Breaking free and being ME

Have you had a difficult time in not only keeping but MAKING New Year's resolutions when you have felt that you "were not in control of your life?" When I was a teen, I would write "New Year's Thank You letters" or poems to people who had invested in my life during the previous year. I felt that it was the least that I could do; a practice in gratitude and "paying back" for all the good that had been done for me. I continued this practice for many years and then I stopped. I wondered why I had stopped writing "thank yous"? Had I stopped being grateful or had I stopped "Celebrating New Years" and with it the ceasing of this New Year's ritual? I realize now, many years hence,

Check out: Favorite Links (right)

and Resources for healing

from abuse Page (above)

We see a lot of very helpful information on the web. We can make a new recipe, find directions for our vacation complete with hotel accommodations and restaurants. We can read the daily local news and see the headlines from all over the world. What has been most helpful to me are the many VERY helpful websites and blogs regarding abuse and how to heal from it.

To vulnerably share that I have lived through abuse: sexual, physical, emotional, verbal and spiritual is something that I would have rather NOT experienced it but I am very thankful for surviving it. My resourceful websites have allowed me to work through my healing at my pace. I appreciate them all.

Like so many others, in ways who might have experience ever greater or longer periods of abuse than I have, I WISHED that I had "JUST ONE PERSON" who could understand "where I was at" and could validate and support me with their personal success story.

The end of 2011 is quickly approaching. Isn't it strange, when we stop to look at it,we may be actually looking forward to the end only to start a new beginning? As some have said, we could "wish our lives away" if we are not careful. Do we REALLY have to wait for our future to arrive before we can believe in our dreams? I know through personal experience that we do NOT have to "just hope" anymore.

Christmastime has always been a time of family; colored lights and tinsel, beautifully wrapped gifts and good food with our family around a large table. The smells of sugar cookies and pine from the freshly cut tree. For me it also meant MUSIC; Handel's Messiah (Oratorio, I sing soprano) and Christmas caroling, concerts and cantatas. It was magical.

I remember understanding the "true meaning of Christmas" for the first time

I haven't always celebrated Chanukkah...
it was 1995 when I realized that Judaism was the foundation of Christianity as Jesus was born a Jew. I had not previously been raised Jewish or had experienced anything of the Jewish culture. I started attending a "Messianic Synagogue" (even in some Christian and even NON-Christian circles; these are referred to as MESSYanic). It is a place which holds to the truth that Jesus *Yeshua* is the Messiah; for Jews and Gentiles. They celebrate the Jewish Holy Days rather than the Christian (pagan -originated) holidays.

As many have said "Chanukkah is not the Jewish Christmas!" and that is so right. Hanukkah is the wonderful commemoration of God's faithfulness to restore what had been taken and defiled from His people, Israel. The Festival of Lights is a constant and loving reminder that "nothing is so defiled that it cannot be restored".

Light. Truth. Love. Power. All words are synonymous
in ways and perhaps the reason why that Light is a common symbol of many holidays. Lights and candles are used year round in many homes but none are consumed as much as when they symbolize truth and intimacy; intimate romantic dinners where the proposal of marriage may take place, the lighting of one candle in a marriage ceremony, the light of candles or battery -powered lights carried by carollers or the flame of one candle as it is passed to another in either a Christmas or New Year's Eve celebration.

How many times have we stood pulling at a closed door, trying to pry it open with all our might only to become angry that it will not reopen and do NOT see that an opened door to a new life is waiting for us? I have found all too often that abuse has attempted to destroy many lives. We look back to see what "we have left" we can feel frustrated, obligated or guilty (FOG; see Out of the FOG.net ).

Sometimes it is not until we can SEE that another door is opening before us are we assured that WE HAVE THE RIGHT to turn our backs on the past abuse and neglect and destruction that has plagued our lives. It is only THEN can we GO THROUGH the open door instead of wasting our energy wrestling with the closed door; as if we can "go back and live the past over" and make it better this time, it just doesn't work that way.

I think it is a good thing to be introspective, to delve into our hearts and help clean out the muck and mire of damage that has been allowed to dwell there and fill it up with good things but there is a time and place for everything.

I can only imagine that if you who are reading this blog and have NOT been in an abusive relationship (I would only hope that is the case); that you may not be able to fully understand the depth and destruction of abuse in our lives. The daily stress of trying to comply and please an unappeasable person is just plain crazy. It can lead to health related diseases, depression and even self-harm. It is a daily struggle for our sanity and "heart" because of the disrespectful, demeaning and discounting ways that our "loved one" acts toward us.

