The most valuable friend we ALL have

I have another favorite poem; I love poetry and the poets' view of the world in which we live. The biggest world is our imagination and mind. They are two of our strongest assets. They are the expressions of our soul and the motor by which we generate and share the life giving force that we refer to as ourselves. Sir Edward Dyer wrote a poem called "My mind to me a kingdom is". It has been a help to me when life was "not so good".

  My Mind To Me A Kingdom Is

MY mind to me a kingdom is;

Such perfect joy therein I find

That it excels all other bliss

Which God or nature hath assigned. 

Though much I want that most would have,

Yet still my mind forbids to crave. 

 

No princely port, nor wealthy store,

No force to win a victory, 

No wily wit to salve a sore,

No shape to win a loving eye;

To none of these I yield as thrall,--

For why? my mind despise them all. 

 

I see that plenty surfeit oft,

And hasty climbers soonest fall;

I see that such as are aloft

Mishap doth threaten most of all.

 These get with toil and keep with fear;

Such cares my mind can never bear.

 

I press to bear no haughty sway,

I wish no more than may suffice,

I do no more than well I may,

Look, what I want my mind supplies. 

Lo! thus I triumph like a king,

My mind content with anything. 

 

I laugh not at another's loss,

Nor grudge not at another's gain;

No worldly waves my mind can toss;

I brook that is another's bane.

I fear no foe, nor fawn on friend,

I loathe not life, nor dread mine end. 

 

My wealth is health and perfect ease,

And conscience clear my chief defence;

I never seek by bribes to please,

Nor by desert to give offence.

Thus do I live, thus will I die,--

Would all did so as well as I! 

 

    Sir Edward Dyer

My mind and imagination has always been faithful to supply whatever life seemed to lack. I guess that life has "always seemed to lack" in many areas. I humorously look upon my imagination as being better than television. I would always rather read a book than see the movie; the book is always better. Maybe this is due to the fact that our minds can imagine and even re-create where our eyes will only see and interpret.

I have always welcomed solitude and did not run away from having to be alone. I love to "be with my thoughts". Overall, I think along these lines because we have the most valuable resources right within our own hands...ourselves. I would MUCH prefer to be alone with my thoughts than to be with many people;; especially those who have abused and mistreated me.

I would like to encourage everyone to meet a new friend today. Go to a mirror and smile. Say hello to that wonderful person who is smiling so warmly back at you. He or she really is a very kind, loving and warm person. Creative and witty. Fun-loving and full of joy and adventure. This person deserves your respect, care and love. Will you say something nice to this person? Affirm him/her and tell him/her just how valuable he/she is to you. How much you could not go on living without them and that you promise that from this day forward; you will trust him/her as your very soul. And by the way, while you are there, would you put your arms around this precious person and give them a hug FROM ME? I would appreciate it.

Memories

I started making beaded jewelry about two years ago. It was a hobby that I would have not afforded in time nor treasure until I had my own space and the freedom needed to be creative. Memory wire is a funny and wonderful product. It holds its shape; it comes in two sizes for either small or large wrists and wonderful bracelets can be made from it with your selection of beads. 

Life is like a memory wire bracelet. Memories are held in our minds; complete with the colors, textures and sparkle of the original moments in time creating a pattern; similar to putting them on a wire. In jewelry making, once we put the beads on the wire in the pattern that we desire and if we make a mistake, we have to remove ALL of beads that we have placed BACK to the mistake. I see this just like my life with verbal abuse. Everything that I have "added" to my life since understanding verbal abuse has changed the pattern of my life. It is almost as if I am "recreating" my life when I am making a bracelet.

I was just at a "beading store" in my area yesterday where I picked up pieces for some jewelry that I am making. There are SO many choices to chose from; natural gemstone, "cut/faceted gemstones", synthetic/plastic/acrylic beads, crystals, pearls, "lampworked" beads, glass beads and even clay and fabric beads. I call a beading store a "woman's hardware store". My son says that I "get mesmerized" when I am in one and I can  lose all track of time while in my creative "fugue".


In writing my memoirs, I see each memory as a bead that I must creatively connect to others to recreate images of my life. The memories may be "good" or "bad" but all of them are needed in my book just as they are needed in our lives. The "rough and the ugly" will add balance to the "sweet and the silly". Every bead, every memory is worthwhile. When I look at my jewelry, it says that "I am free from abuse" simply because IT is. This creative outlet has been a therapy for me and has allowed my hands to freely express what my heart could not find the words to say.

