Time Is What Prevents Everything From Happening At Once.." - John Wheeler

Life is divided into three terms - 

that which was, which is, and which will be. 

Let us learn from the past to profit by the present, 

and from the present, to live better in the future.

William Wordsworth

Time is nothing more than an illusion; an invention of the human mind that keeps all things from happening at once. We celebrate an illusionary passing of time; a division of one era or period of our lives with the anticipation of greater possibilities for happiness.

Time Is What Prevents Everything From Happening At Once

 John Wheeler (1911-2008)

I feel that I have lived many "periods" or "epochs" in my lifetime. My young childhood, teen years, young adult, young married, moderately young single again without children, married with step child and then child of my own, single with child and rediscovering the depths of my person through the many tragedies that I allowed myself to experience at the hand of those who didn't even care for himself; let alone anyone else. In all of this, I have learned to practice good self care and I have grown. I am happy. I am at peace. I am ME and that is all that I have ever truly wanted to be.

Time has been fleeting and as I reminisce upon this past year; with all of the many opportunities for growth; I realize that the greatest blessings have come from the greatest disappointments. I have not left anything or anyone behind. There is no one and nothing that I am looking back to find or regain. What is gone is gone forever and I am at peace. I have lost both parents to death in the past 3 years. I have gained so much more than I ever could have imagined.

I have finally learned to let go of the past but still hold onto the lessons that I have learned and glean its wisdom. I have come to accept the present; however unexpected or even unwelcome but realize that it is merely but a stepping stone to my future and I may tolerate or endure for a night but as the scripture says "but JOY comes in the morning".

Through many years of mental, verbal and emotional abuse; I realize NOW that I did not deserve that treatment and I did not bring it upon myself. I have LOVED. I am guilty of loving a person who was not worthy of my love. I still loved and I do not regret it. I will never regret loving; only choosing the object of my love to be so sorely unworthy of it. Anyways, out of it came a wonderful blessing...a son who brings me great joy.

As you reflect upon your past year, remember that it is in the PAST and that what has passed has passed for a reason...Leave it there. Enjoy the present; whatever time that you are reading this; make a note in your mind and heart that THIS is my life; this moment, and cherish it. Look to your future with hope. Hope of who you are becoming and what you are contributing to this world. YOU are the only YOU that there will ever be and YOU are the best at being YOU. No one else can do it. However silly all of this sounds, I hope you sense the profound truths that it brings forth and find hope in this message.

Wishing you a wonderful 2015. It is bound to be the BEST yet!!!!

D

Your friend and Singing a New Song Administrator
Denise <3 nbsp="" td="">

Just for you

Thank YOU, Singing a New Song friend, for coming to visit, read, be encouraged, allow me to share an insightful moment with you here at Singing a New Song blog. I apologize for being so far behind in posting; and even with no posts; we have received over 1,000 hits this month and an average of almost 4,000 hits each month! Other Singing a New Song friends are from many parts of the world: The U.S.A., Russia, UK, Canada, India, Austrailia, Germany, China, Ukraine, Phillipines and many, many more. I have personally met so many of you; via blog, FB page, email, phone and even many in person. It is my pleasure to meet with others who are self aware, intelligent and compassionate. I love to talk about personal growth with others who are on their healing journey of "finding themselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

Our focus for this blog and FB page of the same name, is just this:

 YOU. 

YOU are important. Not the person who is criticizing you for reading a self help book. Not the person who puts you down, calls you names and so hatefully (toward themselves if you ask me) use you and then blame you for abusing them. NO, this is about all about YOU, the survivor of abuse. Your concerns, your pains, your joys and your victories. You have endured a LOT and you are growing stronger and able to accept more truth into your life that will certainly SET YOU FREE from other's expectations, demands and controlling behavior.

I have just recently learned that those whom we have termed "abusers" don't like to be called that. For example: I have heard it say to me and of me, "you're abusing me" when I have set a boundary and said "NO" to abuse. We have every right to SAY NO if we want to and mean it. We do not have to give into abuse; not even if there is a "reason" for it like mental illness. It is still ABUSE. 

I think that most abuse survivors can relate to this...haven't we all heard that...when we show our pain, they turn it around and blame us for their pain...Their projection and denial will not allow us to be heard. Abuse is NOT ABOUT US...it is the projection of a twisted, wretched, tormented mind and heart to the nearest person to them; usually the most loving, understanding and compassionate who have dared to love them. THAT is how abuse occurs and why it perpetuates.