I had sat at the dawn of a day and meditated and prayed about my life and what grand purpose the remainder of my time on this planet might hold. Hearing the bullfrogs croak, the crisp crackling of the grass drying under the rising warm sun's rays and seeing the vast landscape ahead of me allowed me to see that there is a start to everything; even every new day. After living through years of domestic abuse, I finally felt that it was time that I deserved to "start over".

Finding our voice.

That is what a survivor of abuse HAS TO DO in order to become a survivor and SPEAK OUT against abuse. As a singer, I have always been expressive through my music. Finding "my voice" in speaking out negativity and abuse has been the hardest challenge in my life. I am now trying to SPEAK OUT and use "my voice" to encourage others to "find their heart song and sing it".

I love what the Poet Rumi said "Let what you love BE what you DO". Sometimes we have to just remind ourselves "to love" and enjoy the beauty within us as well as the beauty surrounding us. Life is so short and there is SO much beauty to discover and enjoy; sometimes we forget to "look within" and find the beauty IN ourselves.

Discontent is the first necessity of progress.

Thomas A. Edison

I think that we often think of "not being happy" or at times, feeling disappointed and with that I feel that we have missed out on one of the truest and purest feelings that we have...contentment.

To be content is to feel no lack for the essentials of life.

I have recently quoted myself as saying:

I will not treat myself LESS than I deserve

to give him (an abuser) MUCH MORE than he deserves.

I thought that this was a pretty insightful thought. I HAD allowed myself to have and enjoy FAR LESS than I deserved only to give MUCH MORE of myself, my life and my resources to a "taker" who did NOT deserve it.

Setting boundaries in an abusive relationship usually heralds praises of "how strong" we are to have "made the decision" to stand up for ourselves. But I did not feel strong enough to make that decision until I became stronger BY making the decision to live an abuse free live; one of peace and love which not only myself but every person deserves to live.

I had come to realize that the PAIN OF STAYING in the relationship was GREATER than the fear of leaving it and living my life as I believe it "should be" lived.

When the PAIN (of staying) is greater than the FEAR (of and in leaving),

you will BE stronger than you think!

I have made a choice to live my life according to my values and conscience and not be controlled, manipulated and disrespected by anyone. I am hoping that you will find that place in your heart and mind if you are seeking to be free from abuse in your life.

You ARE stronger than you think. YOUR LIFE CAN BE what you want it to be...

just do it!

My mom quoted this saying, thought to have originated from the Appalachian hills of West Virginia where her maternal German immigrant grandparents settled to farm. Maybe hearing this saying all my life has helped me to put worry in its place. It has always been an useless but eager consumer of my energy that provided NO benefit at all. I would even say that "worry" is really no more than "our desire to control the uncontrollable" and when put that way; it sounds as absurd as I have seen it all these years.

Do you remember the magical moment in the movie, The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy opened the door to their drab black and white tornado blown house into the full colorful land of Oz? I can still remember the first time that I experienced the awe of that magical moment and so many times afterwards I still felt a rush of joy and excitement in the anticipation that Dorothy "isn't in Kansas anymore" and has a full color adventure ahead of her.

In many ways, living in an abusive, unloving marriage is very much like living a "black and white" existence.

We are again, looking forward to Thanksgiving Day (here in the U.S. and Canada.) We may think of "giving thanks" on this day but have we really asked ourselves if we have an attitude of GRATITUDE toward life and the good things that we have and experience in it? This Thanksgiving Day is the FIRST one since Nov. 28, 1985; the day the dark ages started that I will be able to spend it with my first love, best friend and soon to be husband and also my son and many friends. It is also the first Thanksgiving Day that I will experience without my mom; having lost her to cancer in September. Life really doesn't seem very fair in ways. My mom knew that I had reunited with my first love and that we would be married soon; she was really happy knowing how much I have loved him and felt loved by him. As ironic as it has already been stated, though my mom is not with us, knowing that I am where I "should have been" all along somehow seems to make it the BEST Thanksgiving Day ever in my life. A sad and bittersweet smile comes over my face with that thought.

Now, as for being thankful, I have ALWAYS been thankful. I have always felt grateful rather than entitled to happiness. I have always felt blessed and loved and been very grateful for the love that others have allowed me to share with them.