When I was too afraid to dream

I really love Amish buggies. I love to hear the clippity-clop of the horses hooves and the "jingle tingle" of their reigns on a gravelled Amish road as I enviously drive by in a contraption called an automobile. I love Canada geese, not Canadian as we think; but CANADA geese as they fly in their V-shaped caravan, honking grievously to each other. What music. I have always loves these two special moments in life but I suppressed my simple joys when I was constantly ridiculed for acting "like a child" in front of my own children. The joy of life (joie de vivre) was snatched from me by the attitudes, opinions and thoughts and demands of a selfish person. One whom I had trusted and loved had proved that he was no more a friend to me than a stranger and eventually became known to be only a Narcissist who used me to "make his way in the world". I didn't have any dreams that involved such a person. I stopped dreaming. I stopped living. I was too afraid to "dream the impossible dream" of living a life without oppression and abuse. I only wanted to dream of living a life where I could "be me" and enjoy all the wonders that the universe holds. But I was too afraid to dream.

I loved Cinderella with Lesley Ann Warren and Stuart Damon as a child. In many ways, I could relate to Cinderella in the song "In my own little corner" and I carried that sentiment with me into what appeared to be a hopefully good relationship with my second husband. There were days that I clung to the hope and glow of the inner life that no one could take from me.

I came to a point in my life where I retreated from this life; in denial of my true situation and "withdrew myself into my "world of music". My refuge from the harsh realities of life where the REAL life of the soul could flourish. I felt selfish in ways that I did not want my abuser to "be there" with me. He never was. This was MY refuge from him; from the abuse and oppression which kept me FROM my music for several years. It was then and only there, that I wasn't afraid to dream again.

Some people dream of worthy accomplishments,  while others stay awake and do them.
For more dream quotes:Fun Video Page (Dream quotes and links)

Wolves in sheeps clothing

I see faith in a very personal way. I suspect that most people who have really thought about what and Whom they believe in may count their walk of faith to be personal as well. It is a relationship between our hearts and minds with Whom we place our trust and believe in. As Christians, we have been taught that "God's will" is what "is best for us" and that God speaks to us through His Word and His Holy Spirit. IF we are listening and discerning, we will KNOW His will. This is a very interesting subject of discussion that brings forth many different perspectives on faith.

Many times in abusive and disrespectful relationships, "being a christian" can bring the obligation and instruction to "turn the other cheek".  I have found that more often than not it is the one who is being abused that is expected to endure it. Abuse is abuse; and this is an abuse of spiritual authority; that is portrayed as "their right to exert". We are not to "return the abuse" when it is given to us but to rather and it is best in my opinion to turn away from it. This may also require discernment and wisdom in knowing that we do have a choice if we have contact with anyone who is abusive to us; including those who call themselves "Christians".

In a marriage or even family relationship, we may be ridiculed for "not allowing abuse" or calling a practice that is "acceptable" in an abuser's eyes such as demanding submission and sex from a "disobedient wife". We may even be accused of "not being a christian" or for "being abusive to them" because we "stand up for our rights to be treated kindly" due to their projection of "their true image" upon us. (See personality disorders at  htpp://ww.outofthefog.net). It is NOT what and who that WE say that we are that matters; our actions will TELL others what and Whom we truly believe in.

Being abused and "taking the abuse" by turning the other cheek does not tell the abuser or the world that being a christian is different from them apart from "being weaker" and it is easier to "control and manipulate, lie to, steal from and cheat" us. I have personally experienced the "abuse of my faith"; where a spouse "used" my belief in Christ to "obligate me" to endure his abusive behavior. I was not allowed a "voice". My personal rights to object, voice concern or give any thought or opinion was not permitted. This crushed my spirit and revealed to me, the insidious heart of the abuser who "called himself a christian".

What I really always wanted for my life; not only the best for my life but what my heart truly craved, was to be loved. God's will is clear that He loves us and wants us to know and accept His love.  I will not settle for "less than God's best" in my life ever again. Not everything that glitters is gold and neither is every person who says that they are "a Christian" and acts abusive is anything more than a "wolf in sheeps clothing". Abuse is abuse.

Change: is it good?

