Stages of healing

I found a wonderful article on the Stages of Healing; written for the supporter of a abuse survivor (whether it be sexual, emotional, verbal or physical) as well as FOR the abuse survivor to become familiar with the "stages" that will most likely be faced on her healing journey. To encourage you on your healing journey; I have added a POLL to the right. Please spend some time "just for you" to read the following article and answer the Poll.... for yourself. You deserve to HEAL from abuse and DREAM again!

Stages of Healing

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It is important that people who support survivors understand the healing process. Healing is never a straightforward progress. It might best be described as a spiral. A survivor on her healing journey climbs upward, but she re-traces her steps at various points along the way. If you, a supporter, understand this, you will be better able to support the survivor you know.

There are a number of ways to describe the healing process, many are both valid and help us to understand the healing process. The medicine wheel, used by many Aboriginal cultures in North America is one way to describe healing and balance that we all strive for. Another description, often used by survivors and community-based organizations, is by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

Bass and Davis have described the stages of healing a survivor goes through. Most of these stages are necessary. However a few or them - the emergency stage, remembering the abuse, confronting your family, and forgiveness - are not applicable for every woman. While these descriptions are directed to a survivor - male or female - this information is vital for any supporter, be they partner, family member, friend, therapist, or other professional helper. The more we understand about abuse, its effects and the healing, the more we are able to support the survivors in our lives and heal ourselves. Here is how Bass and Davis describe the steps in the healing journey.*

The decision to heal
Once you recognize the effects of sexual abuse in your life, you need to make an active commitment to heal. Deep healing only happens when you choose it and are willing to change yourself.

The emergency stage
Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw your life into utter turmoil. Remember, this is only a stage. It won't last forever.

Remembering
Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them as children. Those who do not forget the actual incidents often forget how it felt at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling.

Believing it happened
Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt you, is a vital part of the healing process.

Breaking the silence
Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Telling another person about what happened to you is a powerful healing force that can help you get rid of the shame of being a victim.

Understanding that it wasn't your fault
Children usually believe that abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs - directly on the shoulders of the abusers.

Making contact with the child within
Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser, and a greater intimacy with others.

Trusting yourself
The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions becomes a basis for action in the world outside.

Grieving and mourning
As children being abused and later, as adult struggling to survive, most survivors haven't felt their losses. Grieving lets you honour your pain, let go, and more into the present.

Anger: The backbone of healing
Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who did not protect you even if they could have done so, is essential to healing.

Disclosures and confrontations
Directly confronting your abuser is not for every survivor, but it can be a dramatic, cleansing tool.

Forgiveness
Forgiveness of the abuser is not absolutely required as part of the healing process, although it is often the most recommended. The only essential forgiveness is to forgive yourself.

Spirituality
Having a sense of a power greater than yourself helps you in your healing process. Your spirituality is unique to you. You might find it through traditional cultural practices, through organized religion, meditation, nature, or a support network.

Resolution and moving on
As you move through these stages again and again, you will reach a point of integration. Your feelings and perspectives will stabilize. You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won't erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.


*Excerpt from:
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass
Harper & Row, New York, 1988
pages 58-59

What's love got to do with it? An abuser's view of marriage. A TRUE story.

 
Imagine this scene:  A "christian" couple have been separated due to domestic abuse; the wife/mother has left the household eight months prior with their child living separately; totally supporting both she and their son with HER income alone (also paying for the husband's medical insurance as in the past 12 years out of her income). There have been NO sincere attempts by the husband at reconciliation or resolve of "issues" in the marriage; the wife has documented the hurtful words and behavior that he clearly exhibited for many years to only be disregarded and discounted. This meeting was really set up to confirm what the wife feels she has "yet to do".

She invites the husband and her Pastor and his wife (also a Pastor) to her apartment for a home cooked meal. Conversation is light and leads them into the living room for some more discussion. While the Pastor is talking about his marriage to his wife; the topic turns to his "role" as being a Christian man and the inappropriateness of "demanding" of  submission by a husband.  The husband pulls out his Bible and says to him "I don't want to hear anything that does not come out of this; I will not take any of YOUR counsel".

The Pastor quickly senses that this man is not one to "take anyone's word for it" and obliges him by taking his Bible which was pushed toward him and opens it to 1 Corinthians 13. The Love chapter. The Pastor persuasively reads the entire chapter aloud while remaining to stand and then hands the Bible back to the husband. With total disgust in his voice and obvious air of superiority at having been "read the Word", he so eloquently states (in question form but obviously rhetorical)  

"WHAT does THAT have to do with ME and MY MARRIAGE???"