This Thanksgiving Day I want to thank SARAH, my dear friend

who believed in my dream of being with my first love again

and who listened tirelessly at all my kvetching and confusion while working

through domestic abuse...Even though neither of us really believed that I would ever be free of an abusive husband, she refused to deny my dream

and did everything she could to help see my dream come true.

I love you Bud!!!

I have to send an heartfelt "thank you" to SHERRI, my dear friend

who has never failed to be loving and genuine with me. Her kindness and

beautiful ways always encouraged me to be the woman who I really am.

You are precious to me, I love you.

I send a BIG Thank You to PAULA, who has been a dear friend

for many years and seen me through the majority of both happy single hood

(again) and then abusive marriage for the next 12 years. She encouraged me

to not give up on myself and to trust God to work it all out.

Thank you for "holding my arms up" in the midst of the battle.

You are my heroine. I love you!

These three very precious friends have helped me come to live out my dream and they believed in me and validated me at times when I did not believe in myself. They never doubted what I shared with them of my love for my first love and my dreams of being with him. I am thankful that each of these dear friends are happy for me...that is what makes Thanksgiving Day so special to me this year.

What about you?

Having gone through and thankfully, gotten OUT of an abusive marriage, I can really understand how one person can 'lay the blame' for their problems on someone other than themselves. Personality disordered persons (also known in medical circles as the "mentally ill"), especially with the types that I have been in relationship with such as the Obsessive Compulsive and Narcissistic Personality Disordered man, BLAME is their game to alleviate themselves of the pain and fear of personal introspection that would certainly lead to a major personality and mental overhaul which very few seem willing to even admit to needing. Taking personal responsibility for my actions, affirming that I have the right to make good decisions to make the necessary life changes that affect me positively (in spite of controlling persons telling me otherwise) will be the focus of this entry.

We can make positive choices to influence our lives for the better

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

John Lennon (1940 - 1980), "Beautiful Boy"

I enjoy a good movie. One of my favorite movies with Richard Dreyfuss is "Mr. Holland's Opus"(1995). The above quote was taken from the movie; a very poignant and touching look at REAL life and if you haven't seen it I would like to HIGHLY recommend it to you. As in real life, the movie takes Mr. Glenn Holland from his young adulthood right out of college to his retirement from being a school music teacher; not the famous career that he had hoped for all of his life. It is as though Mr. Holland was always "working on his Opus" and not until the end of the story, (not a spoiler, don't worry), does he begin to realize that the journey WAS the life that he wanted all along and the destination was not the prize that he was truly seeking.

Life's a journey, not a destination.

Steven Tyler

(NOW; THIS is a spoiler warning; one of the LAST scenes of the movie)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Adult Gertrude Lang:
Mr. Holland had a profound influence on my life and on a lot of lives I know. But I have a feeling that he considers a great part of his own life misspent. Rumor had it he was always working on this symphony of his. And this was going to make him famous, rich, probably both. But Mr. Holland isn't rich and he isn't famous, at least not outside of our little town. So it might be easy for him to think himself a failure. But he would be wrong, because I think that he's achieved a success far beyond riches and fame. Look around you. There is not a life in this room that you have not touched, and each of us is a better person because of you. We are your symphony Mr. Holland. We are the melodies and the notes of your opus.
We are the music of your life.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We have heard that "life is what we make it". It doesn't have to be something that "happens to us", we can intentionally enjoy the daily journey of living, loving and growing and if perchance we "don't quite make our destination", we will be happy knowing that we have enjoyed the journey. It is like being on an Autumn road trip; sometimes it doesn't matter where you are going as long as you are enjoying the scenery along the way.

If we "don't' quite make the destination" that we had initially planned, hopefully we can look back on our lives and and say "that was really a good ride".

Haven't we all asked the question "What is the purpose of life?" We ask "Is this ALL my life is about, isn't there ANY more to it than THIS?", "WHO should I trust?", "WHAT can I do?", "WHEN will it be "my turn" for happiness?", "WHERE do I look for peace in my life?" or even "WHY does he treat me so badly; will he ever change and respect me as I deserve"?

HOW can I cope with all of this?"

The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning.

Uncertainty is the very condition

to impel man to unfold his powers.
Erich Fromm

We ALL seem to want a final answer and get "resolve" on the sometimes unresolvable issues in our lives. I think a great part of stress for me is NOT having the "final answer" but finding that I had to make decisions that affected my life POSITIVELY without all the information "that I would have liked to have had". I say it that way because, sometimes, a NON-answer CAN BE answer enough for us. If we let it be, that is. I try to ask myself and challenge you to ask yourself

"What do I really want in (or out of) life?"