Oh, I understand that some of who we have called abusers are actually suffering from mental illness (and you can't even breathe the thought around them, they will vehemently fight tooth and nail to refute it) and will even accuse us of having mental illness...

By the way; mental illness is not something that should be blamed on anyone. It is not a title that anyone should ever be called. It is a MENTAL ILLNESS; only differentiated from physical illness because of the need to HIDE it due to the Stigma of Mental Illness and lack of knowledge of Mental Health. Too many "walking wounded" are in our society; hiding their secret pain, their secret shame. Only those of us who have dared to draw close to them; drawn by whatever 

They take no responsibility for their behavior and give no reasonable explanation of why they behave as they do. So, does knowing this make our pain or suffering or abuse from them any less or different? No.

SO, if an "abusive" person is really not an abuser or mentally ill...then WHY does their behavior NOT CHANGE when we kindly ask them to respect us and stop their name calling, discounting, dismissing and controlling behavior???

Seems to me that they don't care what they do to us;
but they don't want to "see themselves" as being BAD. Bad IS as Bad DOES. I can look back and say that I was stupid for getting involved, loving or trusting him but then again, I can forgive myself for "stupid". How does a bad person forgive themselves and ask for other's forgiveness??? They don't. That's the problem. 

We deserve to take good care of ourselves; because in this life, as evident in mine with two such persons, there are people who do NOT care about us...they do NOT want to love or treat us respectfully. I would go so far to say that they do NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE and don't deserve our love. They are "users" at the least and abusers and not worth our time. 

It is a GREAT time to take good care of ourselves; no one is going to do it for us.

The Gift

When you lose something in your life, stop thinking it's a loss for you...

it is a GIFT you have been given 

so you can get on the right path 

to where you are meant to go, 

not to where you think you should have gone.

~ Suze Orman ~

Have you embraced LOSS in your life? I have. I have welcomed loss and embraced the greater opportunities that I NOW have after having "received loss" in my life. It sounds like a contradiction in terms or paradox but we CAN receive loss...and I have received many losses and view them in my life as a GIFT.

I lost both parents to death; 15 months apart. They had lived full lives and I had the privilege of caring for them for the majority of the last 5 years of their lives as their health declined and lives came to an end. I am so thankful to have had good parents. I miss them of course, but I realize that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". In some strange way, this thought brings me much consolation and peace.

I have known, loved and lost to death several wonderful people of note in my life. Family members: My Grandmother, Great Uncles, Aunts and cousins. Neighbors: Mrs. Breyer's; the first Akron Police Deparment woman officer. Richard "Pa" Weldon; a beloved school choir director, church choral director and friend. Papa Max. An Lithuanian Holocaust Survivor; a very intelligent and loving man. Jeri Rhinehart. My music friend and opera aficionado whom I enjoyed watching and attending operas. There are so many others but these are at the TOP of my all important people in my life whom I have lost to death. I have been so blessed to have known these dear people of substance and authenticity. They ADDED so much to my life. I have to smile when I think of them; sometimes with an appreciative tear in my eye for all the beauty and love they brought to my life.

I have had several wonderful pets including several dogs, a few of them were just puppies, and even a feline and a few feathered friends. I will hold wonderful memories of fun in the sun at the dog park, providing dance music for my bird friends, and having the ability to nurturing an older "scaredy" cat who had been so neglected. I love animals and so appreciate having them in my life. The ones who may still remain alive, have lost a mother in many ways and the love of a special child who truly cared for them. I enjoyed making "Frosty Paw" treats and treating kitty to some "kitty pot". My most wonderful memory of a feathered friend occurred only a few days before my departure. A beautiful Blue and Gold Macaw, quite bright and supposedly a "one person" bird; blessed me with the privilege of allowing me to take her out of her cage without any attempt to bite or peck at me. She sat sweetly and happily on my hand without climbing up on my shoulder in a dominating stance then allowed me to pet her and kiss her on the beak before returning her to her cage. I supposed she had "made me her person". 

I have had so many valuable; albeit many more of sentimental rather than monetary valued possessions. I can say that I think that I have given away more of my belongings that what I have owned; which sounds absurd but that is certainly how it has felt. Maybe I wasn't their owner but perhaps I was just borrowing them for a time. They are all just things and I don't hold onto things or people if they don't ADD something to my life. 

