New DYNAMIC format for Singing A New Song!!!

Singing A New Song has a NEW look...

it is now actually MUCH easier to use and FIND lots of helpful information, encouraging messages and hopeful thoughts. Just let your mouse be your guide...The latest blog entry will be on the top and YOU CAN CHOOSE previous posts to view by letting your mouse hover over the list ON THE LEFT...Pages can be found in a drop down box from the top and the sidebar will "come out to meet you" if you would like to SUBSCRIBE via email or iGoogle to Singing A New Song.






PLEASE send feedback...it is SO much easier to comment. Just read the blog post and at the bottom you will see an OPEN dialog box...PLEASE FEEL FREE to send an anonymous comment if you feel that you can not safely "speak online" freely. This is a place where we NEED to feel safe. We are "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...WE ARE WORTH IT!!! 

Would you PLEASE let me know how you feel about this??? Does it, can it, do you think that it will "work for you"? 

YOU are why Singing A New Song is HERE...I hope you like the "new look".

Accepting what we can't change

Adapting to life's demands and stresses is certainly something that EVERYONE can relate to, but HOW MANY OF US realize when "we are NOT adapting" very well and we need courage to "let go" of an expectation or grief in order to HEAL and MOVE ON???

One of the happiest moments ever is when I found the courage

to finally let go of what I could not change. 

This post is about OUR mental health. Let's NOT look at anyone else for JUST A MOMENT. There is NO ONE ELSE that matters more to me at this moment as YOU...Stay in "the present" with me and let's talk about YOU. YOU are an unique and wonderful person either from the Americas, Europe, Asia, Australia and Oceania, Africa or possible even Antarctica   We may all having varying educational experiences and cultural differences but we have ONE THING in common...we are human and have a heart and mind and body in which we dwell and experience life.

We deserve to TAKE GOOD CARE of ourselves...that includes not only our physical health but our MENTAL HEALTH as well. It can be GREATLY challenged when we are faced with abuse. We become more greatly AWARE of our needs; both physical, emotional and MENTAL when we are abused. 

If you have been abused, or currently living in an abusive situation...have you asked yourself "WHAT have I been doing for myself in order to find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again?" If counseling with a professional, qualified mental health practitioner has NOT been on your list, then please consider it today. Just like you would consider taking good care of yourself physically if you were not feeling well. We can do all that we can do before we may realize that "we need some professional help" and go to the doctor to be examined and treated with medication. Why should our mental health mean less to us than our physical health???

Let's WORK TOGETHER to help erase the stigma that "going to a counselor" means that we are "crazy"...in my case and from PERSONAL experience, if I had NOT gone to a counselor in dealing with abuse, then my mental health would NOT be in as good a shape that it is today. 

Please take care of your MENTAL HEALTH today. 

You ARE worth it!!! 

How I broke FREE from abuse...Part 2

This is the second part of "The Agreement"...following suggestions from Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Man". These responses are SPECIFIC to MY experience with verbal and emotional abuse and are NOT intended to give specifics for every abuse situation but a general look my (one abuse survivor's) attempt to confront my abuser, end abuse and save a marriage relationship. Since divorce occurred, you may assume that communication of this document was NOT received and agreed upon and thus abuse WAS NOT ACKNOWLEDGED, CONFRONTED and DEALT WITH in a mutually respective manner.

 *****************************************

Part II
We agree to the above because neither person is the other nor lives within the other and so cannot know what the other is, thinks, feels, is doing, and so forth.

