We can "rise above" our circumstances.

Just as Rome was not built in one day; overcoming abuse, healing from its damage, rebuilding our self-esteem and self-concept and trusting our vision for our future is a process. 

Taking the next step on our healing journey is challenging enough. What happens when we find that we have gone from the "frying pan into the fire" and discover that abuse, as we have known it, no longer sufficiently explains what we are facing?

What can we do when the circumstances that we are facing is "fall out" and the beginning of the healing process???

 
PERSPECTIVE:
Do you realize that you ARE WORTH more than the way that you have been treated by others?

FOCUS: 
What are you focusing on in your life??? Are you facing toward the past and remembering the pain and abuse or are you facing toward the future and looking toward healing and wholeness?

 
LISTEN: 
Are you taking time to "listen to what your heart is saying?"...Take the time today to LISTEN to yourself...your heart and mind...





BELIEVE: 
We really are SO MUCH MORE than how we have been treated by others...it is time to learn to RESPECT ourselves and believe that we are WORTHY of a happy and healthy life.

EMPOWER YOURSELF:  
Find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again. Go to counseling. Eat nutritious food and get plenty of rest and hydration. Become more active and TAKE CHARGE of your life!

HEAL and BECOME the person that YOU REALLY ARE!!!

It is time to RISE ABOVE the past and MOVE ON toward our future. You really are worth it!!!!

What's in your heart???

Why do we fear to look within? 
Don't we know that what is "within" is the true "us"? And why do we avoid the truth about who we are when that is what is needed to be healed and made whole???

LOOK into your heart today...don't be afraid. 



I suppose that we might think that it might be easier for an introspective, intuitive personality to be "inward looking" but what about the EXTRAVERTS...like myself? We have NO excuse...I know that we can "look within" as long as we are WILLING to accept and embrace what we see without judgement. 

The only justice is to follow the sincere intuition of the soul, angry or gentle.

Anger is just, and pity is just, but judgement is never just.

~ D. H. Lawrence ~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ * * * * * * * * * *  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

* * * * * * * * * *  

I love when things are transparent, free and clear 

of all inhibition and judgement.

~ Pharrell Williams ~ (of "Happy" fame)

I have looked within my heart all my life. I have always known that the only way to live a life and "find myself, be healed from abuse and learn to dream again", starts with ME accepting myself without judgement. With gentle openness and acceptance. And as soon as we accept and love ourselves, the sooner we allow ourselves to accept and love others.

I have often said that I am am writer but I admit, that I am much more a thinker and philosopher, counselor and friend and helper to many, including myself than the writer that I have hoped to become. I accept this in myself. If I want to become more of a writer; I must WILL myself to BE more of a writer. Happiness, peace and wholesome living is just like that...we create it. And we must start with ourselves...

START WITHIN  TODAY...visit us at Singing a New Song  on Facebook...a place where you can begin to "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Our changing times

Autumn is really beginning here 

in the Northeast USA 

where the tree tops dance 

with glimmering slight yellow, 

red or orange flames along the 

Blue Ridge Parkway.  

As much as we would like to believe that all change will this pleasing to look at; we have known from experience that change is often HARD and sometimes, absurdly purposeless or at least it appears to be on the surface. 

I love the mountains. Though they seem to be constantly visible, they are constantly in flux or periods of change that is too subtle for the human vision until Autumn arrives. 

I can say that I have healed from years of verbal, emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse. I see relationships and people more clearly, truly and accept the truth of what they are and who they are like I have never been able to discern before. I feel very much at peace with who I am and find that EVERYONE who has been where I have been can BE where I am now...happy and healed.

We have a closed group for women only (sorry guys) called Healing and Hopeful (women preparing for healthy relationship after abuse). Please look for us on Facebook at: 

 https://www.facebook.com/groups/healingandhopeful/

We are changing and growing everyday. We are no longer accused by an abuser to "have changed on them" when we would no longer allow their abuse in our lives. We have always been growing, maturing, "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".

Will you challenge your perspective on change today? 
Are you seeing your life from the mountaintop 
or are you stuck in the valley?

Isn't it time to take good care of yourself 
and look forward to "singing a new song" in your life? 
I think so.

I have done it and so can you...

Wishing you love and peace today my friend,
D 
Singing a New Song: 
https://www.facebook.com/Newsong4him

and 
Healing and Hopeful (closed group for women) 

Our pain isn't about someone else

The pain of our past LOSS,  BETRAYAL and ABUSE has had too much space in our lives...

It is time for it to MOVE OUT
 and stop being a barrier to LOVE 

I have emotionally moved on and MOVED OUT the emotions of pain, abuse and betrayal...I realize that how I feel is about ME, no one else. It is about how I have expected others to treat me; based upon their behavior and promises before they lost the ability to grow and continue to love me as I had loved them...

If we are not careful and diligent, life's joys and pleasures can be taken from us, overpowered by loss, grief and emotional and physical pain. One day we look back and wonder "what happened"...and that is when we need to start on our healing journey of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...it is never ending. Hopefully.

