The angst of enlightenment

All the while I was married to “the abusive christian husband” I felt strangely aware that the saying, “I HAVE been loved” was so true for me. This was a line from the book "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. I knew that I had “been loved”. Why, oh why, had I settled to live with an abusive man who called himself a Christian but did not have the love, gentleness or respect that my “first love” had for me? My heart struggled with that question for years. I guess that I was supposed to stay married and "be happy" being abused by a christian man, being a Christian myself, and to forsake and forget thoughts of another man or the possibility of a happy life without abuse and with real love.

The dreams within my heart that I struggled with FOR YEARS were of the first man; my "first love" to whom I had loved and given my heart and body. I tried for years to get him out of my mind but I honestly didn't want to. I thought that perhaps I was still being tempted by thoughts of him because I felt so unloved in this marriage. I felt that I "should not" be thinking of him but as another song says "if loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right." I loved him and I knew that I  did. I "had been loved" by him and I still loved him with all my heart.

After nearly a year of being separated from my second and "abusive" husband, just before “the end” of the marriage, I was sitting at my computer in my office with him sitting in a chair next to me. While checking my email, I saw that a Robert “friended” me on Facebook. I looked over to him and asked, “are you friending me on Facebook?” and of course, not being computer saavy or Facebook-friendly, he replied “No, who IS friending you?”. It turned out to be my “first grade boyfriend”. “Oh my gosh, it's Bobby!” I howled. He was a really super cute young man with dark hair and eyes and a brilliant mischievous smile and wit. We would sharpen our pencils at the trash can together. I obviously must have had a soft spot for men named “Robert”. I have always loved that name. Well, I looked back to "my husband" and said “Oh, you don't have to worry about Bobby” (meaning having me being “taken away from him by Bobby” that is) and I added very honestly and boldly “NOW, if GCD "friends" me on Facebook THEN you can worry”...I even laughed about it but little did I know the fullness of the TRUTH that I blurted out.

The "Dark Ages" would soon be replaced by the Age of Enlightenment as my heart shone with the truth of the love that it had hid for G for all these years. Within five months from that moment, what had been “just a dream” of G finding me on Facebook and ever seeing each other again felt like a possibility. It seemed to visually break through the ethereal longing, desire and hope that I had hid in my heart. It's substance was infused with life that kindled the fire within my soul for his touch. I believed that he "must also love me" in the same way after all these years. I listened to my heart's cry, finally. I allowed myself to hear it's truth and hope for the love that I had known had been in my heart all those years.