How I broke FREE from abuse

Here at
Singing A New Song 
(and on Facebook @SingingANewSong) 

I have focused on sharing the PROCESS of "Finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" and have not forgotten how crucial it is to be able TO IDENTIFY ABUSE and accept its presence in our lives. 

It is ONLY THEN that we will be able to identify the opportunity to STOP BEING ABUSED and start living OUR LIVES in freedom. 

I would like to share some excerpts from a Tool taken from ("The Agreement" from the book, The Verbally Abusive Man by Patricia Evans) that helped me identify the actual words of verbal abuse in speech and written form that I had experienced from my EX abuser of almost 10 years. It was through the help of Patrica's many verbal abuse books and her bulletin board at VerbalAbuse. com that I began to SEE HOW I WAS BEING ABUSED and that is when I started seeing myself as an abuse survivor rather than an abuse victim. 

This four (4) page document and HANDED to my EX abuser who never read it. He was asked to read and sign it with my signature forming an "agreement" between the two of us that there would be NO verbal abuse in our household. He did not acknowledge but DENIED his abuse with the final statement of "I NEVER verbally abused you" (Dec. 2011, we divorced August 2012). 

I hope that you will see, as I had, that we cannot confront our problems until we acknowledge their existence. Denial is the one major coping mechanism that turns into a defense for an abuser's behavior. We, as abuse survivors, do NOT have to accept an abuser's "view" of their behavior. Verbal abuse is WHAT THEY DO, not what they THINK they do. This was addressed TO my ex abuser as an official document: 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  

The following lists (are not exhaustive) are examples of the verbally and emotionally abusive behavior most often seen, heard and experienced within the course of our marriage to date. The sources and affects of verbal and emotional abuse has devastated and scarred us (in our pasts and current marriage) and we must make the conscious and deliberate choice and plan the steps to take that we need to make in order to be healed and healthy; individually and as a couple and family.

*note: You will see how this is written diplomatically and not blaming HIM but bringing the actual behavior to light*

     This will help clarify and identify verbally and emotionally abusive communication; whether intended or unintentional and is not intended to be rules to follow as much as guidelines to live by. We may have times of anger; at ourselves, our situation or even at each other. These can be resolved without resorting and converting back to VA behavior. Counseling will be an ongoing requirement to determine the roots of the irrational behavior exhibited as VA and EA. We must choose to “edify each other rather than tear each other down” with words.

*note: Again, you can see by my writing, that I am looking for a mutual agreement that abuse HAS occurred and in order to have a better marriage, that it must END and this was a tool that would help us "edify each other rather than tear each other down". This was not accepted by him at all. I did not realize AT THE TIME that it was a tool that provided me with the understanding of abuse and a vehicle for my freedom of it than for marital repair. 


Part I  
What we agree NOT to say to each other in either word, email or words on the printed page:  Statements that define the other, as if we KNOW what each other is, thinks, feels, needs, wants, is trying to do, is doing, what you must do, etc are regarded as verbally abusive because they define another person’s reality and perception. This is referred to as “soul or psychic rape” because it invades and defiles the very heart of a person’s perception of reality, themselves, their spouse and life in general. You cannot know for certain what I am thinking, feeling, etc at any time unless you ask and I share the information with you to the best of my knowledge. In other words, we are separate beings and to assume that you “know” any of the above is to take away the individual liberties that God has given to me as an individual and your wife.
       
***For that reason and for the sake of our marriage we will agree to NOT define the other (tell each other what we are) with labels that say that we think we know WHAT each other is in statements such as:

        You are:
            the cause of being hurt or “You are the problem”
            hard to get along with
            a horrible wife/person/husband
        You are “too sensitive”
            irresponsible
            selfish
            a slob
            wrong
       
        You are (doing this):
            acting emotional
            attacking me
            blowing it out of proportion
            getting upset about nothing
            making it up
            overreacting
        You are:
            mad at me


*note: As you can get the feel of this, these are the "YOU statements" that any marriage/relationship counselor will WARN you to STAY AWAY FROM in your verbal communication. This is because a "YOU statement" is actually DEFINING WHO WE ARE by the person saying it to us. THEY THINK or want us to believe that "we ARE" as they see us so that their behavior is justified...or in other words, they want to give us the "reasons" that "we deserve their abuse" but they are likely to say that WE are disrespecting them rather than they are DEFINING who we are...a very common covertly abusive tactic.
             
        You don’t
             Feel that way
             Don’t love me
             Have nothing to cry about
             care about me you only care about yourself

        You need:
              Need other’s attention to make you feel good
              Need to repent for your rebelliousness
              Need to go to therapy
              Need to submit to me
                   
        You:
              Just want to have the last word
              Want to hurt me on purpose
              Want to get the last word
       
        You are trying to:
              Control me
              Get attention
              Turn my children against me
            
       You:                
               Always think I am wrong
               Always turn things around on me
               Consider everyone’s opinion but mine
               Do nothing for me
               Don’t’ work as hard as me
               Interrupt me
               Just won’t let things go
               Make me angry
               Make me want to hit you
               Make me want to hurt you
               Read pop psychology books and latch onto whatever little fad                   
                    appeals to you at the moment.
               Take everything out of context
               Won’t let me talk

        You think:
                I am wrong
               You know best
               You know it all
               You’re always right

*note: Also, the "YOU statement" is a way an abuser attempts to read our minds and tell us what we think and feel also known as "mindreading". My "christian abuser/husband" actually looked at me and SAID "YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOT SUBMISSIVE"...(uh?). This  "proves" to that the abuser that he is "right" in his behavior and the abused (survivor) is "wrong"...but as you can see...things are NOT always as they appear and VERBAL ABUSE can be VERY covert and INSIDIOUS.  

        You don’t know:
               How to take a joke
               what feeling bad really means
               what I meant

        I know:
               you better than you know yourself.

        You MUST:       
              Get over it
              Go to the doctor and get some hormones
              Do what I tell you to do (I am your authority)
              Do it this way
              Do it this way.(my way)
              Submit to me

        You:
                Did it all wrong
                Did it on purpose
       
*note: VERBAL ABUSE is usually VERY CRITICAL...telling the abuse survivor that he/she that whatever is being criticized, is "not good enough". What makes Verbal Abuse so insidious, is that though we hear "I did not DO good enough", we are very likely to FEEL and perhaps think, "I am NOT enough". 


        You can’t:
                Do anything right
              
        You are responsible:
                It’s your fault if you’re hurt’ (you choose to feel hurt by what I said)
                You deserve how I treat you.
       
        You take things:
               Too seriously  
               Too personally
       
        You get:
              What you deserve

        You have:
              To have the last word
              A problem

        You don’t have:
              A sense of humor

        Your perception is wrong:
              You don’t have the right to blame me for how you feel

*note: This type of Verbal Abuse is referred to as DISCOUNTING (yes, it is VERY disrespectful, demeaning and defining as well) to the point that "what we think is not considered by the abuser"...as though our very thoughts and opinions are DISCOUNTED. I was actually told "YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED THE WAY THAT YOU TREAT ME"...this can fall into the PROJECTION: imagining or projecting the belief (of the abuser) are originated by others.


This comprised of the Introduction and PART ONE (and second largest part) of FIVE parts of "The Agreement" that I look forward to sharing with you. I hope that these examples will help you identify Verbal Abuse in your life and that you will "break free" from it as I did...

YOU are WORTH it!!! 

His high endeavors are an inward light
That makes the path before him always bright.
~William Wordsworth