That makes me think of Tina Turner's song "What's love go to do with it?" and according to this abusive husband LOVE has NOTHING to do with HIM or HIS MARRIAGE. His own words stand to testify of "his faith" and lack of love for his wife. Of course, to end our story, the Pastor proceeded to state his intention that he would  "not cast pearl before swine" by continuing the conversation and that it was "over" and thanked me for the dinner and headed toward the door.

Another choice response by the husband was,  

"Are you calling me a PIG?"

 On a more positive note:  LOVE does have EVERYTHING to do with a good and healthy marriage; whether you are married to "a person who claims to be of a certain faith who obviously does NOT practice what he preaches" or married to a wonderful person who has come to learn that there is NO excuse for abuse. Don't be fooled by a PIG in sheep's clothing. 

****For the record; I hope that you found this amusing. It truly happened JUST as it is recorded. The irony and humor was somewhat diminished at the time by the true shock that ANYONE would even make such comments. Looking back at this as "a pig in sheep's clothing" gives me a chuckle. Abuse is not funny but the stupidity of the abusive behaviour can truly be comical. To add to it; I have eaten "Kosher" for over 18 years. This IS a true story.

Ode to Autumn

Autumn is here. A time of real visible change is upon us. The change of Autumn leaves in the North-east. It just has to be one of the most spectacular visions that our eyes can behold; at least in my opinion. I was born in Ohio; one of the many states that has "all four seasons" which are pretty fairly distributed. Of course,  I believe there is TOO much Winter and a too little Spring, Summer can be WAY TOO hot but sometimes, Autumn can be JUST right. What a beautiful Season.




Watching the changing seasons seems to be a somewhat sad yet almost exhilarating experience. Why don't we have the same promise of beauty with change in our lives?  We all go through "seasons" in our lives and I guess I am experiencing a Winter of sorts after my mom's passing. I feel that things are "frozen over"  but the buds of life are beneath a thick blanket of snow; being preserved for the Spring.
 

We can still see the long shadows being cast by the summer-like sun through the colorful trees.  We remember the previous Seasons but somehow we stop and enjoy this one. While the Earth is coming to a rest, we pause to appreciate the change, we take time to look and enjoy it. I only hope that change could be so beautiful in our lives.

 

I fell in love with a young man in the Autumn of 1981, thirty years ago. We enjoyed several beautiful  Autumns together. The Autumn of 1985 was abruptly and harshly interrupted by life's chaos and destruction. The Winters that began in 1985 through 2010 were more like one VERY LONG Winter. Yet, to this day,  Autumn has always been and STILL is my, our favorite Season. We met again in the Spring; almost poetic reunion and will enjoy our first Autumn together in twenty-six years.

Enjoy this Autumn in your life. Embrace change and welcome the new phase that is being brought to you. Enjoy it for "what it is" and do not dread what it "will become". Breathe in each sweet new fragrance as if it is for the very first time. Go ahead and jump in a pile of newly raked or blown leaves. Feel the crispness of the Autumn breeze on your cheeks and warmth of the cooling sun upon your face. Hear the leaves laugh as they drift down and join them in a chuckle and a smile.

Happy Autumn

My path of healing from abuse

So many days I had moaned at the alarmed clock; covered my head with my pillow and screamed,
"I don't want to get up". Depression, indecisiveness, confusion and hopelessness, lack of self-esteem and constant "second guessing" of myself only added to the burden of the crumbled life that I was trying to live. It seemed so futile to even thing that the nightmare would ever end.


 Add to this, a Narcissistic mentally and emotionally wounded man who constantly criticised my every move, accused me of unthinkable behavior in his projection of his image upon me and then stood in judgement of me rather than showing compassion or any kindness. I learned early in my almost 12 year marriage to him that life is really hard when you don't feel loved and cared for and even harder to accept with no hope to the abuse ceasing. I lived that way for many years. Oh, at first, when the mask of the "good guy" was on and I was not aware of the covert abuse of sabotaging of the step-mother relationship with his daughter and seemingly appearing that I was the one who had a problem "accepting" who he was. Where was the acceptance that I "am who I am?" When I said that I "was hurting" by his words; he could only respond defensively and rather confidently; "You are just too sensitive". It was about that time in my life that I found Verbalabuse.com and Patricia Evans and her wonderful resourceful books on the topic of verbal abuse. In the tumultuous seas of abuse, she and her books and forum became the anchor that gave me the stability and "clarity" that any victim/survivor of abuse really needs.