Take a moment to listen and be inspired by this wonderful song and video:

"Everything" by Barbra Streisand

(courtesy of www.LoveSpeakes.com)

If you are like me, you want happiness, health, freedom to "be who you really are" and love on a daily basis. That answer does not place any need or desire on "knowing the answer for every question" that I have in life. Isn't that funny? NOT having the answer may not affect the quality and enjoyment of my life...That is a great realization. It is not so much the end result (having the answer) that matters but HOW we learn to cope with living with uncertainty that is out of our control and realm of influence. Uncertainty can thwart our plans, slow us down or discourage us but sometimes not "having the answer" could be answer enough for us if we only ask ourselves "what do I really want?" .

If I run across a magic Genie's lamp on a beach; I know that one of my "three wishes" would NOT be to "know the answer to every question" but I would make sure that ONE wish would be that I have all that I need to live life to the fullest and "let the uncertainties be what they will".

"Uncertainty is the only certainty there is,

and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security."

John Allen Paulos

If this feel that this entry was inspiring or gave you a glimmer of hope that you had not felt before; please comment or check a REACTIONS box below. Thanks.

I can only imagine that if you who are reading this blog, have NOT been in an abusive relationship (I would only hope that is the case); that you may not be able to fully understand the depth and destruction of abuse in our lives. Daily stress of common life instance are complicated and turned into drama when we attempt to try to please an unappeasable person who exhibits "Just Plain Senseless" behavior as coined by Patricia Evans in her book, Victory over Verbal Abuse.

As I see it, abuse really boils down to ONE thing; just one characteristic that EACH abusive person exhibits and I will pose this question:

Why does it seem to be that ONE characteristic

of a personality disordered person (or abusive person)

seems to be that they do not "take someone's NO" for an answer?

Learning to say "NO", I propose is the answer to dealing with any abuse.

JUST SAY NO.

Where do we start in a path of healing from past abuse and going onto personal growth? I propose that we start with our selves.

I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes.

What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself.

To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

In looking at the quote from the author of "The Little Prince", I can see that it is NOT what another person thinks of us but what we think of us that determines our self-respect and in many ways, happiness for being and living as an unique and wonderful human being. Without respect for oneself, I question if we we have respect for others. Much like love, respect requires that we have it "inwardly" to express it outwardly. What do you think of yourself today? Do you have self-respect? Have you allowed someone to disrespect you and/or undermine your self-respect?

In my struggle for self-respect and freedom from abuse, I and many others have repeatedly reported that they were accused of "being selfish". THIS statement by an abusive family member or spouse is not the right of anyone and is intentionally meant to demean us as St. Exupery stated above. Personally, I know myself enough to clearly say that the abuse kept me away from seeking my self-worth and self-respect, and subsequently, my increasing self-respect and knowledge of self-worth improved and was made more evident in my life. As my self-respect increased, the more I could see that I was NOT being respected by the "one person" who SHOULD have respected me the most. The more I realized that I was being disrespected and ultimately UNLOVED, the more confidence I gained in my ability and desire to "seek out the things that are me"; like my music, writing, singing, beaded jewelry making, etc. The more I enjoyed being me, the greater my self-respect increased and with it my creativity, personhood and my own enjoyment of my life. This has been my self-respect healing cycle.

And it all started with me saying NO to abuse

and "telling myself"

that though I did not feel very much self-worth

that I was VERY WORTHY of self-respect, love and happiness.

Would that there were an award for people

who come to understand the concept of enough.

Good enough.

Successful enough.

Thin enough.

Rich enough.

Socially responsible enough.

When you have self-respect,

you have enough.

Gail Sheehy

I love the concept of "being enough". So many times in the course of dealing with abuse, I have explained my frustration at not being able to appease or please an abuser by saying "NOTHING that I do is good enough". I am at the point in my healing that I can now clarify this statement and say that I probably meant: "I will never be good enough for one who will not accept and respect me as a person". Accepting that "we are ok" (and not allow ourselves to be abused) NO MATTER WHAT someone else says is CRUCIAL to developing and nurturing self-respect.

"Today I am enough.

I am smart enough.

Wise enough.

Clever enough.

Resourceful enough.

Able enough.

Confident enough.

I am connected to enough people to accomplish my heart's desire.

I have enough ideas to pull off magic and miracles.

