“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ― Joseph Campbell

Like many others, I have been on a healing journey from abuse for many years. After having lived through years of  dysfunction in my family of origin and then an abusive "Christian" marriage I have courageously explored my own heart, soul and mind in a very deep personal search for greater understanding and healing.  More recently, after I finally realized that I was STILL not living the life that I had planned; I was shocked into reality and had to make a choice. I chose to start living the life that I had ONLY dreamt of. I chose to dream and NOT let go of my dreams ever again.


As Joseph Campbell was quoted to have said: I had to "be willing to let go of the life I had planned" to HAVE the life that WAS WAITING for me.

Finding Joe (the movie trailer on Youtube)

After becoming a Christian in 1985, I thought that "my plans" for my life would include some calling from God to sing and minister and write songs, perform and record for "the Kingdom". I asked God in prayer to allow me to marry "for the sake of ministry" (meaning also to have a child) including "church ministry" as I had previously done with my first husband. Being that I was a very strong christian, I felt that this was the ONLY path for my life; it WAS my life. That was until I began to understand the the christian man that I had married (and just recently divorced) was personality disordered, abusive and "just plain not nice". There were several well-meaning Christian friends who had NO idea nor understanding of domestic or "spiritual" abuse who "admonished" me to stay with him and "serve him as Christ would". 

I first understood that the very disrespectful, demeaning and discounting behavior of my ex husband was not only verbal abuse but covert emotional abuse and spiritual abuse in the first three years after marriage. He constantly used "church doctrine" and elements of blame and shame to control and "put me down" so he could "be (my) spiritual head". I was demeaned to the point of depression and after the loss of a stillborn boy child, I realized that this "Christian man's" behavior was abusive and not Christlike by any stretch of the imagination. He would neither submit nor "be accountable" to any authority; no church, pastor or counselor. I spent years in counseling in order to try to adapt to plaguing depression and despair.

Regarding my faith, some might say that I have been "disillusioned" by his abuse and no longer having these goals and wanting to "take part" in religious activities is due to having been in an abusive marriage; but it is SO much more than that. It seemed that I was holding onto a religious expression because that was all that I thought "was me" during the abuse. It was the one thing that could NOT be taken from me although it was constantly attacked and it seemed that every step was taken to control me and my gift (from God) for his own personal gain. I was sickened to realize that he was NOT only NOT a Christian, but an abuser. My plans definitely changed.

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track 

that has been there all the while, waiting for you, 

and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. 

Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, 

and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.”

― Joseph Campbell

I thought that I HAD BEEN following "my bliss" but I realize now that it was NOT my first choice. My bliss, which I now define as "being free to be me" HAD been realized with my first Love in the 80's. I was only hiding from myself while I was "being a christian", hiding from the REAL me that had known and loved and been loved by my Love.

"I have been loved"
Jane Eyre

I realize that the love and bliss that I had been hiding FROM; I had to learn to live without until this past February. There were obstacles as with all true love stories; but in the truest sense of the word; LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. 
I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking.  
I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, 
so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane 

will have resonances without own innermost being and reality, 

so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”

― Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth 

I have found my bliss. I love who I am and who I am spending my life with now. I am "being alive" rather than seeking "the meaning of my life". My BEING ALIVE is my purpose and meaning for being and my search has led me back to my self.