Death and divorce; they are very similiar and that is why I will borrow the Five Stages of Grief by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in an attempt to retrace my steps that led to healing, extricating myself from abuse and divorce from a verbally abusive and controlling man.

The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."  Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..." The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..."
4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so whats the point... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it." In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his mortality or that of a loved one or tragic event.

Applying my life to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief covered the years from 2002-2010.

I married my ex-husband in 1999. I was beginning to become aware of how verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling he behaved toward me in 2002. I remained in DENIAL that the abuse would stop and that even I must "be seeing this wrong" or that "he is physically ill and it affects him emotionally"; finding any excuse to try to understand and live with his behavior even with one attempt at leaving him and taking our son with me in 2003. Being a Christian, I was apt to believe that he could not possibly BE abusive as he stated that he also believed as I did. I have come to learn thta this was the biggest deception and barrier to breaking of the denial that I had to overcome in order to live a life without abuse.

In November 2007, after reading Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Man", I created "The Agreement" as prescribed in her book and presented it to a man who was in denial. His total disregard to "hear me" angered me and that ANGER stayed with me; forcing me to truly look at and accept the truth of our "marriage". This anger stayed with me and took on many forms; none that I allowed to become either self-inflicting or retaliatory. My anger became a power that helped me to be strong in the face of the FOG (Frustration, obligation and guilt) of living with and being married to what I understood finally to be a mentally ill spouse; a personality disordered individual.

The "BARGAINING phase" seemed to wrap itself around the many years but finally came to a close in late 2009. And until my mother had moved out of our home; I continued to hope that I could somehow resolve; notice that I said that "I COULD SOMEHOW RESOLVE" this "miscommunication". I "knew" that it was NOT going to happen. ALL attempts at all counseling and "talking" had only circularly come back to "his innocence" of all that I had "accused him of". The years of 2008-2009 brought more detachment as I STOPPED trying to bargain and began to accept that I was in an abusive marriage.

When I finally accepted the fact that there "was nothing that I could do to positively affect my situation", I fell into DEPRESSION. Of course, losing a son to stillbirth( April 2007), taking my parents into my home (August 2007) and having the betrayal and disconnect with my "then" stepdaughter through sabotage of her father (began 2001), I allowed him to continue to isolate, devalue and demean me, use me and my money and hoard it away from me. At one time I found 11K dollars in cash in our apartment (half of which he claimed belonged to his daughter for back child support from her mother). All attempts at "healing the marriage" was gone. I was now focusing on "me" and my survival. My depression was deep and lasting, it would not "let up".

Finally, in July 2009, I started taking the antidepressants that had been waiting on my amoire shelf for over 8 months. This came with strong insistence of a controlling husband who to try to dissuade me from taking them by saying that I "was not depressed"; possibly to "keep me debilitated" so that I would "not think of " leaving him. The process ended in ACCEPTANCE of the "death of the marriage" instead of continuing through the grief stages. No more "going around in circles". In November 2009 after an "act of fate" in October, I was able to take my son; less than half of our liquid assets (much more I believe that he STILL has hidden in savings bonds that he bought for his daughter) and LEFT his household with NO intention to return to an abusive marriage. It would require an ACT OF GOD, a MIRACLE greater than I had ever seen or even heard of to change the course that I had chosen to take.

Escaping an abusive relationship takes all that WE have to understand WHY we had continued in it so long, what our rewards were from being in it and facing the fear of the unknown outside of it. But it is REALLY worth it!

The Abuse cycle explained by Livestrong

Say Kaddish for me...

I am grieving. 

Grieving the loss of my mother who just passed away at the ripe age of 87 from cancer of all things; she could have and probably had lived many more years if the cancer was caught ten years ago. She was taking care of my father; who underwent colon cancer surgery in 2007; it might have not been terminal if caught at that time. This is a great loss to me.




