Struggling with faith

  "Faith is a knowledge 

within the heart, 

beyond the reach of proof." 

~Kahlil Gibran

Faith, as one passage of the Bible describes it, "is the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for; the EVIDENCE of things not seen". (Hebrews 11:1) In light of this description in sharing a bit of my personal faith, I would like to clarify how "faith" kept me from finding myself and kept me in an abusive marriage.

As a very young girl, I "heard" the voice of God. I thought that I had heard it clearly several times up to the age of 10 and many times after that time. At 10 years of age, I was watching a very rare televised Billy Graham Meeting (rare that it was on OUR TV that is) and upon hearing the "invitation to accept Jesus in my heart", I responded with writing Jesus a letter asking Him to "be my Good Shepherd" in a letter fashioned after Psalm 23.  

Many years after that, even with hearing "His voice", I did not respond to "follow Jesus by faith" until I was in college. I believed that it was "the right thing to do" and after having been in my "first" love affair, I clearly remember having the understanding that he and our relationship was not appropriate  because I was now a "christian" and he was not. In my other blog, Back to Our Future, I have referred to this time as the "beginning of the Dark Ages". For the next 25 years, we lived apart, marrying twice each. Both of my husband's claiming to be christians and revealing themselves to be a porn addict/passive aggressive "mamma's boy" and a "wounded "good guy" religious controlling abuser". Both were "winners" weren't they? More or less, I believed  "God" told me to marry them. I had lost sight and feeling of my self as the young woman who fell in love in college and denied my own heart; losing a great part of myself that I have diligently spent years in "finding" again.

At the time, I thought that it was faith in God that led me away from my first love and to marry two other men whom did not love me as much as I loved my First Love. I lived with love for him in my heart all those years. Both husbands knew of my love for him and accused me of "emotionally adultery". Now, I see that I had "committed adultery against my First Love with these "interlopers". I realize NOW that I had sinned "against God" while believing that I was "doing His Will" and what He wanted for me and my life. I believed a lie. I knew in my heart that I loved my "First Love" but I had denied that love and lived without it thinking that it was NOT "to be". I had allowed a "faith" to keep me bound to men other than my "First Love". This "faith" was NOT of "God" as I once believed but what I now realized has been the denial of a LOVE that I could not explained nor put into a "christian box".

If you are struggling with "your faith" today, I will challenge you to examine exactly WHAT you are putting your faith IN. I put my "faith" in the knowledge that "I should only marry and be happy with a christian man". Since my First Love was not a christian at the time, and both of my ex husbands CLAIMED to be christians, I trusted and put my faith and my life "on the line". I struggled TO DO what I thought God wanted me to do and denied my own heart's cry for love.

  "Faith is a knowledge within the heart, 

beyond the reach of proof."
~Kahlil Gibran 

My understanding of all of this culminates that I had "faith" that was NOT based on knowledge and NOT felt in my heart but HOPED FOR as "God's" way for me to live. I had NO proof that God had spoken to me but realize NOW that He speaks TO THE HEART and since I had denied the "desires of my heart", my faith was in vain.

The biggest part of "finding me" again was to find the true connection with my soul. I needed to realize that my HEART cried out to be heard and once I consulted my heart, my faith was able to lead me to reunite with the only man I have ever truly loved.

Finding myself, healing from abuse and then learning to dream my ONLY dream again, is the PROOF of my faith. I feel whole again.