My Jewish "Papa"...Max Curtis

Max Curtis

I met a Holocaust Survivor many years ago named Max Curtis (formerly named Mordecai Kuritski) from Lithuania. He was a gentle and loving man with a warm and genuine smile and a hug that was PROOF that love existed. I remember the day, sitting at the banquet table having coffee and "nosh" after Shabbat service and he wrestled with his sleeve cuff while telling us that he had been in a concentration camp. My eyes averted, my heart screamed "I don't want to see this" but a voice spoke to me and said "You must see this, it happened" and that is when he showed us his numbered arm.



Of course I did not call him "Papa" at first. Though he was a kind, elderly gentleman and was of the age that he could have easily been my father (and nearly grandfather) I called him Max until one day... 

Using my faith to abuse me

I lived with a "christian abuser"...
I might have well just said I lived with a "Christ-abuser" or "Christianity abuser" because he did not only abuse me but he totally used and abused the seemingly "good things of religion" in about any way he could. It has really made me take a closer look at WHY we have the faith that we do.

After ten years of living with emotional, spiritual and verbal abuse, I started to look at his motivation for his need to control and disrespect me. He called it "being my head" or how I should "submit" to him as my "head". I could not begin to imagine that MY assumption of his "faith" actually perpetuated the abuse that I did not want to acknowledge or believe existed. HOW could a person who was a Christian BE abusive? I don't believe that it is possible.

  

I don't know if God exists, 

but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

~Jules Renard

It's all a matter of perception...

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” 

(Lao Tzu)

     Some may see a beautiful flower with a butterfly landing upon a slightly opened blossom. Others, perhaps see a beautiful woman. It all depends upon HOW we look at things. Do we accept the first things that we see as truth or do we look deeper to find a beauty that others may not seek?
     Reality. Some say that it is overrated but for the most part, isn't reality simply OUR perception of ourselves and the world in which we live?

     It seems to me that the biggest obstacles that we face in life may stem from our struggle with our concept of self-image and self-acceptance. If we want to appear to "be a certain way" and believe that our person is "honourable, honest or loving" for example, then we expect that all of our behavior WILL fall into a category congruent with that character. When it does not, cognitive dissonance; or "rationalization" as it can be called, calls for reduction of that dissonance.This is a very psychically painful situation and requires immediate attention and action.

It appears to me that the only way 

to truly find out "who you are" 

is to be willing to "let go" 

of who you think you are...

Walking through the pain

As I try to document and share my healing journey from abuse, I can't help but distinctly remembering how PAINFUL the process has been. Abuse is painful; when the damage is BEING DONE and the wound is being created. When the scarred wound is opened to be cleansed, it feels like it is MORE painful than the initial wound. We may fear the pain or what it may reveal to us about ourselves or others but THIS is a necessary part of the healing process. Many others survivors, including myself, have admitted to RUNNING AWAY from the pain...the pain that we really need to "walk through" in order to process and heal from abuse.

FOCUS on LIFE... Finding me, healing from abuse and daring to dream again

As my Personal Note of Welcome to my blog says:

I realize that my writing is not for everyone; 

it is for the HURT and the HOPEFUL; 

for those who want to "find themselves" 

and learn to DREAM AGAIN! 

First of a series of three main purposes for this blog 

Part One:
FINDING ME 

I never had a moment when I said to myself, I have "lost me" but during extreme mind-altering abuse, I felt the deep and oppressive FEAR that I WAS losing myself. Prior to that abuse, as a young teen, I was seeking my identity but this journey goes FAR beyond self-discovery. This is more like self-reclamation. In the midst of having a once significant person, spouse in this case, define and tell me who I am and "how I should be" and verbally undermine my sense of confidence in my own abilities with constant and insidious criticism, I realized that I was "losing sense of my self". My person was under perpetual attack. It felt like I was the target and the mission was to DESTROY who I was so that I would no longer be a threat to his delusional reality.

Self-affirmation doesn't have to be a gamble

Ok, I am dating myself here but I loved some of the music from the 80s. I have just realized just HOW self-affirming many of these songs were to me at that time and in listening to them again today, they still are. "I'm O.K." by Styx is a very affirming and motivating and empowering message in song.  It just seems that we are always trying to "find ourselves"; feeling good about ourselves seems to be a rarer commodity these days. I had always wondered what the "chant" meant that started the song...it is an allusion to gambling, shooting craps. I don't think of the process or success in "finding ourselves" is anything like a game of chance, but we though we may not be looking to win the jackpot or lose our shirts we DO have to "roll the dice" if we want to win. We may have to be willing to "take chances" until we "find the person we've been looking for"

I'm O.K by Styx on Youtube/no video

  I'm O.K.

Written by Dennis DeYoung

Hey, 

Hey, 

Hey, 

Hey, 

Eight, Skate, 

Seven on the Rotate!

(term used in shooting craps)
 

If I could stand

Beside myself

Would I see me or maybe someone else

“When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this - you haven't.” ― ---------- Thomas A. Edison

I love this; "when you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this- you haven't"...
leave it up to Thomas A. Edison to leave us with another wonderful truism. Of all people, he would have truly known this. He created THOUSANDS of wonderful, life-changing inventions and realized that UNTIL he succeeded; failure was just another attempt to show him how it was NOT to be done.

What IS peace and how do I get it in my life????

(Inner) Peace

 is much more than the absence of conflict;
it is the FULL ACCEPTANCE of "what is". 

Courtesy of soothingpictures.blogspot.com

Haven't we ALL had moments or spans of time in our lives when we looked for peace only to find "mediocre" living and due to the damage of abuse on our self-esteem, we may "feel" that we do not deserve "any better" than that? Peace becomes a "pie in the sky" concept, something unattainable because we cannot control our external environment. 

The Search for Self; personal growth and healing

I found the most awesome poem; Sandra Kring (thank you Sandra) has written a poignant and "spot on" poem about our SELVES.

If you want to find yourself 
but don’t know where to look, 

search for who you were before you were told to sit down and shut up;  
there will be your spirit.

Search for the traits you both admire and abhor; 
there will be your nature.

Search for what you give away;
there will be your needs.

Search for what brings you to life;
there will be your heart.

Search everywhere; 

there will be Self trying to find its way home 

~ by Sandra Kring

Closer to my future than ever before

It is a bit whimsical but then again, this is the start of a New Year and we are permitted to wax nostalgic and whimsy if we like. I used to think, so many years ago, that my "future" was "somewhere out there" but maybe it is because I am becoming wiser with my years that my future "seems closer than ever before". Do you remember when you would ask yourself "What will I study in college?", "What do I want to do for a living?", "What kind of person do I want to spend the rest of my life with?". I am sure that we have all had similar questions.


Did we ever STOP to ask ourselves "What will I do TODAY that will affect me the REST of my life?", "What choices do I need to make TODAY to KEEP me on the path that I want to be on?", "Who should I allow in my "inner circle" and how will I establish healthy boundaries TODAY that will open my life up to abuse and unhealthy relationships?". See? Our future is MUCH closer than we have previously thought.

One step at a time

Life can become SO overwhelming that we just stop doing what we really enjoy doing and end up "numbing out" either in front of the TV or some other recreation. Progress of healing TAKES TIME and patience. If anyone is WORTH our time and patience, it is ourselves!
At our most desperate moments; we may not be able to envision freedom from all we've experienced... 


but we ARE worth trying!!!