When I was too afraid to dream

I really love Amish buggies. I love to hear the clippity-clop of the horses hooves and the "jingle tingle" of their reigns on a gravelled Amish road as I enviously drive by in a contraption called an automobile. I love Canada geese, not Canadian as we think; but CANADA geese as they fly in their V-shaped caravan, honking grievously to each other. What music. I have always loves these two special moments in life but I suppressed my simple joys when I was constantly ridiculed for acting "like a child" in front of my own children. The joy of life (joie de vivre) was snatched from me by the attitudes, opinions and thoughts and demands of a selfish person. One whom I had trusted and loved had proved that he was no more a friend to me than a stranger and eventually became known to be only a Narcissist who used me to "make his way in the world". I didn't have any dreams that involved such a person. I stopped dreaming. I stopped living. I was too afraid to "dream the impossible dream" of living a life without oppression and abuse. I only wanted to dream of living a life where I could "be me" and enjoy all the wonders that the universe holds. But I was too afraid to dream.

I loved Cinderella with Lesley Ann Warren and Stuart Damon as a child. In many ways, I could relate to Cinderella in the song "In my own little corner" and I carried that sentiment with me into what appeared to be a hopefully good relationship with my second husband. There were days that I clung to the hope and glow of the inner life that no one could take from me.

I came to a point in my life where I retreated from this life; in denial of my true situation and "withdrew myself into my "world of music". My refuge from the harsh realities of life where the REAL life of the soul could flourish. I felt selfish in ways that I did not want my abuser to "be there" with me. He never was. This was MY refuge from him; from the abuse and oppression which kept me FROM my music for several years. It was then and only there, that I wasn't afraid to dream again.

Some people dream of worthy accomplishments,  while others stay awake and do them.
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