laughingly realize that this seemed nothing more than a game of "whose right is it, any ways"...and I WAS RIGHT for SAYING NO to abuse!

As time went on, I felt stronger and more resolute in each "NO"...I even got to the point of not even having to say no. I just DIDN'T do or think what my abuser demanded of me. I didn't reply. This is referred to as "detachment" and this is what infuriates an abuser. If we do not "engage" with them in their "little play", then they do not have anyone to abuse. It doesn't mean that they won't text, email, leave voice mails, lie to the children or neighbors or family members; many abusers continue to "try to get to us" ANY WAY they can. I HAVE REFUSED TO ALLOW MY ABUSER ENTRANCE INTO MY LIFE. Of course, I have a child with him and he calls to speak with him and sends mail and text messages, but I AM NOT ACTIVELY EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED OR ATTACHED to what he does or says or tries to insinuate about me; the only reason for his contact with me is his son and THAT is the ONLY reason that I will respond at all...

There is a helpful mnemonic device regarding HOW we can speak to abusers with detachment to avoid as much engagement as possible.

 
BIFF  
(when communicating in high conflict situations)