I have not accumulated or hoarded things as a recluse or one who needs the security of things to have some peace in life. I have found peace in letting go of things. I have FREED myself from the prison of wanting something that I no longer own or enjoy. I do not have to "have them" to be happy. I am very happy and will continue to be happy without them...the things and persons will forever remain in my past. They are no longer a part of my life. I can SMILE about that. I have enjoyed them and let them go. 

I am free to embrace the moment; enjoy each day with new relationships; love, interests and hobbies that provide many more wonderful memories. 
As far as looking somewhere over the rainbow for happiness; I have found that I feel much like Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz who said: 

"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, 

I won't look any further than my own back yard. 

Because if it isn't there, 

I never really lost it to begin with! 

Is that right? "

Maybe like me, you will hopefully discover that YOU are the person whom someone else has LOST due to neglect, abuse, unloving behavior who was a person who just wasn't worthy of you in their lives. 

Those who are worthy of your love, 

will keep and honor your love, 

not lose it. 

We may feel that we were foolish for loving or trusting something that was taken from us when actually, we are the most blessed people of them all.  But really, they DON'T MATTER TO US anymore. We are free to focus on things and persons who bring WORTH and JOY into our lives. We can be happy with ourselves even if we lose everything and everyone who once meant anything to us.... The ONLY thing that we truly need is ourselves.

We may feel that we have lost so much in our lives but We HAVE SO MUCH MORE than we have ever lost. Just hold onto memories that bring you joy; the rest doesn't matter at all. 
You have yourself, the GREATEST GIFT that anyone can have.

When saying NO is saying yes...

IF 

a person doesn't want to stop abusive behaviors, 

that is up to them...

If we want to stop being abused,

that is up to us.

Sometimes I have wondered if I took the long path to understand what abuse was all about because I realized that I might have been "conditioned" to accept it as a child. You know those things that parents of our generation said "Play with little Chrissy, she doesn't have any friends" and you responded "I don't want to play with her, she is mean and that is why she doesn't have any friends"...and then my mom would reply. "Play with her anyways". I loved my mom but I realized several years ago that her insistence that I should be "the kind one" was really setting me up for being abused by others. I felt that "saying NO" was being disobedient to my parents. It was not being a nice person. This is one way that we can be conditioned to accept abuse in our lives.

After many years, of loving a person with a severe personality disorder and high IQ and after a "friendly" but not truly loving marriage with my first husband, I was nearly 40 years old before I recognized verbal abuse. I thought that it was just disrespectful speaking and did not see the pattern of abuse forming. From verbal and emotional abuse came spiritual, psychological, and financial abuse. It was nearly full-blown control and disrespect of me as a person before I called it "abuse". 

This was now, about 16 years ago. Being married to a Christian at the time, was the complicating issue for me. (I have written about this several times; check abuse and Christian marriage labels on this blog for more posts). I felt that saying NO made me "not a good Christian woman and wife". This myth perpetuated for nearly 7 more years before my NO came forth freely and confidently, whether or not it was heard. It seemed that he just would not take my NO for an answer. 

Bullies want to abuse you. 

Instead of allowing that, you can use them as your personal motivators. 

Power up and let the bully eat your dust.

~ Nick Vujicic ~ 

When we SAY NO to abuse; we are really are speaking to ourselves. We are saying "I will not allow myself to subject myself to anyone or anything that will speak so disrespectfully to me". It is "setting a boundary" with ourselves first...and then when we SAY NO, we know that we mean it, we know what we deserve (respect) and we expect it to stop or we will be prepared to leave the presence of the person who will not take NO for an answer.

Saying NO doesn't mean anything to a bully. Oh, it may tell them that they have to work a little harder to control or manipulate us. We are no longer the pushover to whom they have become accustomed. We must tell ourselves that we will no longer entertain abuse. We can say NO to abuse and mean it. Though we can not stop them from acting abusively, we can stop ourselves from being abuse by saying NO and walking away.

One very important thing to remember: Saying NO doesn't make us a bad person...not at all. It tells others that we are finally thinking of ourselves for a change. We are not being the selfish one. Matter of fact, anyone who doesn't kindly take our "NO" without a quarrel, IS being selfish and abusive.


Say NO to abuse, YOU are worth it!!!

Saying NO doesn't mean that they will listen

IF a person doesn't want to stop abusive behaviors, that is up to them...

If we want to stop being abused,

that is up to us.