I remember watching the first movie that I had seen that had a reference to the Mourner's Kaddish;  a Jewish prayer said at the time of mourning the passing of a loved one, which praises Hashem (God) as Job said "the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; Blessed be the Name of the LORD. (Job 1:20-22). My mom and I were both greatly impacted by the movie, The Odessa File (Movie trailer on Youtube) with John Voight  and Maxmilian Schell. Many times after seeing it, her heart was touched as she spoke of the last scene; where in a diary of a Jewish man, he requests that if any one would read this that they would "say Kaddish for me". It seemed odd to me that a woman; who probably had never even met a Jewish person in her life up to that time, half German and half Irish in origin would be attracted to the Jewish prayer. It is even "more odd" in ways that I later and for over 18 years spent time with Jews and Gentiles believers in Jesus in the Messianic Synagogue.  I have often felt that giving praise to God at this time was a healing part of the mourning process; it acknowledges His gift to us through this loved one's life. My mother was truly a nothing less than a precious gift from God and I thank Him and her for providing me with her love.


Would you indulge me in this time of mourning and in honor of my mother; would you "say Kaddish" for her? Thank you and Shalom to you and yours.
 

The Mourner’s Kaddish

Exalted and sanctified is God's great name (Amen) 
in the world which He has created according to His will, 

and may He establish His kingdom in your lifetime 
and during your days, and within the life of the entire 

House of Israel, speedily and soon; 
and say, Amen.

(Amen. May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.)

May His great Name be blessed forever and for all eternity. 

Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, 
elevated and lauded be the Name of the Holy One, blessed be He, (blessed be He) 

beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are spoken in the world; 

and say, Amen. (Amen.)

May there be great peace from heaven, and life, for us and for all Israel; 

and say, Amen. (Amen.)

One of many effects of domestic abuse: Complex-PTSD

The effects of abuse are vast and very obscure and even misunderstood as being symptoms of having endured disrespect and degradation by another person's words and behavior. Over a long period of time, it can manifest as Complex Post traumatic stress disorder.  This is not a gender specific disorder but one that can debilitate either a woman or a man and be symptoms of either childhood or adult abuse. I have personally endured and "tried to live with" so much more mental and verbal abuse that I would ever care to admit. At first, after leaving the abusive environment, I didn't think that I had been "mentally damaged" as much as "emotionally scarred"  by the inhuman verbal abuse and mind-bending mental drama of living with a personality disordered spouse. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD several years ago and underwent one year of therapy which helped me considerably. 

I believe now, that the extreme mental fatigue and confusion that I experienced actually minimized my ability to emotionally heal from the long term effects of abuse; leaving the symptoms of C-PTSD.


 


Please consider this a PSA (public service announcement). If you, yourself or a loved one has exhibited the following "symptoms", please consider practising some "good self care" and educate yourself on the effects of abuse; even behavior that you have not previously thought of as being abuse. Your mental and emotional health could depend upon it.

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Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a psychological injury that results from prolonged exposure to social or interpersonal trauma, disempowerment, captivity or entrapment, with lack or loss of a viable escape route for the victim. 

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of:

• domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse
• childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse
• entrapment or kidnapping.
• slavery or enforced labor.
• long term imprisonment and torture
• repeated violations of personal boundaries.
• long-term objectification.
• exposure to gaslighting & false accusations
• long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.
• long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members.
• long term exposure to crisis conditions.

When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before.

The "Complex" in Complex Post Traumatic Disorder describes how one layer after another of trauma can interact with one another. Sometimes, it is mistakenly assumed that the most recent traumatic event in a person's life is the one that brought them to their knees. However, just addressing that single most-recent event may possibly be an invalidating experience for the C-PTSD sufferer. Therefore, it is important to recognize that those who suffer from C-PTSD may be experiencing feelings from all their traumatic exposure, even as they try to address the most recent traumatic event.

This is what differentiates C-PTSD from the classic PTSD diagnosis - which typically describes an emotional response to a single or to a discrete number of traumatic events.

C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little chance of escape. PTSD can result from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma.

Therefore a soldier returning from intense battle may be likely to show PTSD symptoms, but a kidnapped prisoner of war who was held for several years may show additional symptoms of C-PTSD.

Similarly, a child who witnesses a friend's death in an accident may exhibit some symptoms of PTSD but a child who grows up in an abusive home may exhibit the additional C-PTSD characteristics shown below:

C-PTSD - What it Feels Like:

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel un-centered and shaky, as if they are likely to have an embarrassing emotional breakdown or burst into tears at any moment. They may feel unloved - or that nothing they can accomplish is ever going to be "good enough" for others.

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel compelled to get away from others and be by themselves, so that no-one will witness what may come next. They may feel afraid to form close friendships to prevent possible loss should another catastrophe strike.

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel that everything is just about to go "out the window" and that they will not be able to handle even the simplest task. They may be too distracted by what is going on at home to focus on being successful at school or in the workplace.
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Article from Out Of the Fog.net
Complex-PTSD (Complex Post traumatic stress disorder)

Ten years ago...