Part III
Neither person will: 

Violate the Agreement by emails, notes, or phone messages
Define the other as nonexistent
Deny the above abuses by saying…it was just a joke.
Blame the other for abuse. If you hadn’t…then I wouldn’t have…It’s all your fault.
Intimidate the other
Threaten the other
Demonstrate violence; throwing and breaking things.
Be violent with each other; restraining, grabbing, etc.
Involve the children in the relationship/argument/”discussion, nor defame the other to the children whether in the other’s presence (“she doesn’t understand”, “she is wrong” and thus putting the spouse on trial in front of the child) or saying “I will divorce you” (in front of the children)
Lecture each other...belittle, demean and “put in their place” 

Convey covert abuse by:       
Physically restrain or confine the other to “listen”
Unlock doors to “continue the fight and find resolution quickly” 
Implying and insinuating:
      When are you going to do your part in this marriage? I have been carrying it all alone.
      I can never count on you, you have not proved yourself trustworthy.
Demanding
      If you would “just do what I tell you to do” and not be so rebellious and contentious;  you wouldn't have this problem. 
                         
*note: As you can see, covert abuse can take the form of "questioning" or diminishing the value and worth of the victim. I have encouraged others to NOT take offense but HEAR the question: such as "What did you do all day?" and consider answering with "Well, I was VERY productive today and did many things that you may not readily see, why do you ask???" or to the comment "I work ALL day and don't have time to rest" (implying that the victim should "NOT SIT DOWN" to rest when there is work to do...this is pushing the abuser's OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE and decrease self-esteem tendencies onto others...abuse.   

Part IV    
Both persons agree to:
        Be bonded together against the problem of verbal abuse
        Look at the other while the other is speaking
        Ask engaging questions, for example: “How are you feeling?”
        Excuse themselves if they can’t talk at the moment
        Repeat a statement when asked because the other did not hear
        Ask with a please and accept with a thanks or thank you
        Share decisions about, and control of, joint assets.
        Ask for what he or she wants.
        Abide by this Agreement, not only in regard to each other but also with the children

You can see the POSITIVE suggestions that are NOT directly aimed at the "abuser's abusive behavior but also includes the survivor's responsibility to take ownership of his or her own behavior as well. 
       
Part V     
Both persons agree that if either person hears the other define them in any way, or sees that Agreement broken,  or hears something that they are not sure of, that person will say any of the following:
        “What?”
        “What did you say?”
        “What are you doing?”
This will give the other party the opportunity to respond:
        “I meant to say…”   and thus quickly correcting and restating the comment.

I have learned that though this is a wise step; that if the person is mentally unhealthy, or mentally ILL or have a mental deficiency of sorts (personality disorder, learning disability, etc. ) this will prove to be more of a "revealer" than a clarifier. We need to remember that we "did not cause the abuse, we cannot control it and we cannot cure the abuser" or even "make him/her stop"...these questions will help us set healthy boundaries and control ourselves to possibly eliminate or lessen the abuse and give us clearer understanding as to how to handle it, deal with it or leave the abuser. 

Part VI.     
What we agree we will respond if the Agreement is broken:  The written Agreement will be used to assist in counseling of one or both parties requiring confrontation of the verbal abuse and its affects on the marriage partner and marriage.       
                    
Signed by _____________________________________  Date________________
                                     
            *****************************************
        
Postlog: 
This document was never signed; nor were the contents discussed, nor was it acknowledged to have been read by the receiver. Ever. What might have even been seen as a "futile" attempt to help a verbally abusive spouse "mend his ways" had been very EFFECTIVE in helping the abused identify and acknowledge the gaslighting and covert abuse that she had suffered with for over 12 years. 

For the record; this marriage ended with denial of verbal abuse by the abuser, separation and every attempt to allow reconciliation by the abused up until the "last straw" and subsequent constant denial of the abuser to where he even stated "I never verbally abused you" and subsequently, divorce and freedom from abuse. 

"Free to be me...at last" vision board created March 2010. 

How I broke FREE from abuse

Here at
Singing A New Song 
(and on Facebook @SingingANewSong) 

I have focused on sharing the PROCESS of "Finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" and have not forgotten how crucial it is to be able TO IDENTIFY ABUSE and accept its presence in our lives. 

It is ONLY THEN that we will be able to identify the opportunity to STOP BEING ABUSED and start living OUR LIVES in freedom. 