Enough is all I need.

Enough is what I have.

I am more than enough."

Mark Victor Hansen

I am MORE than enough. Can you say that with me today? I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH and

I have every right to speak out against abuse toward me.
I have every right to live in peace and to live with those whom I love and who love and respect me in return.
I have every right to NOT BE ABUSED and respect myself.
I have every right to emotionally and intellectually heal from past abuse and nurture myself in personal growth so that I can live out my dreams.

I AM WORTH IT because I am enough!

This above all, to thine own self be true.

~ William Shakespeare

NO matter what happens in this life; I just want to scream: to YOUR OWN SELF...BE TRUE!
I strongly believe that people are so messed up in this world today because that they have learned to LIE to themselves, live in denial and BE dishonest with themselves about who they really are. They have not taken William's quote and applied it to their lives; "to thine own self, be true".

Truth hurts - not the searching after; the running from!

~John Eyberg

How many times have we "run from ourselves". A song from the musical "Pippin" called Simple Joys (Ben Vereen- Simple Joys from Pippin) gleefully and truthfully states it clearly.

He ran from all the things he done,

he ran from things he'd just begun,

he ran from himself
now that's mighty far to run....

The self is a remarkably fragile yet undeniably real concept. I embrace the woman who is "me". I affirm her and acknowledge that she is unique and special in all the world and worthy of my time and attention. It might feel strange or peculiar at first to "talk about yourself" in second person but I believe that it helps me to "see me" from a more objective and respectful position. I can then "look inside me" to see who I have become and feel with great joy and sometimes great pain, the events that have formed who I am. I can calmly look at the choices that I have made and even realize that I have lately made some VERY good choices for myself and my young son and feel good about them, their effects and how it reflects upon on my personal growth and healing.

I encourage you today to NOT be afraid to "look inside yourself". I would say that very deep within you is a remarkably unique and wonderful person; just waiting for you to help him or her, get out of the bondage of abuse and pain and begin to live life fully and freely. You are worth it.

Like many others, I have been on a healing journey from abuse for many years. After having lived through years of dysfunction in my family of origin and then an abusive "Christian" marriage I have courageously explored my own heart, soul and mind in a very deep personal search for greater understanding and healing. More recently, after I finally realized that I was STILL not living the life that I had planned; I was shocked into reality and had to make a choice. I chose to start living the life that I had ONLY dreamt of. I chose to dream and NOT let go of my dreams ever again.

As Joseph Campbell was quoted to have said: I had to "be willing to let go of the life I had planned" to HAVE the life that WAS WAITING for me.

Finding Joe (the movie trailer on Youtube)

After becoming a Christian in 1985, I thought that "my plans" for my life would include some calling from God to sing and minister and write songs, perform and record for "the Kingdom". I asked God in prayer to allow me to marry "for the sake of ministry" (meaning also to have a child) including "church ministry" as I had previously done with my first husband. Being that I was a very strong christian, I felt that this was the ONLY path for my life; it WAS my life. That was until I began to understand the the christian man that I had married (and just recently divorced) was personality disordered, abusive and "just plain not nice". There were several well-meaning Christian friends who had NO idea nor understanding of domestic or "spiritual" abuse who "admonished" me to stay with him and "serve him as Christ would".

I first understood that the very disrespectful, demeaning and discounting behavior of my ex husband was not only verbal abuse but covert emotional abuse and spiritual abuse in the first three years after marriage. He constantly used "church doctrine" and elements of blame and shame to control and "put me down" so he could "be (my) spiritual head". I was demeaned to the point of depression and after the loss of a stillborn boy child, I realized that this "Christian man's" behavior was abusive and not Christlike by any stretch of the imagination. He would neither submit nor "be accountable" to any authority; no church, pastor or counselor. I spent years in counseling in order to try to adapt to plaguing depression and despair.

Regarding my faith, some might say that I have been "disillusioned" by his abuse and no longer having these goals and wanting to "take part" in religious activities is due to having been in an abusive marriage; but it is SO much more than that. It seemed that I was holding onto a religious expression because that was all that I thought "was me" during the abuse. It was the one thing that could NOT be taken from me although it was constantly attacked and it seemed that every step was taken to control me and my gift (from God) for his own personal gain. I was sickened to realize that he was NOT only NOT a Christian, but an abuser. My plans definitely changed.

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track

that has been there all the while, waiting for you,

and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living.

Follow your bliss and don't be afraid,

and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.”