Sometimes I have wondered if I took the long path to understanding what abuse was all about because I felt that I was "conditioned" to accept it as a child. You know those things that parents of our generation said "Play with little Chrissy, she doesn't have any friends" and you responded "I don't want to play with her, she is mean and that is why she doesn't have any friends"...and then my mom would reply. "Play with her anyways". I loved my mom but I realized several years ago that her insistence that I be "the kind one" was really setting me up for being abused by others. I felt that "saying NO" was being disobedient to my parents. It was not being a nice person. This is one way that we can be conditioned to accept abuse in our lives.

After many years, of loving a person with a severe personality disorder and high IQ and after a "friendly" but not truly loving marriage with my first husband, I was nearly 40 years old before I recognized verbal abuse. I thought that it was just disrespectful speaking and did not see the pattern of abuse forming. From verbal and emotional abuse came spiritual, psychological and financial abuse. It was nearly full blown control and disrespect of me as a person before I called it "abuse". This was just about seven years ago. Being married to a christian at the time, was the conmplicating issue for me. (I have written about this several times; check abuse and christian marriage labels on this blog for more posts). I felt that saying NO made me "not a good christian woman and wife". This myth perpetuated for nearly 7 more years before my NO; whether or not it was heard by my abuser, was said and followed. Saying NO doesn't mean that they will listen. It means that we will NO LONGER allow ourselves to be treated that way; sometimes this means leaving our abuse. This is usually what is needed. They don't lightly take NO for an answer.

Bullies want to abuse you. Instead of allowing that, 

you can use them as your personal motivators. 

Power up and let the bully eat your dust.

~ Nick Vujicic ~ 

When we SAY NO to abuse; we are really are speaking to ourselves. We are saying "I will not allow myself to subject myself to anyone or anything that will speak so disrespectfully to me". It is "setting a boundary" with ourselves FIRST....and then when we SAY NO, we know that we mean it, we know what we deserve (respect) and we expect it to stop OR we will be prepared to leave the presence of the person who will not take NO for an answer.

Saying NO doesn't mean anything to a bully. Oh, it may tell them that they have to work a little harder to control or manipulate us. We are no longer the push over that they have become accustomed. We must tell OURSELVES that we will no longer entertain abuse. We can say NO to abuse and mean it. We can not stop them from abusing them but we CAN stop ourselves from being abuse by saying NO and walking away.

One very important thing to remember: Saying NO doesn't make us a bad person...not at all. It tells others that we are finally thinking of ourselves for a change. We are not the selfish ones. Matter of fact, anyone who doesn't kindly take our "NO" without a quarrel, IS being selfish and abusive.


Say NO to abuse, YOU are worth it!!!

Obstacle or Opportunity?

Thomas Alva Edison didn't stop to think that he would discover thousands of ways to NOT invent the light bulb when he started. He just refused to see one little "un success" as being a failure or obstacle when the opportunity was clear and ahead of him.

I have not failed. 

I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas Alva Edison 

I had the opportunity, many years ago, of visiting Thomas Alva Edison's Winter Estate (summer home) in Fort Myers, Florida. I was awestruck by the number of "failures" that he endured before each success. It seemed that success didn't come easy to him, failures were exorbitant and that he did not let his failures dissuade him from inventing the wonderful things that we take so much for granted today. He seemed to realize that every success is paid for by many failures and that one failure didn't mean the end of his vision; it meant only "one way that it didn't work".

I would like to me more like Thomas Alva Edison. I wish that our lives was not filled with the weight of failure but the hope that we are one step closer to succeeding and have found one way "that it doesn't work". Relationships are like this also. We can try many ways to "reach" a loved one and if they are suffering from a mental illness; especially Borderline Personality Disorder, we may discover that there are many more ways to fail that we ever have believed because it seems, that there is no way to succeed in carrying a relationship with someone who is not able or capable of providing their healthy half.

So is mental illness the obstacle or the opportunity? Yes. It is an obstacle. If you expected an healthy relationship whether romantic love or familial connection with a person who suffers from mental illness; you are bound to be disappointed and find that it has become an obstacle in your life and in the life of the one you love.

However, there is a little thing called "acceptance" that can turn that obstacle into an opportunity. IF your mentally ill loved one can see clear to believe that they are suffering from mental illness without the horrible stigma that society perpetuates upon it, and accept a healing journey of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy is therapy designed to help people change patterns of behavior that are not effective, such as self-harm, suicidal thinking and substance abuse. This approach works towards helping people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings and behaviors that lead to the undesired behavior. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy), then you have just seen an obstacle turn into an opportunity.