I hope that you have found that YOU LOVE...and that the only barrier that you have to loving others is yourself...it is not about them...it is about YOU. Others cannot make you love them any more than you can make others love you...and the same for "unloving" them...we make the CHOICE to love or not to love. It is an healthy perspective on life to make healthy boundaries and realize that we deserve to BE loved as WE love others. In my experience, very few persons grow out of their pain of loss, abuse and betrayal to see that they have been damaged and unable to love others because they have failed to love themselves.

Don't give such negative, life-sucking emotions place in your life. MOVE THEM OUT and move on with "Singing a new song".
YOU are worth it!!!

What is REAL?

Capodiomonte rose

This is a Capodimonte rose. I had one just like this for many years. It given to me by my mother who loved roses all her life. She even married a man and had three children who's last name was Rose. It's understandable.

I have always been fascinated in art and sculpture. The artist's goal is to create a material representation of a natural and temporal thing like a flower or a man. Most of the time they reproduce with fairly close accuracy. But they cannot recreate the natural beauty that they see; only make a copy of it; albeit in their own 

artistic and usually very insightful ways.

This rose, in all of its created beauty reminds me of how ATTACHMENT can imitate LOVE and why it is hard for us to "break free" from abuse. Thinking that WE are loving them, why is the relationship dying or why has it become abusive. Why can't we leave???

Attachment is: 

an act of attaching or the state of being attached 

or a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause,ideal, or the like; devotion; regard.

Love is: 

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

I had been wondering why it was so hard to leave a person, lover, spouse, who was abusive when we still thought that we loved them but was hurt daily by their abuse. It struck me like a lighting bolt one day that it must be the ATTACHMENT not the LOVE that keeps us in unhealthy relationships. Loving another does not heal us or them if they are abusive toward us and an are unwilling to face their behavior and take responsibility for their own actions.

It has been several years since separating (2009) and divorcing (2011) from my exhusband who was controlling and abusive to realizing that I had loved another man all my life only to find that I was attached to him but since I am no longer attached to him (2013) I realize that LOVE was not their either...not true love that is.

Is there someone whom you FEEL an ATTACHMENT but it does not seem to be an healthy relationship? Are you TRYING to make love out of an attachment?

Have you left someone you loved; may still think that you love but would not have a profound, tender affection toward you and you felt STUCK to them, no matter what?

Perhaps you allowed yourself to become attached but love was not in the picture. Something for you to ponder today as you "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

You really ARE worth it...

No matter what anyone says...

 

  

For the abusers who are OUT of my life...thank you!

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

King James Bible

This goes for an angry man as well...

Mental illness is insidious and "they do not know what they do"...forgive them...say NO to abuse and MOVE ON...

you are worth it!!! 

I thought I had experienced abuse in marriage; a Christian marriage, no less but what I experienced since 2009 has been FAR MORE than I ever wanted to know about mental illness and trying to have relationship with one who is suffering from a Personality Disorder.

I dedicate this blog entry to the WOMEN whom I have met who have been so vile, so abusive and claim that it is "because of their PTSD" that they have lashed out, threatened and violently gritted (and gnashed and grind their teeth as the Bible states) their teeth while tightly clenching fists in rage to intimidate instead of physically attacking...mentally assaulting their uncontrollable victims. 

Yes, there are women abusers. Women who, through their own abuse and pain and denial of mental illness, expect others to "do their bidding" or "pay the price"...

This was very uncomfortable for me but easier because I had witnessed first hand, a man being abused by this woman. I could detach and help him set healthy boundaries as we were threatened with our safety if "we were to have conspired" against her. 

Mental illness is real. We all deserve to be loved and respected and not controlled and intimidated. She used to have a "friend" (I kept her at arm's length intentionally and did not involve her with many others in my life because of what I understood at the time...for this I am very grateful) who would take her grocery shopping, go out for coffee, go to the latest Convenient store/Gas station plaza Grand Opening, transportation to doctor's visits and the library and occasional lunch. So with SO much to lose WHY does a person act this way???

It is hard to explain but very easy to remedy. NO ONE deserves to be spoken to disrespectfully...put down...threatened or controlled...a simple "I will not allow myself to have any contact with her" is all that is needed...say NOTHING...do NOTHING. 

Block them on Facebook...Delete or put as "do not receive" on your phone. Warn any other friends who might have any association of your "pulling away" from her and having NO CONTACT due to her abusive and dangerous behavior.

It is time to call abuse what it is. Whatever its source, whatever the gender, nationality or religion of the person...we have the right to DISSOCIATE with them..have NO CONTACT and go on to live our lives without the drama, abuse and control that a Narcissistic person needs.

We can enjoy our own company...we do not need the constant "Praise" that a narcissist demands. We do not need to "put others down" especially those who have helped and encouraged us...we have more sense than to "bite the hand that feeds us" while they may feel resentful that they "depend" so much upon us. Cut that dependence today...  

