How I broke FREE from abuse...Part 2

This is the second part of "The Agreement"...following suggestions from Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Man". These responses are SPECIFIC to MY experience with verbal and emotional abuse and are NOT intended to give specifics for every abuse situation but a general look my (one abuse survivor's) attempt to confront my abuser, end abuse and save a marriage relationship. Since divorce occurred, you may assume that communication of this document was NOT received and agreed upon and thus abuse WAS NOT ACKNOWLEDGED, CONFRONTED and DEALT WITH in a mutually respective manner.

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Part II
We agree to the above because neither person is the other nor lives within the other and so cannot know what the other is, thinks, feels, is doing, and so forth.

Part III
Neither person will: 

Violate the Agreement by emails, notes, or phone messages
Define the other as nonexistent
Deny the above abuses by saying…it was just a joke.
Blame the other for abuse. If you hadn’t…then I wouldn’t have…It’s all your fault.
Intimidate the other
Threaten the other
Demonstrate violence; throwing and breaking things.
Be violent with each other; restraining, grabbing, etc.
Involve the children in the relationship/argument/”discussion, nor defame the other to the children whether in the other’s presence (“she doesn’t understand”, “she is wrong” and thus putting the spouse on trial in front of the child) or saying “I will divorce you” (in front of the children)
Lecture each other...belittle, demean and “put in their place” 

Convey covert abuse by:       
Physically restrain or confine the other to “listen”
Unlock doors to “continue the fight and find resolution quickly” 
Implying and insinuating:
      When are you going to do your part in this marriage? I have been carrying it all alone.
      I can never count on you, you have not proved yourself trustworthy.
Demanding
      If you would “just do what I tell you to do” and not be so rebellious and contentious;  you wouldn't have this problem. 
                         
*note: As you can see, covert abuse can take the form of "questioning" or diminishing the value and worth of the victim. I have encouraged others to NOT take offense but HEAR the question: such as "What did you do all day?" and consider answering with "Well, I was VERY productive today and did many things that you may not readily see, why do you ask???" or to the comment "I work ALL day and don't have time to rest" (implying that the victim should "NOT SIT DOWN" to rest when there is work to do...this is pushing the abuser's OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE and decrease self-esteem tendencies onto others...abuse.   

Part IV    
Both persons agree to:
        Be bonded together against the problem of verbal abuse
        Look at the other while the other is speaking
        Ask engaging questions, for example: “How are you feeling?”
        Excuse themselves if they can’t talk at the moment
        Repeat a statement when asked because the other did not hear
        Ask with a please and accept with a thanks or thank you
        Share decisions about, and control of, joint assets.
        Ask for what he or she wants.
        Abide by this Agreement, not only in regard to each other but also with the children

You can see the POSITIVE suggestions that are NOT directly aimed at the "abuser's abusive behavior but also includes the survivor's responsibility to take ownership of his or her own behavior as well. 
       
Part V     
Both persons agree that if either person hears the other define them in any way, or sees that Agreement broken,  or hears something that they are not sure of, that person will say any of the following:
        “What?”
        “What did you say?”
        “What are you doing?”
This will give the other party the opportunity to respond:
        “I meant to say…”   and thus quickly correcting and restating the comment.

I have learned that though this is a wise step; that if the person is mentally unhealthy, or mentally ILL or have a mental deficiency of sorts (personality disorder, learning disability, etc. ) this will prove to be more of a "revealer" than a clarifier. We need to remember that we "did not cause the abuse, we cannot control it and we cannot cure the abuser" or even "make him/her stop"...these questions will help us set healthy boundaries and control ourselves to possibly eliminate or lessen the abuse and give us clearer understanding as to how to handle it, deal with it or leave the abuser. 

Part VI.     
What we agree we will respond if the Agreement is broken:  The written Agreement will be used to assist in counseling of one or both parties requiring confrontation of the verbal abuse and its affects on the marriage partner and marriage.       
                    
Signed by _____________________________________  Date________________
                                     
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Postlog: 
This document was never signed; nor were the contents discussed, nor was it acknowledged to have been read by the receiver. Ever. What might have even been seen as a "futile" attempt to help a verbally abusive spouse "mend his ways" had been very EFFECTIVE in helping the abused identify and acknowledge the gaslighting and covert abuse that she had suffered with for over 12 years. 

For the record; this marriage ended with denial of verbal abuse by the abuser, separation and every attempt to allow reconciliation by the abused up until the "last straw" and subsequent constant denial of the abuser to where he even stated "I never verbally abused you" and subsequently, divorce and freedom from abuse. 

"Free to be me...at last" vision board created March 2010.