Change seems to be one of those words that tend to be either avoided or embraced. Like pickled herring, you either like it or you don't.  The only change that I feel up to dealing with on most days is the change that goes jingle tingle in my pocket and that can be annoying enough. The change that we face in our lives can bring a lot of good things; but for the most part we tend to think that change is something that we have to do. I have learned that "change" is something that happens whether we want it or not and HOW we choose to react to it will bring either good or bad experiences with it...I think this following quote; a twist on the Serenity Prayer sums up "change" nicely.

 

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the people I cannot change, 

the courage to change the one I can, 

and the wisdom to know it's me.  

~Author Unknown

Can I change me? Maybe I can change how I respond to situations and in that, I am changing my behavior rather than my essence. Rather than hoping for my circumstances to change, I can work on how I perceive and deal with them instead. I can say that I have never had many conscious thoughts that I had to change who I was. Most of the time, I realize, that I needed to consciously decide how to respond and trust that my reactions could positively affect the situations that I was facing.

Negative change required me to move (relocate my home and take all my stuff) five times in less than eight years. I was living in an abusive marriage and it did NOT change. I lost many priceless and precious possessions during these times. At times, I feel as if I have lost so much of my life.

In the past two years, I have accepted and even welcomed change that I had only hoped would be good for me and my son. I started this period of my life while living in my abusive marriage while taking my parents in with us; myself and son with my abusive husband and his daughter while I cared for my family and worked full time. 

My parents moved out and I moved out a few months later which was a big change for me; a welcome and much needed change. I took care of my own finances for my son and myself. and while living apart from abuse, I worked diligently on my own healing and found that I really enjoyed my life. 

I refused abuse and in the following three months I did not have much contact with my soon to be ex husband and his daughter. 

A few months later, I re-established communication between my son and I with his father and we began "talking". We even went on vacation out of state, together.  

As few more months went by, his abuse ensued. I no longer opened my home to him.  

In the following 4 months, we had minimal contact while I was healing even more. 

In August 2010, I gave him "one last chance" to eliminate abuse from our marriage and relationship but he refused to admit that he had been verbally abusive toward me.  The "last chance" came and went in a fury of denial while I offered a calm, cool "thank you for coming" as I escorted him for the last time out of my home. 

Minimal contact occurred for the following four months while he incessantly sent a barrage of verbally abusive and controlling emails that deserved NO response. 

My resolve to end this charade of a marriage in divorce was at an all time high. It was January 2011 by this time and I contacted a lawyer; met with her and proceeded in getting legal counsel to end this abusive marriage. More change came. My workplace suffered a tragic death of an employee whom I had personally known for over 23 years. My life changed at that moment. I was faced with a truth that would change my world forever. I would no longer just think about my first love but I would change how I would respond to his memory by contacting him. I knew that death could separate us forever and I was not willing for that kind of change to occur in my life. 

In the past five months, I resigned from my employment of 23 years and relocated to live with my "first love" and continue divorce proceedings. I so look forward to the biggest change in my life; marrying my "first love" soon.

If these ramblings haven't made you totally dizzy; I apologize if they have, we can take hope that change doesn't have to be an unwelcome guest or disruptive visitor. We can stop and say to ourselves "change is good" and how and what I do with the change in my life can bring about good things. We can even learn to say "I like change". 

For me, coming out of a life of abuse and into "my life" is a good change that I am very happy to live with for the rest of my life.

A trip BACK TO real life

Life. It can pass us by so quickly. All we need to do is "turn around" to see that the years fly by and we are standing looking back onto a life that we didn't get to fully live. That is how abuse has affected me. There were times that I "wished my life away" by hoping that I could get through another "crazy abuse cycle" and another frustrating and inane conversation that seem more of a tug-of-war than a meeting of minds. Crazy. Just trying to make sense out of the events that have taken place can be mind-boggling. Add a child to this mix and you have a protective mom with her cub standing up against lies, manipulation, verbal abuse, emotional trauma and turmoil, more lies and deceit, parental alienation and sabotage of other relationships. I had been sucked into the whirlwind of deceit and charm and tossed about by the crazy making confusion of an alternate reality until my mind was blown off course of my life plan. What I thought was a "life", was truly a disaster, a trauma, a devastation left by the mind bending contortions and soul crushing frustration of living in an abusive marriage with a personality disordered man.
I look back and say just as Robin William's character in Mrs. Doubfire said: Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say "this is not my life"? This is JUST how I felt while trying to live in an abusive marriage. The world wasn't real to me any more. Each day was just as hopeless and dark as the day before. I fell headlong into depression and despair. Would my life ever "be mine" again? That is about the time that I came "out of the fog" (frustration, obligation and guilt) and the complexities of emotions of trying to survive in an abusive relationship. One day I literally said to myself "I can't take this any more!"  I just HAD to GET BACK to MY life...somehow. I couldn't imagine that being possible, and being "stuck" and hopeless, I could not imagine the "way out". I lost "years" before I realized that my life was slipping away. My life's energy was fading and my will to "live" was dying before my eyes. "This is not my life", I screamed...at least hoping that I would hear myself and believe it before it was too late.

