Looking inside me; not afraid to see who I really am.

This above all, to thine own self be true.

~ William Shakespeare

NO matter what happens in this life; I just want to scream: to YOUR OWN SELF...BE TRUE! 
I strongly believe that people are so messed up in this world today because that they have learned to LIE to themselves, live in denial and BE dishonest with themselves about who they really are. They have not taken William's quote and applied it to their lives; "to thine own self, be true".

 Truth hurts - not the searching after; the running from!  

~John Eyberg

How many times have we "run from ourselves". A song from the musical "Pippin" called Simple Joys (Ben Vereen- Simple Joys from Pippin) gleefully and truthfully states it clearly.

He ran from all the things he done, 

he ran from things he'd just begun, 

he ran from himself 
now that's mighty far to run....

The self is a remarkably fragile yet undeniably real concept. I embrace the woman who is "me". I affirm her and acknowledge that she is unique and special in all the world and worthy of my time and attention. It might feel strange or peculiar at first to "talk about yourself" in second person but I believe that it helps me to "see me" from a more objective and respectful position. I can then "look inside me" to see who I have become and feel with great joy and sometimes great pain, the events that have formed who I am. I can calmly look at the choices that I have made and even realize that I have lately made some VERY good choices for myself and my young son and feel good about them, their effects and how it reflects upon on my personal growth and healing.

I encourage you today to NOT be afraid to "look inside yourself". I would say that very deep within you is a remarkably unique and wonderful person; just waiting for you to help him or her, get out of the bondage of abuse and pain and begin to live life fully and freely. You are worth it.

  

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ― Joseph Campbell

Like many others, I have been on a healing journey from abuse for many years. After having lived through years of  dysfunction in my family of origin and then an abusive "Christian" marriage I have courageously explored my own heart, soul and mind in a very deep personal search for greater understanding and healing.  More recently, after I finally realized that I was STILL not living the life that I had planned; I was shocked into reality and had to make a choice. I chose to start living the life that I had ONLY dreamt of. I chose to dream and NOT let go of my dreams ever again.


As Joseph Campbell was quoted to have said: I had to "be willing to let go of the life I had planned" to HAVE the life that WAS WAITING for me.

Finding Joe (the movie trailer on Youtube)

After becoming a Christian in 1985, I thought that "my plans" for my life would include some calling from God to sing and minister and write songs, perform and record for "the Kingdom". I asked God in prayer to allow me to marry "for the sake of ministry" (meaning also to have a child) including "church ministry" as I had previously done with my first husband. Being that I was a very strong christian, I felt that this was the ONLY path for my life; it WAS my life. That was until I began to understand the the christian man that I had married (and just recently divorced) was personality disordered, abusive and "just plain not nice". There were several well-meaning Christian friends who had NO idea nor understanding of domestic or "spiritual" abuse who "admonished" me to stay with him and "serve him as Christ would". 

I first understood that the very disrespectful, demeaning and discounting behavior of my ex husband was not only verbal abuse but covert emotional abuse and spiritual abuse in the first three years after marriage. He constantly used "church doctrine" and elements of blame and shame to control and "put me down" so he could "be (my) spiritual head". I was demeaned to the point of depression and after the loss of a stillborn boy child, I realized that this "Christian man's" behavior was abusive and not Christlike by any stretch of the imagination. He would neither submit nor "be accountable" to any authority; no church, pastor or counselor. I spent years in counseling in order to try to adapt to plaguing depression and despair.

Regarding my faith, some might say that I have been "disillusioned" by his abuse and no longer having these goals and wanting to "take part" in religious activities is due to having been in an abusive marriage; but it is SO much more than that. It seemed that I was holding onto a religious expression because that was all that I thought "was me" during the abuse. It was the one thing that could NOT be taken from me although it was constantly attacked and it seemed that every step was taken to control me and my gift (from God) for his own personal gain. I was sickened to realize that he was NOT only NOT a Christian, but an abuser. My plans definitely changed.

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track 

that has been there all the while, waiting for you, 

and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. 

Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, 

and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.”

― Joseph Campbell

I thought that I HAD BEEN following "my bliss" but I realize now that it was NOT my first choice. My bliss, which I now define as "being free to be me" HAD been realized with my first Love in the 80's. I was only hiding from myself while I was "being a christian", hiding from the REAL me that had known and loved and been loved by my Love.