Whenever I hear or think of the words "opportunity" or "dream"...I am reminded of this quote of Thomas Edison's. I remind myself that failure will proceed success. Rarely do we succeed the very first time. That is not usually skill but possibly luck and nothing that we can count on or duplicate. Failure doesn't have to the obstacle in "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". We have put way too much importance on "doing things right". I give you permission to make a mistake and learn from it and not judge yourself for "not getting it right" the first time. It is unrealistic to believe that anyways; why not allow ourselves to see obstacles as opportunities.

Get back to the basics

Singing a New Song

began as a vehicle used to speak out against spiritual abuse/domestic abuse in the christian marriage. 

Religion has been and remains the most commonly used vehicle for abuse. 

Abuse is insidious. As a christian, I strongly believed that "a christian man would NEVER abuse his wife". While I still believe this to be partly true, I also have experienced how the concepts we believe and the religious dogma we embrace can set us up as victims of religious abuse. 

I was a very active christian many years before I met my son's father. I had been very involved in serving in the church in worship leading, teaching, prayer, conference planning and program developing and coordinating. I love people and had found a wonderful niche for my creative and musical outlets. I had a wonderful life serving the Lord and enjoying my "family". 

When we are "in church" (christian church that is) we tend to assume that most everyone there is a christian. They have come to worship God with us and we have much more in common than we may have dividing or distinguishing us from each other. Looking back on it, I see this assumption as part of our need to BELONG. We all feel a deep need to "belong somewhere" or "to someone". Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs shows a pyramid of needs that places BELONGING just about physiological and safety needs: including within it: friendship, family and sexual intimacy. These are very BASIC needs.

I didn't understand my needs at the time and how religion has fulfilled the bottom three level on this Needs scale but I realized that it has played a significant supporting role in the next level of needs: ESTEEM.

As much as I had trusted God, I now realize that I had trusted man too much and my ability to discern intent of others and interpret behavior within marriage too little. I was in the worship team the day my ex husband and his daughter walked into the church that I had so joyfully served. Only a few brief months of courtship and 19 months later, confusion nd frustration began filling our home when my then christian husband seemed to be "unhappy" with me while I was pregnant with our now 13 year old son. He became critical, unloving, biting, harsh in his speech and manner and even so demanding that I "behave as a christian woman should" that I was reluctant to share my feelings and thoughts of my difficulty in the pregnancy. He said "you have changed, I am still the same". He later called me "contentious" and "disobedient" and even said in later years..."when you disobey ME, you disobey God". 

Now, as I look upon this, I can see that this is just abusive, manipulative behavior. NOT christian at all. But I had believed and continued to want to believe that he was truly a very good christian but yet experienced deeply disturbing cognitive dissonance over this. HOW can a christian man be so callous, unloving, demanding and even abusive??? I studied the Bible more, scouring it for wisdom and understanding on how I should view my new christian husband's behavior in light of feeling abused. I then found a few books on abuse by christian authors: (Jan Silvious's book: Fool Proofing your life and Leslie Vernick's book "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship") and I realized that "not all that glitters, is not gold" or "just because he says he is a christian, appears to act like a christian, seems to believe as a christian believes, doesn't mean that he is not or cannot be an abuser". 

This was a VERY harsh reality for me to accept. I didn't want to believe that what I had held as principles and concepts of virtue that I had held dearly would be so twisted in attempts to control, manipulate, discredit, demean, discount and disrespect me...after all, he was a christian. A christian man would not abuse. THIS WAS A FALSE PREMISE, a VERY untrue assumption that kept me in an abusive marriage for may years 8 years beyond my initial revelation that I was being abused by my christian husband.

Patricia Evan's books; mainly "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak out" and "Contolling People" where too books; disdainfully shun and severely criticized by my then "christian husband" as being "not of God" and I was not only "admonished" to not read them but to "only read the Bible" and "listen and obey" him. He was "my head". I was just a woman. At one time, I "misplaced" the book, "Controlling People" twice...I had to buy new copies. I believe that he had thrown them away in attempts to dissuade me from reading them and awakening to HIS ABUSE OF ME in this "christian marriage". 

I found the book, "The Gaslight Effect" by Dr. Robin Stern. It was another "forbidden" book but by that time, I had separated from him, taking our then 8 year old son to live apart from him and his daughter. 