God made me, God can explain me...a christian view of abuse

This is a saying that I "made up" many years ago. I know that my being a wonderfully complex and intricately made female can be quite mind-boggling to those who are "trying to figure me out" and to that I reply "God made me, God CAN explain me". I really feel that we are not obligated to explain ourselves or be in a position where we must defend the right to "be who we are" and live as we choose. I have thought  of the I Love Lucy show, ok, I am showing my age with this, and Ricky would say to Lucy "Lucy, you got some "xplainnin to do" in his thick Latino accent. In abusive relationships, this fear, guilt and obligation (or FOG) to "explain ourselves" and even at times, "defend our beliefs and actions" can become all pervasive and the means by which we are controlled by those who do not seem to value us as individuals in their lives.

This even happens in "Christian" relationships. Marriages that are "in the sight of God" can be just as and even more defining, abusive, controlling and stressful than relationships without a "faith base". I believe that this is mainly due to deception. entitlement and perceived rights to  "authority" that a person that appears to be a "christian" but acts as an "abuser" has towards us. I have found many 'Christians" to be defining, judgemental and not "Christlike" as they propose. I believe that this is due to the "fake godly relationships" which are just as if not more displeasing to God as  "heathen" relationships.  The first boasts man's pride and fakes the "godliness and holiness of God" (having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof) and the second omits God in the relationship; at least honestly. 

I strongly believe that "defining" another person is abusive behavior and it is not the "right" of anyone to do that to another human being. God made me. Only God has the right to "speak into my life" and He does that by NOT defining who we are but AFFIRMING us; the ones whom HE has made and brought into existence. God made me, God can explain me and HE does not give anyone the right to define, demean, devalue and abuse me...ever.

Abuse in "christian" marriage?

I can only imagine the images that the term "abusive marriage" may conger up
in your mind but I would have to encourage you to look deeper and see that the intricate parts of relationship, marriage mainly, between a man and woman, abuse is MUCH LESS obvious than what you might first anticipate.

Let's DEFINE the term "abuse"...(Merriam-Webster)

1: a corrupt practice or custom

2: improper or excessive use or treatment : misuse 

3  obsolete : a deceitful act : deception

4: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily

5: physical maltreatment 

Verbal abuse (also known as reviling or bullying) is best described as
an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes
of control. The underlying factor in the dynamic of verbal abuse is the abuser’s low regard for him or herself. As a result, the abuser attempts to place their victim in a position to believe similar things about him or herself, a form of warped projection.

Verbal abuse may occur to a person of any gender, race, culture, sexual orientation, age, or size. Typically, verbal abuse increases in intensity over time and often escalates into physical abuse as well. During intense verbal abuse, the victim will generally suffer from low self-esteem and low self-worth. As a result, victims may fall into clinical depression and/ or post-traumatic stress disorder.

Despite being the most common form of abuse, verbal abuse is generally not taken as seriously as other types of abuse, because there is no visible proof. In reality, however, verbal abuse can be more detrimental to a person's health than physical abuse.

If started at a young age, verbal abuse contributes to codependency, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and other psychological disorders that often plague many people into adulthood.

People who feel they are being attacked by a verbal abuser on a regular basis should seek professional counsel and remove themselves from the negative environment whenever possible. Staying with a verbal abuser is damaging for a person's overall well-being; and all steps to change the situation should be pursued.