"I have been loved"
Jane Eyre

I realize that the love and bliss that I had been hiding FROM; I had to learn to live without until this past February. There were obstacles as with all true love stories; but in the truest sense of the word; LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. 
I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking.  
I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, 
so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane 

will have resonances without own innermost being and reality, 

so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”

― Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth 

I have found my bliss. I love who I am and who I am spending my life with now. I am "being alive" rather than seeking "the meaning of my life". My BEING ALIVE is my purpose and meaning for being and my search has led me back to my self.

Out of the abundance of the heart...

Surviving abuse is not just a matter of heart but of mind as well. The mind bending manipulations and twisted realities of a personality disordered spouse or family member result in wounds of both the heart as well as the mind. We can only truly "speak" out of our own experience and beliefs. What we can only speak of is what come from and is within our hearts. 

Above all else, guard your heart, 

for everything you do flows from it. 

Proverbs 4:23(NIV)

We may have been careful "what we put IN our hearts" but little do we realize what had gotten into our hearts and COMES BACK OUT as the result of abuse and woundedness. After having been wounded so deeply by abuse, we may "shut off" or "close down" our hearts or "build up walls" to protect ourselves from further pain. 

 The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - 
they must be felt with the heart. 

Helen Keller

I am thoroughly a "heart" person, I LIVE from my heart. For me, to live any other way is false and NOT living at all. I am warm, funny, sensitive, loving, insightful, creative, hopeful and forgiving; but one thing I am not is hard and walled up; any more that is. Abuse causes us to be cautious and protective of our hearts; we withdraw and "hide" our true selves until one day, we realize that we are losing sight of who we are. We are "losing ourselves" in the sea of abuse and neglect, pain and misery.

Here is my secret. 
It is very simple. 

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; 

What is essential is invisible to the eye. 

Antoine de Saint Exupéry

This above saying comes from the book and movie titled "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint Exupéry. It is funny how WISE a children's story can be and how much an adult can learn about ones own heart by reading a story about how we should "never give up hope" and that we CAN learn if we are only willing to "be like a child" again.

The heart is the most wonderful place in the world. In it and out of it comes LIFE. Without it, I would have to ask the purpose of life; in my opinion, there would be none.

Waking up with a smile

I have been found guilt and convicted...of waking up with a smile on my face. HOW COULD I NOT smile with the waking thought that I am finally with the man that I have loved FIRST and loved through almost 26 years of separation. Those years were hell for both of us. (see Back to Our Future Stories Page) So many indications and pieces of evidence are everywhere; poems, ceramic dragons (with two "baby dragons" coming out of their shells), pictures and a gold pearl ring from his mother remind us daily that we really refused to live without each other's memory though there seemed to be NO real possibility of ever seeing each other; let alone, loving each other again and for always. I think of all the years that I woke up with "dread" all over my face; my forehead squished up in pain, my teeth clenching or nerves feeling raw all over my body to where getting up out of bed was the LAST THING that I wanted to do. This is of course when my "last husband" was working nights and I DID have several  good reasons to get up in the morning;  one was that he was NOT lying next to me and I could get my son  dressed and ready for school as well as get myself to work; all positive.

Have you ever "woken up with a smile?". If not, when you wake up after your next night's sleep, think of the ONE THING that you are waking up FOR. I could also think of my son ;now but I have had the pleasure and joy of thinking of the man lying next to me with his arm around my waist whom I have LONGED to love and BE WITH for over 25 years.  I don't even try to contain or suppress that "I am happy to be alive" smile, I just enjoy it.

Thinking on "good things" is a joyful way to wake up every morning; it is really more like the REASON we WANT TO GET UP in the morning. And you know, that NOTHING can PUT that smile on our face like having what really brings us joy in our lives. When we have JOY in our lives; WE HAVE LOVE in our lives. WE DESERVE IT.

Hope your tomorrow starts out with a SMILE!

Learning to think for myself...again.

"Believe none of what you hear, 

and half of what you see" 

Benjamin Franklin

 

Mrs. Smith was my somewhat eccentric red-headed fifth grade English teacher who always had an interesting quote to share. She had insight into human development and really seemed to care about "how we learned to think"; not just "what we thought". She would share her opinion how it was abusive to not give a child clean sheets on their bed. In some ways, she taught me to "care for myself" and think about what was really important to me no matter how anyone else treated me. She taught me that I was worthwhile; in her own quirky way. She was respected but a little shunned by other teachers for her eclectic style of "teaching". I really don't remember much of her English teaching but I do remember that she "taught me about life" and for that, Mrs. Smith, I will always be grateful to you.