I share all of this to caution all those who hold onto a belief system and seek to find others who believe as you do to form the security of friendship, family and sexual intimacy that there are "wolves wearing sheep's clothing" among those who call themselves christians...and they CAN and DO use religion to ABUSE and control their victims.

Setting Boundaries: REAL LIFE STORY

What do you do to STOP abuse???

The truth is: we cannot really STOP abuse, BUT WE CAN 

STOP OURSELVES 

FROM BEING ABUSED...

This is MY JOURNEY of setting BOUNDARIES with an ABUSER*. The only problem with boundaries, not experienced by us but by our abusers, is they, like us, are not respected. Abusers cannot TAKE "NO" for answer"...

Watch the progression of BOUNDARIES that one very incessantly controlling man, father and ex husband has abused and NO LONGER HAS PRIVILEGE of using:

IN PERSON:
We moved out of Ohio and closer to our family in NC...
does this tell you anything???

PHONE:
I have had a personal experience of an abusive ex husband whom I must have "some" contact because we have a child together. I have custody of same child and was told "F YOU" over a speaker phone in my son's hearing (he was VERY upset with his dad for being so belligerent; and all because I had mentioned that HE HAD FAILED to tell me about a visitation with another family member and told my son NOT to tell me)
SO...I set a boundary: the PHONE would no longer be abused (and neither would I) and I would no longer "talk with him" (or listen to him since he does NOT hear me at all, ever...I think there is some mental illness but don't know for sure, he may just be a controlling abuser) ...
EMAIL was his mode to "talk sensibly" and "reason with me" and provide a "workable solution" regarding visitation travel...(read on)

EMAIL:
From 2002-2009, I received seven years of "poison pen" letters at my work email. Mainly spiritual abuse; "showing me" how I was supposedly not being a "godly woman" in saying "no" to essentially, his abuse of me...He said that "Jesus would speak that way to me"...(really????) He was told to STOP sending lengthy, abusive emails and he continued to do so. He would not accept my "NO"...so I blocked him (I was married and living with him at the time) and would not receive any more until 2009 when we separated and I wanted to have email contact with my son while at his father's house for visitation. Twists and turns of spinning his web of lies and cover up for HIS failure to agree to and keep a visitation drop off was clearly abusive. Mind boggling. Not workable at all. I told him that he has "lost the privilege" of using email system and that I would not respond, receive or reply to any of his emails.
SO...I set a boundary: Email would no longer be abused and
TEXTING would be his ONLY electronic media to communicate with me...
The Court would not permit this behavior and I do NOT have to endure it.

TEXT MESSAGING:
The last vestige of electronic media that he had not yet abused, to be used ONLY to provide communication of constructive and productive information, reasonable and respectful conversation, and a "workable solution" to the visitation problem (He rejected my offer of drop off of our son to him on Saturday, he "could not do it" and demanded that I bring him on Sunday, I was bearing the burden, nearly 3/4 of the total travel .
I was thinking that it would be less likely to be abused due to that it might be:
1) less comfortable
2) less convenient
3) not as quick
4) show him how obsessed he is with "getting the last word"
5) I CAN COPY AND SAVE text messages as evidence in court...(which he may think is not possible and thus allow him to verbally abuse me AND have record of it)

But in his USUAL ABUSER FASHION, he abused text messaging within 14 hours...
SO...I set a boundary: the text message system would no longer be available to him. I do not have to endure his incessant ranting and railing like a child having a tantrum.
SNAIL MAIL: is his ONLY mode of communication with me, he may still call and speak to his son but his ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR will NOT be tolerated on "my electronic media" (he does not pay for it even).

But as usual with abusers, they will NOT stop abusing,

WE MUST STOP RECEIVING THE ABUSE...

He will continue to be abusive but he will I will NOT receive it any longer.

Abusers don't have any common sense. His thinking that he can get away with this is then to accuse me of not communicating with him...this is ABUSE. I do NOT have to tolerate it. If he has something productive, workable and reasonable to suggest to me. If he cannot learn to communication respectfully, I will cut him off and present this case in court.

ABUSERS ARE LOSERS. THAT my friend, is how to set boundaries and NOT receive abuse.

*This insidious brand of Abuser may be more commonly identified by the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder that his severe, abusive and controlling symptoms describe. This kind of abuser seems to believe that he is right, everyone else is wrong, he is good no matter how abusive he is told that he is being perceived. Insidious. Abuse. 

