WE HAVE THE CHOICE

Does it ever seem that you only look ahead in hopes of seeing "the light at the end of the tunnel" of abuse but see nothing but darkness? That is how it feels when we think that we have NO choice but to endure it. In the midst of "finding me", I began to understand that I there were choices that ONLY I COULD make. They may have seemed limited and even restricted by outside influences but it was clear to me that I ALWAYS HAD CHOICES. 

It is SO IMPORTANT to CHOOSE to make GOOD decisions...Sometimes we need to make a decision with very little information. Some may seem to be made in haste. Some can be firmly made because we finally CHOSE not to live life with abuse. A series of well planned good decisions CHANGED my thoughts and life slowly. Little by little, choice by choice, my healing path began to manifest itself before me. My life became more of my own to live. 



Many friends tried to encourage me to leave the marriage to an horrendously controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive man but that choice seemed TOO big to make...I had to learn to make MANY smaller choices on my healing path. I learned the amazing thing about personal power that I refer to as the Power of "NO".  "NO" is such a small word with such a BIG impact. When we verbalize and act upon what we firmly believe, we can SAY NO and realize that it is no more than making a "little choice" and taking ONE STEP on our healing journey. It is not a drastic step to say "NO"... it is a giant step in healing to realize that WE HAVE THE CHOICE to say NO.

We ALL deserve to find our personal power, make healthy decisions that positively affect our lives and realize that "Life is the sum of all your choices"...Make good choices today. ADD to your life and make it more of what you really want it to become. You don't HAVE TO live this way! You can "Sing a New Song"...I did and so can you!!!

YOU are worth it!!! 

We cannot change anything until we accept it...Carl Jung

The truth hurts. It just plain HURTS. 

We don't want to believe that we are being abused. We don't want to believe that we are unloved and treated with such disrespect. We really do not want to face the truth that a person whom we love could treat us that way.

But we cannot change anything about our situation until we are willing to accept it...for what it is...and stop denying that we are experiencing abuse. 




Life can be hard but it doesn't have to be so hard. We CAN learn to find the "Serenity to accept what I cannot change" when we spend introspective time alone. Solitude and Serenity really do go together. We need time of introspection and acceptance of ourselves in order to accept "the unlovely but true" things about others and our relationships with them...

We can find the "courage to change the things we can" and usually that means that WE CAN CHANGE OURSELVES but need to realize that we CANNOT change someone else. No matter how much they say they love us, no matter how much we love them, we cannot "do their growing" for them. They must grow and mature, learn to accept and love themselves and then it would be possible for them to change behaviors toward us. Sadly though, many may not see this opportunity and lose love, our love in the process of denying their abusive behavior.

We can find the "WISDOM" to "know the difference between what we CAN change and what we CANNOT change but just need to "accept". I have learned a concept called "Radical Acceptance". This  Psychology Today article that explains it: (read slowly, it helped me to do that)

"Radical acceptance" is the tolerant embracing of how and who one is here and now,

juxtaposed with acknowledging the necessity for change and growth. 

To support such self-acceptance, (Marsha) Linehan also integrates mindfulness and meditation 

principles into her treatment approach. 

Linehan (1993) makes the following five fundamental points regarding 

"radical acceptance":

1. Acceptance is acknowledgment of what is.
2. Acceptance is non-judgmental, not a matter of deeming something good or okay.
3. Freedom from suffering requires accepting rather than resisting reality.
4. Choosing to tolerate pain or distress in the moment is acceptance.
5. Accepting rather than avoiding painful emotions actually alleviates suffering.

So how can WE APPLY this concept of Radical Acceptance into our 

"Finding me, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" 

Process??? At all stages by...

• Radically accepting ourselves...the good, the bad and the ugly of "us" AND the same of others. 
• Radically accepting that we have been abused, we did not deserve it and we CAN heal from it. 
• Radically accepting that WE CAN LEARN TO DREAM AGAIN...it is NOT too late. Let's not waste any more of our valuable life in being fearful of what we have yet to experience. We have survived abuse!!!

No matter what it takes to work through this process...remember that 

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! 

New DYNAMIC format for Singing A New Song!!!

Singing A New Song has a NEW look...

it is now actually MUCH easier to use and FIND lots of helpful information, encouraging messages and hopeful thoughts. Just let your mouse be your guide...The latest blog entry will be on the top and YOU CAN CHOOSE previous posts to view by letting your mouse hover over the list ON THE LEFT...Pages can be found in a drop down box from the top and the sidebar will "come out to meet you" if you would like to SUBSCRIBE via email or iGoogle to Singing A New Song.






PLEASE send feedback...it is SO much easier to comment. Just read the blog post and at the bottom you will see an OPEN dialog box...PLEASE FEEL FREE to send an anonymous comment if you feel that you can not safely "speak online" freely. This is a place where we NEED to feel safe. We are "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...WE ARE WORTH IT!!! 

Would you PLEASE let me know how you feel about this??? Does it, can it, do you think that it will "work for you"? 

YOU are why Singing A New Song is HERE...I hope you like the "new look".

Accepting what we can't change

Adapting to life's demands and stresses is certainly something that EVERYONE can relate to, but HOW MANY OF US realize when "we are NOT adapting" very well and we need courage to "let go" of an expectation or grief in order to HEAL and MOVE ON???

One of the happiest moments ever is when I found the courage

to finally let go of what I could not change. 

This post is about OUR mental health. Let's NOT look at anyone else for JUST A MOMENT. There is NO ONE ELSE that matters more to me at this moment as YOU...Stay in "the present" with me and let's talk about YOU. YOU are an unique and wonderful person either from the Americas, Europe, Asia, Australia and Oceania, Africa or possible even Antarctica   We may all having varying educational experiences and cultural differences but we have ONE THING in common...we are human and have a heart and mind and body in which we dwell and experience life.