I would like to share some excerpts from a Tool taken from ("The Agreement" from the book, The Verbally Abusive Man by Patricia Evans) that helped me identify the actual words of verbal abuse in speech and written form that I had experienced from my EX abuser of almost 10 years. It was through the help of Patrica's many verbal abuse books and her bulletin board at VerbalAbuse. com that I began to SEE HOW I WAS BEING ABUSED and that is when I started seeing myself as an abuse survivor rather than an abuse victim. 

This four (4) page document and HANDED to my EX abuser who never read it. He was asked to read and sign it with my signature forming an "agreement" between the two of us that there would be NO verbal abuse in our household. He did not acknowledge but DENIED his abuse with the final statement of "I NEVER verbally abused you" (Dec. 2011, we divorced August 2012). 

I hope that you will see, as I had, that we cannot confront our problems until we acknowledge their existence. Denial is the one major coping mechanism that turns into a defense for an abuser's behavior. We, as abuse survivors, do NOT have to accept an abuser's "view" of their behavior. Verbal abuse is WHAT THEY DO, not what they THINK they do. This was addressed TO my ex abuser as an official document: 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  

The following lists (are not exhaustive) are examples of the verbally and emotionally abusive behavior most often seen, heard and experienced within the course of our marriage to date. The sources and affects of verbal and emotional abuse has devastated and scarred us (in our pasts and current marriage) and we must make the conscious and deliberate choice and plan the steps to take that we need to make in order to be healed and healthy; individually and as a couple and family.

*note: You will see how this is written diplomatically and not blaming HIM but bringing the actual behavior to light*

     This will help clarify and identify verbally and emotionally abusive communication; whether intended or unintentional and is not intended to be rules to follow as much as guidelines to live by. We may have times of anger; at ourselves, our situation or even at each other. These can be resolved without resorting and converting back to VA behavior. Counseling will be an ongoing requirement to determine the roots of the irrational behavior exhibited as VA and EA. We must choose to “edify each other rather than tear each other down” with words.

*note: Again, you can see by my writing, that I am looking for a mutual agreement that abuse HAS occurred and in order to have a better marriage, that it must END and this was a tool that would help us "edify each other rather than tear each other down". This was not accepted by him at all. I did not realize AT THE TIME that it was a tool that provided me with the understanding of abuse and a vehicle for my freedom of it than for marital repair. 


Part I  
What we agree NOT to say to each other in either word, email or words on the printed page:  Statements that define the other, as if we KNOW what each other is, thinks, feels, needs, wants, is trying to do, is doing, what you must do, etc are regarded as verbally abusive because they define another person’s reality and perception. This is referred to as “soul or psychic rape” because it invades and defiles the very heart of a person’s perception of reality, themselves, their spouse and life in general. You cannot know for certain what I am thinking, feeling, etc at any time unless you ask and I share the information with you to the best of my knowledge. In other words, we are separate beings and to assume that you “know” any of the above is to take away the individual liberties that God has given to me as an individual and your wife.
       
***For that reason and for the sake of our marriage we will agree to NOT define the other (tell each other what we are) with labels that say that we think we know WHAT each other is in statements such as:

        You are:
            the cause of being hurt or “You are the problem”
            hard to get along with
            a horrible wife/person/husband
        You are “too sensitive”
            irresponsible
            selfish
            a slob
            wrong
       
        You are (doing this):
            acting emotional
            attacking me
            blowing it out of proportion
            getting upset about nothing
            making it up
            overreacting
        You are:
            mad at me


*note: As you can get the feel of this, these are the "YOU statements" that any marriage/relationship counselor will WARN you to STAY AWAY FROM in your verbal communication. This is because a "YOU statement" is actually DEFINING WHO WE ARE by the person saying it to us. THEY THINK or want us to believe that "we ARE" as they see us so that their behavior is justified...or in other words, they want to give us the "reasons" that "we deserve their abuse" but they are likely to say that WE are disrespecting them rather than they are DEFINING who we are...a very common covertly abusive tactic.
             
