Finding parts of our "lost" selves; regaining the truth

Abuse can produce selective memory and we may even forget who we are and what we deserve. We cling to dreams of "what we want" so much that we do not realize that we deserve to have SO MUCH more than what we are left settling for. We really deserve to have ourselves after the abuse is gone.

Part of "finding myself" was really discovering WHO I WAS and WHAT I DESERVED. When I was separated from my first husband, I heard a voice from Heaven say "don't tell him what you WANT, tell him what you see". I did just that. If I had told him "what I had wanted", he might have felt obligated to "be a good guy" or to "prove that I was wrong in how I saw him and his treatment of me" as well as "denying his addictive behavior". I did not tell him what I wanted; what I wanted did not matter at that moment. I needed to see the truth and KNOW the kind of man and relationship that I had committed myself. I deserved to know the truth; even though the truth hurts. I also believe that the truth heals.

Starting on the inside...

 

It is NOT uncommon to expect and receive
kindness or respect from others; except when 

you're in relationship with an abusive person. 

We look on the outside of ourselves to
find validation, praise and encouragement and we may find it in some places, but we are not likely to find them in a domestically abusive relationship. 

We usually can trust another person to not harm us, 

to wish us well and to hope for the best for us; unless we are married to or in relationship with an abuser. 

In an abusive relationship; 
the things that should be healthy, are not.

I knew I was "in here somewhere".

 Chipping away until you "find You"

    

When they asked Michelangelo how he made his statue of David he is reported to have said,  

"It is easy. You just chip away the stone that doesn't look like David." ~Michaelangelo

 

We are the Sculptor and David is our life that we are "chipping away" to find and to "draw out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else has looked quite far enough to find". Love by Roy Croft

The process of "finding me" has been very much like the "chipping away"  of the outer, unnecessary, cumbersome pieces of rock and debris of a sculptor's chisel in order to uncover and DISCOVER the "real me" that has been hidden.

At times I had to "chip away" at unhealthy relationships; ones where my boundaries were violated and 

Deliberate Living (affirmation)

This phrase came to my mind. As an abuse survivor and one who is still "finding me", healing from abuse and daring to DREAM again, it reminded me of the "lost power" of choosing with MY WILL so...

Today, I CHOOSE...

that is a powerful and validating statement even if it has no qualifier or description of WHAT I choose. 

The mere act of choosing is the power and credibility of my WILL.

To CHOOSE all that I CHOOSE TO CHOOSE IS really living!!!!

I CHOOSE...to deliberately live today.

When we leave our lives up to chance, we are selling ourselves short of all that life has to offer us. We deserve SO MUCH BETTER than to "just have a chance" at life...we have a choice! We deserve to LIVE it.

A Valentine for Hurting Hearts

For all the precious, lonely and hurting hearts on

Valentine's Day:

Valentine's Day may be a very special day for lovers but it seems to totally disregard the single, lonely hurting heart. Too many years I dreaded the upcoming "Lover's Holiday".  I would mournfully walk throughout the mall and see all the beautiful festive red and white displays declaring the "love the of the ages" and all the wares for sale to give to that "special someone". 

 

Every Valentine's Day, my heart was made sick to think that I had "loved and lost" before and was afraid that I might NEVER know that again. 

I was reminded of other dear hearted women who had been hurt and abused and face each Valentine's Day in the same way. 

I felt that this holiday was a very wicked reminder of the cruelty of abuse...again and again each year. 

I am so sorry for your pain. 

And most of all,  I'm sorry to myself  

for treating me worse than I would anyone else.

Struggling with faith

  "Faith is a knowledge 

within the heart, 

beyond the reach of proof." 

~Kahlil Gibran

Faith, as one passage of the Bible describes it, "is the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for; the EVIDENCE of things not seen". (Hebrews 11:1) In light of this description in sharing a bit of my personal faith, I would like to clarify how "faith" kept me from finding myself and kept me in an abusive marriage.

Hot potato!

I just couldn't help myself...LOL. When I saw this picture of a silhouette of a person who appears to be "holding the son" my memories went back to my childhood and the game "Hot Potato". Ok, if you remember that also, we both know HOW OLD we are! Like the game, this picture reminds me of "what we get our hands on" and we "get burnt"
at times while playing the game. This is just an illusion; of course we cannot hold the sun in our hands but we present the illusion of holding it without the real consequences. What are YOU holding onto?