We deserve to TAKE GOOD CARE of ourselves...that includes not only our physical health but our MENTAL HEALTH as well. It can be GREATLY challenged when we are faced with abuse. We become more greatly AWARE of our needs; both physical, emotional and MENTAL when we are abused. 

If you have been abused, or currently living in an abusive situation...have you asked yourself "WHAT have I been doing for myself in order to find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again?" If counseling with a professional, qualified mental health practitioner has NOT been on your list, then please consider it today. Just like you would consider taking good care of yourself physically if you were not feeling well. We can do all that we can do before we may realize that "we need some professional help" and go to the doctor to be examined and treated with medication. Why should our mental health mean less to us than our physical health???

Let's WORK TOGETHER to help erase the stigma that "going to a counselor" means that we are "crazy"...in my case and from PERSONAL experience, if I had NOT gone to a counselor in dealing with abuse, then my mental health would NOT be in as good a shape that it is today. 

Please take care of your MENTAL HEALTH today. 

You ARE worth it!!! 

How I broke FREE from abuse...Part 2

This is the second part of "The Agreement"...following suggestions from Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Man". These responses are SPECIFIC to MY experience with verbal and emotional abuse and are NOT intended to give specifics for every abuse situation but a general look my (one abuse survivor's) attempt to confront my abuser, end abuse and save a marriage relationship. Since divorce occurred, you may assume that communication of this document was NOT received and agreed upon and thus abuse WAS NOT ACKNOWLEDGED, CONFRONTED and DEALT WITH in a mutually respective manner.

 *****************************************

Part II
We agree to the above because neither person is the other nor lives within the other and so cannot know what the other is, thinks, feels, is doing, and so forth.

Part III
Neither person will: 

Violate the Agreement by emails, notes, or phone messages
Define the other as nonexistent
Deny the above abuses by saying…it was just a joke.
Blame the other for abuse. If you hadn’t…then I wouldn’t have…It’s all your fault.
Intimidate the other
Threaten the other
Demonstrate violence; throwing and breaking things.
Be violent with each other; restraining, grabbing, etc.
Involve the children in the relationship/argument/”discussion, nor defame the other to the children whether in the other’s presence (“she doesn’t understand”, “she is wrong” and thus putting the spouse on trial in front of the child) or saying “I will divorce you” (in front of the children)
Lecture each other...belittle, demean and “put in their place” 

Convey covert abuse by:       
Physically restrain or confine the other to “listen”
Unlock doors to “continue the fight and find resolution quickly” 
Implying and insinuating:
      When are you going to do your part in this marriage? I have been carrying it all alone.
      I can never count on you, you have not proved yourself trustworthy.
Demanding
      If you would “just do what I tell you to do” and not be so rebellious and contentious;  you wouldn't have this problem. 
                         
*note: As you can see, covert abuse can take the form of "questioning" or diminishing the value and worth of the victim. I have encouraged others to NOT take offense but HEAR the question: such as "What did you do all day?" and consider answering with "Well, I was VERY productive today and did many things that you may not readily see, why do you ask???" or to the comment "I work ALL day and don't have time to rest" (implying that the victim should "NOT SIT DOWN" to rest when there is work to do...this is pushing the abuser's OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE and decrease self-esteem tendencies onto others...abuse.   

Part IV    
Both persons agree to:
        Be bonded together against the problem of verbal abuse
        Look at the other while the other is speaking
        Ask engaging questions, for example: “How are you feeling?”
        Excuse themselves if they can’t talk at the moment
        Repeat a statement when asked because the other did not hear
        Ask with a please and accept with a thanks or thank you
        Share decisions about, and control of, joint assets.
        Ask for what he or she wants.
        Abide by this Agreement, not only in regard to each other but also with the children

You can see the POSITIVE suggestions that are NOT directly aimed at the "abuser's abusive behavior but also includes the survivor's responsibility to take ownership of his or her own behavior as well. 
       
Part V     
Both persons agree that if either person hears the other define them in any way, or sees that Agreement broken,  or hears something that they are not sure of, that person will say any of the following:
        “What?”
        “What did you say?”
        “What are you doing?”
This will give the other party the opportunity to respond:
        “I meant to say…”   and thus quickly correcting and restating the comment.

I have learned that though this is a wise step; that if the person is mentally unhealthy, or mentally ILL or have a mental deficiency of sorts (personality disorder, learning disability, etc. ) this will prove to be more of a "revealer" than a clarifier. We need to remember that we "did not cause the abuse, we cannot control it and we cannot cure the abuser" or even "make him/her stop"...these questions will help us set healthy boundaries and control ourselves to possibly eliminate or lessen the abuse and give us clearer understanding as to how to handle it, deal with it or leave the abuser. 

Part VI.     
What we agree we will respond if the Agreement is broken:  The written Agreement will be used to assist in counseling of one or both parties requiring confrontation of the verbal abuse and its affects on the marriage partner and marriage.       
                    
Signed by _____________________________________  Date________________
                                     
            *****************************************
        
Postlog: 
This document was never signed; nor were the contents discussed, nor was it acknowledged to have been read by the receiver. Ever. What might have even been seen as a "futile" attempt to help a verbally abusive spouse "mend his ways" had been very EFFECTIVE in helping the abused identify and acknowledge the gaslighting and covert abuse that she had suffered with for over 12 years. 

For the record; this marriage ended with denial of verbal abuse by the abuser, separation and every attempt to allow reconciliation by the abused up until the "last straw" and subsequent constant denial of the abuser to where he even stated "I never verbally abused you" and subsequently, divorce and freedom from abuse. 

"Free to be me...at last" vision board created March 2010.