The day of infamy. That is what many have called the tragic day of September 11, 2001. My son  
was nearly 4 months old and I had just returned to work within a month when this day and all of
its horror was unleashed upon an unsuspecting America. We were stunned and sat in zombie-like silence; trying to understand the mind of anyone who would plot such a catastrophe and trying to wrap our minds around the horrific loss of so many lives and how it all would effect us forever. At that moment, it seemed to me that we knew we were Americans and we had lost some of "our own" in this tragedy that would change the course of our destiny. Our hearts and prayers go out to all who lost their lives; in the attack and in their rescue on that fateful day. We will hold a memorial on this day to remind ourselves of man's ultimate good as well as his most horrendous evil done in the "name of god".

Like this day of infamy which will forever be on our minds and in our hearts; we all have had
a day, a moment, that has changed the course of our lives forever. It might have not have been a tragedy of this sort or size but it was a character builder and life changer in ways that we might never had expected to experience.  I know that when I received the "clarity" that I was in an abusive marriage that it was like a"light-bulb" suddenly being switched on. There was no warning, no preparedness to up-gird me for such a drastic change in perspective and understanding. However unwelcome,  I needed to accept the fact that life would go on and I would survive and never be the same again. I felt alone in trying to make sense out of what did not seem to make sense and as blinding and frightening as the blazing fires that engulfed the Towers; I knew that the devastation and change to my life would be permanent; there was no turning back.

Over the next few days, we will be reminded of a horrible catastrophe; an attack against our Nation and we will weep for the souls who so horrifically died that day. We will mourn as a "family", A Nation who believes that "good will triumph over evil" and that we will have victory over the oppressors and those who have hurt and abused us as well. Hope lives on in our hearts because it cannot be taken away by those who desire to control us. As one scripture from the Bible says  "Don't be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul." (New Living Translation). Our lives may change for ever but we will remain the people who we are; survivors.

My love and prayers are with you and yours as we mourn together...

Words to live by...not just a quote on the wall.

Do you like the "Inspirational" Quotes Posters? I had one on my wall as a teenager that I had memorized. It was like a shining star lighting my way.

Young love is notorious for making "star crossed lovers" out of anyone who will succumb to the romance, intrigue, excitement and adventure of learning about another person. The irony of love is that we learn just as much or more about  ourselves at the same time, if we are doing it right that is. Even at a  young age, I understood that the deep and honest awakening and activation of the heart was essentially required if love were to bloom and flourish there. The absurdity of finding a true love, letting it go and if fate permitted; having it return years hence would certainly become more than a dream come true. 

I never even imagined that someday I would actually see the truth that Kahlil Gibran wrote about SO many years ago and that a quote on my "teenage  bedroom" wall could actually come alive into my life. It is much more surprising that it occurred over 30 years after it hung on my wall! It was displayed on my wall like a creed. Roy Crofts's poem Love states "You have done ...more than any creed could have done to make me good and more than any fate could have done to make me happy."  I wanted to "be good" and to live a good life. I wanted to believe that anything that would or could be "lost", could be found again IF it were "meant to be". Honestly, I probably would not have truly believed that "that kind of love" really existed. I had only hoped that it did and I clung onto that hope for hope's sake it nothing else.

It was actually several years later that I had experienced that kind of love. I watched it grow into a very real yet magical relationship only to erroneously believe that it was doomed and seemed very unlikely to "ever return". Yet, my heart yearned for the love that I had known. Over 25 years my heart ached and cried for my "Love" and I "couldn't let go" of him and could not understand why. It wasn't until my yearning became returning did I realize that "I was his and would always be his; he was mine forever".

My quote on the wall came true; the words of Kahlil Gibran had come to pass in my life. Remarkable. 

WHAT is possible? Dreams CAN come true.

We all have possibilities we don't know about.
We can do things we don't even dream we can do.
- Dale Carnegie 

  

Whose heart does NOT echo the sentiment of Don Quixote's song, to "dream the impossible dream"? 

Lyrics by Joe Darion
Enjoy on Youtube: To dream the impossible dream by Il Divo 

To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star ... 

If but for NOT appearing to be "impossible, would it "be a dream worth dreaming? Do we hold onto dreams because we think that they ARE impossible and so we don't FEAR them coming true in our lives?