        You don’t
             Feel that way
             Don’t love me
             Have nothing to cry about
             care about me you only care about yourself

        You need:
              Need other’s attention to make you feel good
              Need to repent for your rebelliousness
              Need to go to therapy
              Need to submit to me
                   
        You:
              Just want to have the last word
              Want to hurt me on purpose
              Want to get the last word
       
        You are trying to:
              Control me
              Get attention
              Turn my children against me
            
       You:                
               Always think I am wrong
               Always turn things around on me
               Consider everyone’s opinion but mine
               Do nothing for me
               Don’t’ work as hard as me
               Interrupt me
               Just won’t let things go
               Make me angry
               Make me want to hit you
               Make me want to hurt you
               Read pop psychology books and latch onto whatever little fad                   
                    appeals to you at the moment.
               Take everything out of context
               Won’t let me talk

        You think:
                I am wrong
               You know best
               You know it all
               You’re always right

*note: Also, the "YOU statement" is a way an abuser attempts to read our minds and tell us what we think and feel also known as "mindreading". My "christian abuser/husband" actually looked at me and SAID "YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOT SUBMISSIVE"...(uh?). This  "proves" to that the abuser that he is "right" in his behavior and the abused (survivor) is "wrong"...but as you can see...things are NOT always as they appear and VERBAL ABUSE can be VERY covert and INSIDIOUS.  

        You don’t know:
               How to take a joke
               what feeling bad really means
               what I meant

        I know:
               you better than you know yourself.

        You MUST:       
              Get over it
              Go to the doctor and get some hormones
              Do what I tell you to do (I am your authority)
              Do it this way
              Do it this way.(my way)
              Submit to me

        You:
                Did it all wrong
                Did it on purpose
       
*note: VERBAL ABUSE is usually VERY CRITICAL...telling the abuse survivor that he/she that whatever is being criticized, is "not good enough". What makes Verbal Abuse so insidious, is that though we hear "I did not DO good enough", we are very likely to FEEL and perhaps think, "I am NOT enough". 


        You can’t:
                Do anything right
              
        You are responsible:
                It’s your fault if you’re hurt’ (you choose to feel hurt by what I said)
                You deserve how I treat you.
       
        You take things:
               Too seriously  
               Too personally
       
        You get:
              What you deserve

        You have:
              To have the last word
              A problem

        You don’t have:
              A sense of humor

        Your perception is wrong:
              You don’t have the right to blame me for how you feel

*note: This type of Verbal Abuse is referred to as DISCOUNTING (yes, it is VERY disrespectful, demeaning and defining as well) to the point that "what we think is not considered by the abuser"...as though our very thoughts and opinions are DISCOUNTED. I was actually told "YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED THE WAY THAT YOU TREAT ME"...this can fall into the PROJECTION: imagining or projecting the belief (of the abuser) are originated by others.


This comprised of the Introduction and PART ONE (and second largest part) of FIVE parts of "The Agreement" that I look forward to sharing with you. I hope that these examples will help you identify Verbal Abuse in your life and that you will "break free" from it as I did...

YOU are WORTH it!!! 

His high endeavors are an inward light
That makes the path before him always bright.
~William Wordsworth

Getting things into real perspective

Sometimes we are TOO CLOSE to our problems. 

We LIVE IN THEM day in and day out and we can't "see the forest for the trees" and they seem to be ENORMOUS and just perpetuate the HUGENESS of our situation BUT if we could take a step back and get a wider view, it might not seem so overwhelming. 

Sometimes we feel that we have overwhelming decisions to make and we stop and ask ourselves "which way do we go"??? 

We can either make a decision with haste and perpetuate our situation or we may procrastinate or delay making a decision, hoping that it will "work itself out"...

Both, at times, can be devastating to our lives and the situations that we have to face. 