I am an abuse survivor advocate and mental health advocate and still run into persons who try to run my life...no more...

Wishing you healthy and happy relationships...any other kind, are not worth your time.  

I don't care anymore!!!!

The first quarter of this NEW year has been an adventure and quite enjoyable. I would like to share some healing helps and thoughts with you that I have discovered and how I began to reengage with my aspirations and dreams.

It has been over a year since my relocation to my new home; I live in the beautiful area of North Carolina after moving from snowy and gray Ohio. I have truly learned that "home is where your heart is" and even while I was living in Ohio; after the passing of my parents, I realized that my heart was no longer there...it longed for and found much greener pastures and hope for life after much abuse and dysfunctional relationships.

I have learned:

Things do not matter: 

As much as I clung onto memories and memorabilia, I realized, finally, that what I have given up for my freedom and new life will always be with me. My love of my family members whose photos are not with me, remains with me. I do not need the photos, the gifts or the inherited items that I have left behind. I feel free of material things and hold onto memories and only memories of those whom I had loved and who loved me.

Time does not heal ALL wounds but time surely does allow us perspective:

It takes time to heal. I was trying to heal from many things; perhaps all at the same time. My focus was like a "shot gun" and I multi-tasked, as usual, even more so, to survive and heal. Time has allowed distance from the painful loss of my parents, the grave but overcomeable disappointment of relationship with abusive persons and change in my life and lifestyle as I relocated to be closer to remaining family.

Family matters...a lot!!!

My son has been my main focus; even before my wants or needs in this past few years. I have been successful in getting him the medical intervention he has needed to address ADD and he is showing himself to be a very loving, thoughtful, independent and free thinker who has learned about abuse and has been establishing good boundaries with those in his life, apart from our home, who have been abusive to me and him in many ways. He is my joy. My other family; brother and his family have been phenomenal in their support and encouragement. They may only truly understand the tip of the iceberg of the abusive relationships that I have overcome, but even in that, they have loved and cared for me and my son and my future. I have not been isolated or accused of inappropriate relationships with others and have made many new and wonderful connections and friends in this area. My friends have become like family to me; I have brothers and sisters within many organizations; church, chorale, not for profit, who truly bless me and allow me to share my gifts and talents. 

The past is IN THE PAST:

There is no doubt that I have been through a lot. I have endured. I have survived. The past is in the past and that is where it will remain. I have even written "goodbye" songs to a friend (his widow mainly) who died from cancer.  I have resolved any unhealthy relationships by seeing them as they were. Songwriting and writing has been my solace and comfort. Seeing a written word of my own thoughts and feelings has been very healing. I have left it all "in the past, just where it aught to be". I have learned from the past but it is no longer part of my life today...it is only a shadow of "what has been"...my present and future is my focus.

There are cruel people in the world:

I have been too trusting and very naive in my life. I have depended upon others as I would have kept my promise to them. I used to believe that I was deceived, but I realized that I deceived myself into believing that others were the kind of people, honorable, loving and kind, honest, gentle and genuine, that I had thought them to be...as I am. They were a waste of my time and life. Whatever they knew of me, they were privileged to know. I count those who have hurt and tried to control and "punish" me for their own twisted internal pain, to be to be worthless apart from being a lesson to me in my life. I have worked through the anger of loss. The anger and pain of betrayal. I am done. I feel great about who and where I am and whom I have relationship with now. I no longer feel any obligation to them or care what they are going through. I learned a valuable lesson that not all persons are worth our time and our life.

I don't care anymore!!

I don't care anymore (by Phil Collins)

Well you can tell ev'ryone I'm a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place.
I don't care anymore.
You can tell ev'rybody 'bout the state I'm in
You won't catch me crying 'cos I just can't win.
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say
I don't play the same games you play.

'Cos I've been talking to the people that you call your friends
And it seems to me there's a means to and end.
They don't care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.
I don't care anymore I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won't be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

Well, I don't care now what you say
'Cos ev'ry day I'm feeling fine with myself
And I don't care now what you say
Hey I'll do alright by myself
'Cos I know.

'Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards.
I don't care anymore.
And I really ain't bothered what you think of me
'Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.
I don't care anymore D'you hear? I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
I never did believe you much anyway.

I won't be there no more
So get out of my way.
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore
D'you hear? I don't care anymore
I don't care no more
You listening? I don't care no more
No more!

You know I don't care no more!

If you are still reading and find that you can relate to the process of healing; of finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again, I count you as a friend and I love you. Thank you for entrusting this blog and Singing a New Song on FB (along with our NEW "Healing and Hopeful" preparing women for healthy relationship after abuse FB closed group) to bring you helpful, hopeful, healing thoughts and encouragement. We do deserve to be healthy, happy and whole. We CAN be "Singing a New Song". We do not have to ever depend upon others for our happiness...we shouldn't. We are all we need.

Sending you LOVE and peace my dear friend.

YOU are worth it!!!

D