"Verbal abuse includes the following: withholding, bullying, defaming, defining, trivializing, harassing, interrogating, accusing, blaming, blocking, insulting, countering, diverting, lying, berating, taunting, putting down, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling, and raging."^[1]

Verbal Abuse and its Devastating Impact
By Patricia Evans (Verbalabuse.com)

Verbal Abuse is insidious.
Verbal Abuse is endemic.
Verbal Abuse impacts millions of people.
Verbal Abuse and its denial are crazy-making
Verbal Abuse usually occurs in secret.

If you've heard, "You're Too Sensitive" you've heard verbal abuse.

Although many people have heard sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us, those who have suffered from verbal abuse know that words do hurt and can be as damaging as physical blows are to the body. The scars from verbal assaults can last for years. They are psychological scars that leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges.

Except for name-calling many people don't recognize verbal abuse—especially when it comes from a person they believe loves them or from a person they perceive as an authority figure; or when it comes from a person who is in a position of power, for example, one's boss, a family provider, one's parent, or even an older sibling that one has learned to look up to in childhood.

Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, or “correcting,” denouncing, yelling at or ignoring them to understand them. Or, they may try to stop them by giving it back in kind. In other words, they may act out their anger.

The circumstances under which verbal abuse takes place make a real difference in how to respond to it. In the workplace, for instance, an appropriate response to a very abusive boss might be to prepare a resume or to read the want ads. On the other hand, a child can’t very well escape from an abusive parent and so we, the observers and relatives of the child must be alert and ready to speak up for him or her. Keeping a record and letting others know what is going on are often good first steps.

Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in verbal abuse are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not. 

****
Abuse is insidious, deceptive and STILL abuse. If you or someone you know, seems to have a friend or family member that behaves in the above ways, you are very likely experiencing abuse. Being a christian or believing that the "abusive party" is "christian" does NOT stop abuse from happening. As with divorce, abuse in Christian marriage is just as prevalent, if not more so, than in marriages of other or "no" faith. God does not want you to be abused.   

The angst of enlightenment

All the while I was married to “the abusive christian husband” I felt strangely aware that the saying, “I HAVE been loved” was so true for me. This was a line from the book "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. I knew that I had “been loved”. Why, oh why, had I settled to live with an abusive man who called himself a Christian but did not have the love, gentleness or respect that my “first love” had for me? My heart struggled with that question for years. I guess that I was supposed to stay married and "be happy" being abused by a christian man, being a Christian myself, and to forsake and forget thoughts of another man or the possibility of a happy life without abuse and with real love.

The dreams within my heart that I struggled with FOR YEARS were of the first man; my "first love" to whom I had loved and given my heart and body. I tried for years to get him out of my mind but I honestly didn't want to. I thought that perhaps I was still being tempted by thoughts of him because I felt so unloved in this marriage. I felt that I "should not" be thinking of him but as another song says "if loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right." I loved him and I knew that I  did. I "had been loved" by him and I still loved him with all my heart.

After nearly a year of being separated from my second and "abusive" husband, just before “the end” of the marriage, I was sitting at my computer in my office with him sitting in a chair next to me. While checking my email, I saw that a Robert “friended” me on Facebook. I looked over to him and asked, “are you friending me on Facebook?” and of course, not being computer saavy or Facebook-friendly, he replied “No, who IS friending you?”. It turned out to be my “first grade boyfriend”. “Oh my gosh, it's Bobby!” I howled. He was a really super cute young man with dark hair and eyes and a brilliant mischievous smile and wit. We would sharpen our pencils at the trash can together. I obviously must have had a soft spot for men named “Robert”. I have always loved that name. Well, I looked back to "my husband" and said “Oh, you don't have to worry about Bobby” (meaning having me being “taken away from him by Bobby” that is) and I added very honestly and boldly “NOW, if GCD "friends" me on Facebook THEN you can worry”...I even laughed about it but little did I know the fullness of the TRUTH that I blurted out.

The "Dark Ages" would soon be replaced by the Age of Enlightenment as my heart shone with the truth of the love that it had hid for G for all these years. Within five months from that moment, what had been “just a dream” of G finding me on Facebook and ever seeing each other again felt like a possibility. It seemed to visually break through the ethereal longing, desire and hope that I had hid in my heart. It's substance was infused with life that kindled the fire within my soul for his touch. I believed that he "must also love me" in the same way after all these years. I listened to my heart's cry, finally. I allowed myself to hear it's truth and hope for the love that I had known had been in my heart all those years.