Today's blog entry is dedicated to Sterling...a new friend whom I met at the library today...we talked about her reading Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries" and I realized that I had started this blog entry this morning, scheduled to post. 

Are you ready????

I have heard, time and time again, someone say 

"I will do it when I am ready". 

Really? 

Do we really believe 

that by making that statement 

that we will EVER REALLY 

be ready?

In preparing for a test, writing a college paper or report, learning to sky dive or competing in sports or the arts, even after all our our dedicated hard work and effort, do we ever really feel that we "are ready?"

Being READY all hinges upon how confident we are in any area. If we are willing to START accepting ourselves, loving ourselves and being patient with ourselves, we may see that we might not KNOW ourselves as well as we think we do. We do not "have to be ready" to know ourselves more...we just have to WORK at KNOWING OURSELVES more.

How about HEALING? The kind of healing that our minds and souls need to fully function in this world. The kind of healing that we need to have an healthy self concept, self respect and aspirations to live life "wildly, fully and freely and over the top". Do we really "need to be ready" to START find out the things that NEED our attention in our lives?

How about woundedness and pain of abuse? Painful memories, flashbacks and fearful images that block out any possibility of happiness. Aren't we READY for them to be confronted, identified, and given what they need to become part of an healthy life? We may have said to ourselves, excusing our attention to our own pain, "I just wasn't ready to face it". Are we EVER really ready to face the deepest and darkest part of our soul? How about the part that we deny even to ourselves though others may easily see? Aren't we READY to let go of the pain, learn from it and become stronger because of it?

How about DREAMING? When was the last time you spoke of a DREAM that you have had? I know that until I had "found myself and healed from abuse", at least to about an 80% point, that I was not dreaming. I didn't see it as a possibility. It was merely an exercise in futility and waste of imagination to dream of things that I KNEW could not possibly come true. Did I feel ready to dream? No. But as I was along my healing journey, I began to experience my dreams rising to the surface, breaking through the sludge and mire of my life; surfacing to breathe deeply of the fresh air and light of self knowledge and healing...The things that were most important to me, would no longer stay hidden. I no longer denied that dream as being REAL. I knew that I "just had to" find out if what I had believed to be true, WAS true...I didn't stop to ask myself "am I ready to do this?". I never even gave it a thought. I learned that there is something special about the heart's desires. What the heart wants, it is ready to receive.

There is no better time to ENJOY YOUR LIFE than right now. Don't ask yourself "Am I ready?"...by the time that you ask that of yourself, you have been making progress on the healing road of "finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". There is no time to waste.

If you have loved and lost...

"'Tis better to have loved and lost 
than never to have loved at all." 

- Alfred Lord Tennyson




I have loved. I have continued to love. I will continue to love; no matter how much I have lost. I have taken refuge, comfort and consolation in Tennyson's famous quote: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." It reminds me that NO MATTER WHAT I have lost; I have not lost "love". I may have lost the subject, the person whom I loved, or may have lost them "for a time" but I have not lost LOVE. I do NOT REGRET LOVING no matter how painful that it had become to LOSE that one whom I loved.

Most of us have parents. Some of us even had good parents. Upright mother and father; maybe a bit quirky and not so perfect, but loving, providential and respectable. They may not have done everything right but we are thankful, like so many others, that they did not do everything wrong. I have enjoyed my parents who are both "gone" now. Today would have been my father's 90th birthday (Mom would have been 91 this coming January 18th). I miss them terribly but I don't regret anything that I did for them out of love. I regret nothing and am thankful for so much. 

I lost a child to stillbirth. That is really a loss that no one can prepare a woman to endure. That lose included the loss of my dreams. The loss of being a mother to a daughter of my own. I was going to name her Mikaela Rose (my family name as her middle name) and she was expected to be beautiful. A mixed and conflicting feeling overcame me as I learned that the child whose heartbeat had stopped just a few hours before, was a boy. A beautiful boy, I later found out after I "gave birth" to this precious child. My dreams of being a mom of another boy or girl of my own evaporated into a fog of sorrow and "loss". 