                                                                                                                                

AND THEN...

just when we think that we are getting a handle on our situation and having chosen to "see the big picture" and "make good decisions" we may feel like we are on "uneven footing", feeling VERY uncertain about the "next step" that we need to take. We may FEEL uneasy and "second guess" our perspective and decisions when sometimes, it may be JUST AN ILLUSION that abuse throws at us to throw us off our "game"...but it is NO game to us. We WANT to see things as they are, walk with confidence, feel safe and make good decisions that could not only extricate ourselves from an abusive relationship but create a life for ourselves where we can "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

All the stresses of life are NORMAL and it is OK to feel uneasy about situations in your life that you have learned create or sustain unhealthy attitudes, unhappiness and indecision. We ALL face these things. YOU are NOT crazy. Sometimes, as I have learned, we really want to figure things out. WHY does he behave that way? WHY do I always apologize or give in or recant what I truly believe to just avoid another argument or name calling? 

I had learned to "STOP TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF NONSENSE"...or as Patricia Evans; author of "The Verbal Abusive Relationship" quotes in her newest book "Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life", as "JUST PLAIN SENSELESS" behavior of an abuser toward an abuse survivor.

If you are being abused, you CAN acknowledge and accept it and START looking at it from a bigger perspective. Read books about verbal, emotional, sexual or physical abuse and healing from it and think about talking with a qualified counselor about your situation. Another pair of eyes and ears may help you get things into proper and healthy perspective. You DO NOT HAVE TO BE ABUSED ANY LONGER...

YOU really ARE worth it!!

The lighter side of things; not taking life SO seriously

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, 

pull down your pants and slide on the ice" 

 Sidney Freedman

(M*A*S*H* TV show)

Sometimes we just need to let loose with an "I don't care" attitude. Seriously, LIFE provides more than enough constant stress; as many who serve in our military today are well aware. It can rob us of our health, joy of life and peace of mind. I remember seeing this TV program as a child. This comment from the psychiatrist, Sidney Freedman, always stuck with me maybe because it was from a psychiatrist's point of reference, giving advice to those who are seeking; which I consider serious business. The main reason that it has so impacted my perspective on life was its light-hearted and even comical perspective at how EASY it can be to release tension and stress: LAUGHTER! Have you ever responded "Thanks, I really needed a good laugh" after someone "let loose" with a funny joke or story that "gave you the giggles"?.

Giving ourselves a "break from the stress" of living can be a good releaser of tension and conflict building perspectives; that is, as long as we are not trying to run away from what really needs to be addressed.  

Go ahead...have a GOOD LAUGH today...it is good for your body as well as your mind!

You are WORTH IT!!! 

What do you have to lose???

Dare to dream...go ahead. 

I have. 

And though my life is very DISSIMILAR to what it had been 

for many years; 

it is MORE like what I had dreamed. 

The only thing that 

I had to lose 

was FEAR of letting go of 

"second best". 

When we ask a question like "What do you have to lose?" I think of the scary taking risks when we feel we must trade the cozy and comfortable things that we enjoy and feel that we need for something that is uncertain and possibly even unattainable. We fear losing something of value without knowing what will replace it; and without even evaluating if it needs to be replaced in my life. We live with hope that is unfulfilled, misplaced or deferred. We live daily wondering IF our lives can EVER be any different from what they are RIGHT NOW. We live on the edge of decision, thinking that there is NO WAY that we could ever take THE step needed to change our lives. We can feel stuck or even doomed to merely existing while only wishing for a life that is better...that is DIFFERENT. We live with discontent with what we have because we feel that it control us with the fear of losing it to gain something possibly much better. We never know until we take that step. 

But this time, I think of the question "What do I HAVE TO lose?" as a challenge to SHED the obstacles, fear and unwillingness to LOOK AT MY LIFE, with all my weaknesses and perceived limitations, to ACCEPT who and where I am in my life and LOOK FORWARD to what I REALLY WANT in my life. Until I take that step, I may not realize that I NEED TO LOSE the FEAR of taking that step before I am ABLE to take it.  I "HAVE TO" lose my doubts about my abilities. I "have to lose" the fear of making a bad decision. Sometimes even a bad decision is better than NO decision. I "have to lose" other's expectations of me that I no longer value or feel a need to accept and fulfill. I NEED to see LIFE for what it truly is and STOP SEEING MYSELF through anyone else's eyes but my own. I need to SEE MYSELF and VALUE myself and my skills and talents and abilities of all kinds and ACCEPT myself for AS I AM this very moment...THEN I can decide if there are any abilities that I am ready and willing to use to OVERCOME THE FEAR of indecision; the FEAR of failure or the FEAR of success in my life. 