Listen to your heart

There have been so many times in my live, as I realize now, that I had turned away from hearing what my heart was trying to say to me. I callously responded to the "cry of my heart" with; "that is impossible", "it can't be done". I could not hear or maybe didn't want to hear what my heart really wanted me to know at least not until I realized just how beautifully made it was. It was only then, that I had to listen to what it had to tell me...

I was in my apartment as a "single again" christian woman as I looked at the beautiful Capodimonte red rose blossom that my mom had purchased for me at a gift shop while we were at lunch some months earlier. It was sitting on a table in my apartment. As I stopped and looked at it one day, I took a moment to ponder its beauty and as if I was talking to it, I said "You are so beautiful and crafted with such detail"...I heard God's voice say  to me:

"I love you more than this rose. 

You are MORE beautiful 

and 

I have fashioned the details of your life 

with MORE care than this piece of porcelain. 

You are more precious to me 

and more beautiful 

than ALL the roses in the world".

I cried with huge tears of gratefulness for FEELING so loved that God would "use" a Capodimonte porcelain rose to tell me of "how beautiful and loved" that I really am. I had identified my SELF as a "rose" being that it was my family name, my favorite flower and that I had decorated my first "single again" apartment in a rose motif, this touched my heart deeply. I was SEEN by God and deemed beautiful; my life and heart have been carefully crafted with delicate detail by the Master's hand. I was was beautiful and worthy of love.

My mind went back to the night BEFORE my marriage to my first husband; nearly 3 years after the beginning of the "Dark Ages", the time that G and I spent away from each other. I realized that this man I was about to marry "was not G" and had "not intellectually stimulated me as G. had done". My heart collapsed into despair. Not only was I resigning myself to a life without love but also a life without intellectual stimulation and challenge. A life without G. This would become the darkest day of my life.

As I stood before my rose on that day, I could then "hear my heart"...the heart that had cried out "to be loved" and it was then that I heard my heart say

"I have been loved" 

(line from the book Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte). I knew that I HAVE been loved. I knew that G loved me and that I had BEEN loved by him. I HAD loved this man and felt his love for me and LONGED for it.

A heart that has been abused and unloved finds itself sometimes unworthy of love. Even love that it had known before. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are all "worthy of love" and it is ONLY then that we will "hear our hearts" and pursue the love that we had known before.

Independence Day celebration...I am free from abuse.

This is the third  Independence Day that I have been able to truly celebrate my independence from abuse. Freedom. We take it SO for granted. Maybe we even thought that being married "to a christian" would "free us" from the woes of the "World" and we would not "suffer" as some do...WRONG! The divorce rate for Christians is NO different than the divorce rate for the general population and this should NOT be so! We are "freed" to be FREE in deed!!!! We are not "set free" to be "in bondage" to a "christian husband" who is pounding his fist and screaming "You will submit to me"...Yes, I know the above "scene" sounds improbable and surreal; but it happened and it happened to me MORE than once while I was living with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered man who was masquerading as a "christian"...I don't apologize for my perspective as I truly believe that HE BELIEVES that he is a christian but I am convinced that he is "deceived and deceives others", he is one that is referred to "as a wolf in sheep's clothing".

This is such a "crazy-making" concept that if your head is spinning right now, I apologize but I will clarify that it is NORMAL to feel confused and dazed at such "behavior". It is abuse and that is what abuse does to its victims; stuns them and as they "lie there" trying to get enough strength to get up and run away, more verbally abusive words are thrown at them such as "you are worthless", "who would want you?"..."You are a contentious, disobedient, un submissive wife who needs to be chastised"..."You deserve to be treated the same way that you have treated me" and one of the MORE crazy-making statements that I have ever heard is "I have always loved you and treated you the best that any man WILL ever treat a woman"...Being so dazed and confused, a woman's self esteem is shattered as her soul and any dreams for a "happy life" escape. She remains "in bondage" to the vows that she made in "good faith" to a man whom she believed would "love, honour and cherish" her all the days of her life. She feels stuck, lost and unloved...this is NO way for a "Christian marriage" to be.

On this Independence Day, let us also celebrate the personal freedom to live "as we are"; we are "free to be" the "me" that only God created and He has NOT taken away that right and given His power to any person who would use it to abuse us...enjoy FREEDOM today and say NO to abuse.

BTW: I went to a fireworks display and celebrated this freedom with "bombs bursting in air"...the "bombs" of abuse that are NO LONGER in my life...