I remember "dreaming" the impossible dream and I felt utter hopelessness and despair as if it could NEVER possibly or even partially come true. Dale Carnegie said it best that "we all have possibilities we don't know about." Wow. In my life, I had to come to the place where I had to consider that there was a possibility of seeing my dream come true before I felt safe enough to dream it. But I did believe, deep in my heart, that I COULD DO things that I had NOT YET dreamed of and because of this; I forged ahead and took the necessary and very intrepid steps TOWARD my dream. 

I remember sitting still and introspectively "looking at my life" and remembering the scene from Mrs. Doubfire.

"Ever wish you could freeze frame 

a moment in your day, and look at it and say

 this is not my life?"

As I evaluated the realness of my life; I fell into despair knowing what I was living in and I felt an unquenchable hunger for what I had been living without. I had nothing to lose. In my mind, it could "get no worse" and if I attempted to follow my dream and did not get it; I would be no WORSE off than living without it. I was "all in" as they say. It was "all or nothing" and I was ready for the "nothing" but the all; it was a bit overwhelming to even believe that my dream COULD come true. When I sent my Love a card in the mail I admit that I was more fearful of a positive response than negative one. His rejection would not leave me WORSE off than before and would confirm the "impossibility" of my dream whereas his acceptance of my love and place in his life would change me forever.  And it would also mean that I had lived without him and had been dreaming my life away for nothing.

  

Enjoy on Youtube:  All I have to do is dream by the Everly Brothers

So if you have a dream that you don't think has a possibility of ever coming true, then what do you have to lose? I encourage you, today...Dream!!! Throw you cares to the wind. I did. I don't regret it for a moment. My life has changed and will never be the same. Thank God!

You have nothing to lose but the "impossibility" of your dream coming true. 

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When is the END really the beginning???

When it is an END to an abusive relationship and the BEGINNING of your new life.That was really an easy question for me to answer. My divorce from my covertly emotionally and verbally abusive husband became FINAL today...It may seem odd at first glance that I am THRILLED about this but if you were to understand the amount of mind-bending, heart-shattering, soul-crushing, hair-pulling and crazy-making abuse that I had lived with while married to my son's father; you would greater understand my JOY.




Have you ever had a toothache that just continued to get more painful each day? It would begin to abscess but you were unaware of what was going on beneath the surface of your gums. You only knew that it struck you with a mega jolt of agony each time you tried to chew on it. To avoid the FEAR of anticipated pain in going to the dentist, you would DENY the intensity of the torture that you were enduring and say to yourself and others "it's not so bad". You might even start limiting the kinds of foods and temperatures of the same to minimize your suffering. You might even have a good friend or maybe a spouse who would say "Oh, stop being a baby; its' only a tooth, suck it up or go to the dentist already".

Let's set this scene in a marriage that has covert, mental and verbal abuse. The toothache is VERY real but not easily seen. The pain is subtle at first and not easily located or isolated to being in "one tooth". The symptoms worsen a little more everyday; almost like that frog in the pot of water, we get used to a "little more" and learn to "deal with it". We find that certain actions on our part evoke a very painful response. We are shocked. We are fearful of confronting the "Producer of our pain" or having it more closely scrutinized to be something that we must deal with quickly for our own health. We continue to limit the many relationships that seemed to provoke hateful and controlling words and behavior. We severely minimize the joys that we have in life because we are demeaned and devalued for being unique. Finally, we come to a place where it fills our life with so much discomfort that it is hard to hide our displeasure and we are told to "endure it as a good christian should" from the one who is abusing you or "get some help" by those who have heard our complaints and exasperating cries for help. Lastly, we are seen as weak by the ones who cause us pain and by those who don't understand the invisible psychic pain of mental abuse. Our self esteems have hit rock bottom and we feel MORE than all alone. We have been abused by "the one person" that we had trusted to be loving and kind to us. We have been betrayed and are severely confused over the injustice of being blamed for another's weakensses and fears as they project them onto us. This is a DAILY way of life for the victim of abuse.

When can we say NO to abuse? When we realize that we do not deserve it-we did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot change it (the abuser).

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows...)

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

The most important thing for any survivor of abuse to remember is that the END of an abusive relationship is the BEGINNING of a new life. Embrace it, you deserve it.

If this rings true to your experience in marriage or relationship, I so sincerely extend my heart to you. I feel your hurt, confusion and pain. I want to give you hope that this CAN and WILL stop. Please check out the Healing from Abuse Page Tab (above blog entries)for help and support in understanding abuse and how you can deal with it. 
There is help. You are not alone.