Life. It can pass us by so quickly. All we need to do is "turn around" to see that the years fly by and we are standing looking back onto a life that we didn't get to fully live. That is how abuse has affected me. There were times that I "wished my life away" by hoping that I could get through another "crazy abuse cycle" and another frustrating and inane conversation that seem more of a tug-of-war than a meeting of minds. Crazy. Just trying to make sense out of the events that have taken place can be mind-boggling. Add a child to this mix and you have a protective mom with her cub standing up against lies, manipulation, verbal abuse, emotional trauma and turmoil, more lies and deceit, parental alienation and sabotage of other relationships. I had been sucked into the whirlwind of deceit and charm and tossed about by the crazy making confusion of an alternate reality until my mind was blown off course of my life plan. What I thought was a "life", was truly a disaster, a trauma, a devastation left by the mind bending contortions and soul crushing frustration of living in an abusive marriage with a personality disordered man.
I look back and say just as Robin William's character in Mrs. Doubfire said: Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say "this is not my life"? This is JUST how I felt while trying to live in an abusive marriage. The world wasn't real to me any more. Each day was just as hopeless and dark as the day before. I fell headlong into depression and despair. Would my life ever "be mine" again? That is about the time that I came "out of the fog" (frustration, obligation and guilt) and the complexities of emotions of trying to survive in an abusive relationship. One day I literally said to myself "I can't take this any more!" I just HAD to GET BACK to MY life...somehow. I couldn't imagine that being possible, and being "stuck" and hopeless, I could not imagine the "way out". I lost "years" before I realized that my life was slipping away. My life's energy was fading and my will to "live" was dying before my eyes. "This is not my life", I screamed...at least hoping that I would hear myself and believe it before it was too late.
I look back and say just as Robin William's character in Mrs. Doubfire said: Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say "this is not my life"? This is JUST how I felt while trying to live in an abusive marriage. The world wasn't real to me any more. Each day was just as hopeless and dark as the day before. I fell headlong into depression and despair. Would my life ever "be mine" again? That is about the time that I came "out of the fog" (frustration, obligation and guilt) and the complexities of emotions of trying to survive in an abusive relationship. One day I literally said to myself "I can't take this any more!" I just HAD to GET BACK to MY life...somehow. I couldn't imagine that being possible, and being "stuck" and hopeless, I could not imagine the "way out". I lost "years" before I realized that my life was slipping away. My life's energy was fading and my will to "live" was dying before my eyes. "This is not my life", I screamed...at least hoping that I would hear myself and believe it before it was too late.
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