I have lost a love...one that I thought was "the one". One whom I had loved most of my life. I had lost him to mental illness. He was unable to "find himself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Maybe, it was during this time, that I realized the value of "Singing a New Song" for so many people who did not suffer from mental illness. Unlike a person who suffers from mental illness, one who has suffered mind bending, heart wrenching and soul crushing mental illness and was beaten with verbal and emotional abuse has HOPE for healing, health and wholeness. The loss of that love reminds me of an "eternal loss" as I promised that "I would not return to him...again". I loved him deeply and I am so glad that I had some opportunity to share my love for him, with him. It was a love that mental illness stole from both of us. I don't know which is worse: having lost it or having it stolen from you. I still do not regret loving him and never will. 

Never, ever regret loving someone. Even if it is someone who did not deserve your love. You have LOVED and that is the most wonderful, the most valuable power on the face of the earth that dwells within the human heart. 

Love til it doesn't hurt

A loving person that has endured abuse and mistreatment perhaps due to what we thought was "naivete" was really because we "loved til it hurt". You will find yourself BEYOND hurt and into a place of REAL LOVE in your life; no matter who has hurt you or how badly life has treated you...
when WE LOVE, we win. 

Many of us who have suffered abuse in our lives. We have endured the horrible disrespectful speech and behavior of another person have loved until it HURT and we continued to love through the hurt because either we held a religious belief that "we had to love the unloving" or because we might have thought less of ourselves for not forgiving them for their behavior toward us. We suffered in loving them, not as much for them as we need to "love until it hurt and then some" to prove something to ourselves.  Once we realize that love is NOT intended to hurt and that we don't have to be hurt to love or be loved; then we will be just beginning our healing journey of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

Are you willing to keep loving even if it keeps hurting? We all have that choice to make. No one is making us take the abuse from another person for the "sake of love" but ourselves. I see it this way...I loved a mentally ill man...very much, but I chose, over time with the help of his abusive behavior to stop loving him and stop wanting to be with him.

Abuse doesn't deserve our understanding; it deserves our absence.

We are worth it!!! 

Are you tired of being broken?

Broken Toys
As children bring their broken toys,
With tears, for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend.

But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go...."
author unknown

Sometime we are NOT like the child in the story; we do not acknowledge our brokenness. Not to anyone else and not even to ourselves. We carry it around with us; like a doll with a missing arm; we feel the pain but won't admit that we need some fixing. 

And then once we do admit our brokenness to ourselves, the areas in our lives that have endured abuse, suffered wounds and even been stunted in growth and healing, we tend to try to hide it from others. We don't "let go" of our pain to trust someone else to help us through the healing process. It is painful. We have problems  trusting others because so many have proven untrustworthy in our lives and we don't want to "let anyone in" to see the mess that we live with daily. 

Sometimes, we may trust and believe that God or a doctor or family member are able and willing to help us; but then again, do we trust and "let go" of the pain so that we can be healed and made whole again. We do not have to live lives of brokenness.  We can "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again"...and this healing journey begins by ADMITTING THAT WE ARE WORTH IT...and that any brokenness that we will acknowledge CAN be healed.

Try it...admit your pain and you will find your brokenness. You are not "less of " a person but will become a whole hearted and healed person as soon as you make ONE STEP on this healing journey. 

YOU can do it. YOU are worth it!!!

Have you FOUND yourself???

What 

is 

YOUR VISION 

for your life????

Do you remember the High School Social Studies or Language Arts (in my case it was "Human Relations" with Dr. Mac) class where you had to write an essay on "What I see for myself in 5 years"??? I remember mine and I STILL HAVE IT. I just saw it the other day and was surprised to see that 35 years after my High School graduation that I am ALMOST to where I envisioned myself to be now when I was only 17!!!

I wish that I would have understood some of the wonderful tools; like personality typing and other self-evaluating tools that have scientifically allowed us to "peer inside" ourselves just by answering a few questions.

I challenge that you FIND YOURSELF today; if you do not know your Jung (Carl; that is) Personality Type, then I encourage you to TAKE A QUICK ONLINE TEST NOW...
Jung Typology Test™ 
CHALLENGE yourself to "learn more about yourself" today. I am glad that I did.

Jung Typology Test™

This free test is based on Carl Jung’s and Isabel Briggs Myers’ typological approach to personality *. Upon completion of the questionnaire, you will: Obtain your 4-letter type formula according to Carl Jung’s and Isabel Briggs Myers’ typology, along with the strengths of preferences and the description of your personality type Discover careers and occupations most suitable for your personality type along with examples of educational institutions where you can get a relevant degree or training See which famous personalities share your type....and much, much more.