I have had to think long and hard about this quote for many years. You see, being a christian as I became in 1985 seemed to "teach me" that I was to "believe by faith" and not trust my reason or even try to understand outside of "God's way" of doing it. Mind you, I am not proposing that thinking is NOT part of God's plan for our lives or accepting untruths and lies and abuse IS. What I suggest is that accepting these as "His Way" and  heeding the advice of "well intended believers" is NOT the intention of an Almighty Creator. At the same time, "living by faith"; which can be a very good thing does NOT mean that we trust more in others than we do ourselves.  

I am convinced that God is certainly the MOST misunderstood and misquoted Being in the entire Universe. I think that God would have every right to file charges of UNIVERSAL MISREPRESENTATION of Himself and WIN every case. I have proposed this to say that there is nothing wrong to questioning your faith or your God. If either are too fragile to sustain a question, an investigation even, then maybe they aren't "big enough" to begin with. 

Through my journey of healing from abuse; I have not come to a crisis of faith but a clarity of faith. I have learned and truly believe that it is not only NOT a sin to think for myself; God did give me the ability to have higher consciousness and even to have thoughts of Him but it is my right to learn about myself; learn HOW to think about myself. Learning to think FOR myself was one of the best things that I have done for myself in a LONG time.

Love does not die

Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.

And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.

There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way. 
Let me live in your heart as well as in your mind.

You can love me most by letting your love reach out to our loved ones, 
by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,

give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

It will nearly be a month since Mom has passed away. It still hurts me deeply to not be able to call and talk with her. My heart breaks when I see her picture and know that I would give nearly anything to give her one more hug and kiss. Tears stream down my cheeks when I think that I could not be with her in her final moments; knowing that again, my heart would break in even deeper ways if I had been. I feel like I have been gutted alive when I think that there is "no grave" to visit since her body was cremated, there are only ashes in an urn to culminate this beautiful life; it doesn't seem fair or right at all.

I can hear her voice and laughter. I see her smile; how contagious. I hear the hope and JOY in her voice that NO ONE could steal from her. I am so very thankful that she was MY Mom. I only hope to "make her proud of me" in the ways that I am raising my son; her grandson whom she loved so dearly. 

My eyes may never stop crying; my heart, hopefully, will NEVER stop feeling her love for me and my love for her. I miss her so very badly.

If you are grieving the loss of a parent; please accept a cyber hug from me today. 

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” 

Kahlil Gibran

My Mom and I in 1990 (?), she was already 66 in this picture.

Finding me after all these years

Like most teenagers, I was also on the quest to "find me" during the late 70's and early 80's. Many called us the "ME generation". The Baby Boomers. However, I find myself associating MORE with the Silent generation of my elderly parents; born to them at a ripe age of 38. In this case, I propose that it is not so much the environment that shapes us but our choices that drive us to seek ways to "find ourselves" within the environment that we live.

In this day of narcissistic indulgence, there seems to be less and less time for social graces and nurturing of relationships. In all the relationships that we have in our lives, I feel that the one "with ourselves" is the one that suffers from lack of attention the most. I propose that we do not seek to "find ourselves" among others or in even "voicing out" who we are.  It is only in the silence of the soul of meditations, compassion and self-love we can bring "out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else has looked quite far enough to find".(see Blog entry posted; Love by Roy Croft)

I have found my "voice" in singing music, song writing, performing, expressions of art in vision boards and beaded jewelry. I have "found myself" among the things that express who I am. I "see" me in my creations. I experience my likes and dislikes and my values. I have embraced "all that is me" within the context of our society of twisted values ( what ever happened to sex AFTER marriage?) portrayed on sit coms and television series, amongst the constant "putting down" of what I value and believe in, amidst the heartache and strain of life's challenges in raising a child today. In all of that, I have still found that "finding me" to be a priority as well as a joy in my life.

You are special and unique. You are worth finding. If you are seeking joy in your life; start by seeking the real you; by "finding you" and frame your live with the beauty of what you love and "Let the beauty of what you love be what you do".  (Jalal ad-Din Rumi, 1207-1273)