As abuse survivors, we have learned to doubt ourselves too much. We have been doubted and defined by other's needs. Own thoughts, values and opinions have been discounted and dis-valued. We have endured damage and have decided that we will NO LONGER BE ABUSED...now it is time to stop abusing ourselves by reliving and replaying the abuse of the past. We are NO LONGER THERE. We are HERE and we are MUCH stronger than we think. We have SURVIVED. We have endured and preserved who we are so that we could rebuild our lives. We have "found ourselves" at times and are on the path of "healing from abuse" with great hopes that we will someday "learn to dream again"...and we CAN do it.

What do we have to LOSE??? We have to lose all the negative self-concepts, the negative and misleading self-image and self-expectations. We have to lose FEAR.

You can do it. You are already on the healing path and are ready to "learn to dream again"...go ahead and DARE TO DREAM...you will be surprised at what you will lose by doing so. Think of "this kind of loss" as a necessary step in GAINING YOUR LIFE back!!!

YOU are worth it!!! 

Just ONE thing

Is it time to START AGAIN????

The NEW YEAR is a great time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over again as the song says. It is a time to PUT THE PAST BEHIND US where it belongs and MOVE FORWARD. Let's start with JUST ONE THING...what is ONE thing that you would like for yourself in the next year???


Speaking for myself, and perhaps for other women and men who may feel oppressed; that life has passed them by or they feel so damaged from abuse that knowing which direction to move isn't as big a decision as trying to find the energy to do it, I know that I plan on MOVING FORWARD with WHAT I LOVE this coming year. 2011 was my YEAR TO FIND MY LIFE and 2012 was my YEAR TO HOLD ONTO WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT and so now...2013 is MY YEAR to SHINE!!!

I have been patient with myself and understand that some times, there are periods of "down time". I have had a few "down years" in my life...as a singer/songwriter/performer and writer and organizer of groups, I had two years after my son was born that I "did not do much else" other than raise him. He was a preemie and demanded ALL my time and energy. I can say that HE WAS WORTH IT...and I don't regret giving my time and energy to him. I just "missed being me" during those years while LOVING being his mom.

I have just gone through nearly two more "down years" where I have not actively done some of the things "what I love" as I had hoped but my life CHANGED...dramatically. I found THE life that I have wanted for many years only to put "my life" aside for an even more wonderful life that I had only imagined. I became a stay at home mother for my son and the woman whom has always been loved by my "first love" when we reunited in Feb. 2011. It has been nearly two years since I worked outside the home full time, took care of my own finances and on a sad note, sang with a most wonderful classical chorale. I had sung with them for five years and had enjoyed every rehearsal and performance. It challenged my musicality and allowed me musical outlet and enjoyment. 

I have shared all of this to show that not ALL that is in our past that we must "leave in the past" have been bad things in our lives. I have had to leave some good things IN THE PAST so I could MOVE ON in my life. That is ok.

It is TIME to start again. It IS time to take THIS DAY and not expect less of ourselves anymore. BE all that we can be. Connect with others who love what we love. Enjoy the mundane parts of our lives; knowing that at one time, they might have been our "ideal" and not to resent the moment because it is NOT the past. The past will live in our memory and encourage us to GO and MAKE MORE MEMORIES.

All this is being said by a heart that has loved and lost much in the past two years. It is TIME for me to START AGAIN...Sometimes I feel that I have lived so many different lives and it is time for me to start LIVING A NEW LIFE again...New Year's Day encourages me to START AGAIN... how about you???

You are worth it!!!