― Joseph Campbell

I thought that I HAD BEEN following "my bliss" but I realize now that it was NOT my first choice. My bliss, which I now define as "being free to be me" HAD been realized with my first Love in the 80's. I was only hiding from myself while I was "being a christian", hiding from the REAL me that had known and loved and been loved by my Love.

"I have been loved"
Jane Eyre

I realize that the love and bliss that I had been hiding FROM; I had to learn to live without until this past February. There were obstacles as with all true love stories; but in the truest sense of the word; LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life.
I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking.
I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive,
so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane

will have resonances without own innermost being and reality,

so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”

― Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

I have found my bliss. I love who I am and who I am spending my life with now. I am "being alive" rather than seeking "the meaning of my life". My BEING ALIVE is my purpose and meaning for being and my search has led me back to my self.

Surviving abuse is not just a matter of heart but of mind as well. The mind bending manipulations and twisted realities of a personality disordered spouse or family member result in wounds of both the heart as well as the mind. We can only truly "speak" out of our own experience and beliefs. What we can only speak of is what come from and is within our hearts.

Above all else, guard your heart,

for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23(NIV)

We may have been careful "what we put IN our hearts" but little do we realize what had gotten into our hearts and COMES BACK OUT as the result of abuse and woundedness. After having been wounded so deeply by abuse, we may "shut off" or "close down" our hearts or "build up walls" to protect ourselves from further pain.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched -
they must be felt with the heart.

Helen Keller

I am thoroughly a "heart" person, I LIVE from my heart. For me, to live any other way is false and NOT living at all. I am warm, funny, sensitive, loving, insightful, creative, hopeful and forgiving; but one thing I am not is hard and walled up; any more that is. Abuse causes us to be cautious and protective of our hearts; we withdraw and "hide" our true selves until one day, we realize that we are losing sight of who we are. We are "losing ourselves" in the sea of abuse and neglect, pain and misery.

Here is my secret.
It is very simple.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;

What is essential is invisible to the eye.

Antoine de Saint Exupéry

This above saying comes from the book and movie titled "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint Exupéry. It is funny how WISE a children's story can be and how much an adult can learn about ones own heart by reading a story about how we should "never give up hope" and that we CAN learn if we are only willing to "be like a child" again.

The heart is the most wonderful place in the world. In it and out of it comes LIFE. Without it, I would have to ask the purpose of life; in my opinion, there would be none.

I have been found guilt and convicted...of waking up with a smile on my face. HOW COULD I NOT smile with the waking thought that I am finally with the man that I have loved FIRST and loved through almost 26 years of separation. Those years were hell for both of us. (see Back to Our Future Stories Page) So many indications and pieces of evidence are everywhere; poems, ceramic dragons (with two "baby dragons" coming out of their shells), pictures and a gold pearl ring from his mother remind us daily that we really refused to live without each other's memory though there seemed to be NO real possibility of ever seeing each other; let alone, loving each other again and for always. I think of all the years that I woke up with "dread" all over my face; my forehead squished up in pain, my teeth clenching or nerves feeling raw all over my body to where getting up out of bed was the LAST THING that I wanted to do. This is of course when my "last husband" was working nights and I DID have several good reasons to get up in the morning; one was that he was NOT lying next to me and I could get my son dressed and ready for school as well as get myself to work; all positive.

Have you ever "woken up with a smile?". If not, when you wake up after your next night's sleep, think of the ONE THING that you are waking up FOR. I could also think of my son ;now but I have had the pleasure and joy of thinking of the man lying next to me with his arm around my waist whom I have LONGED to love and BE WITH for over 25 years. I don't even try to contain or suppress that "I am happy to be alive" smile, I just enjoy it.

Thinking on "good things" is a joyful way to wake up every morning; it is really more like the REASON we WANT TO GET UP in the morning. And you know, that NOTHING can PUT that smile on our face like having what really brings us joy in our lives. When we have JOY in our lives; WE HAVE LOVE in our lives. WE DESERVE IT.

Hope your tomorrow starts out with a SMILE!

"Believe none of what you hear,

and half of what you see"

Benjamin Franklin

Mrs. Smith was my somewhat eccentric red-headed fifth grade English teacher who always had an interesting quote to share. She had insight into human development and really seemed to care about "how we learned to think"; not just "what we thought". She would share her opinion how it was abusive to not give a child clean sheets on their bed. In some ways, she taught me to "care for myself" and think about what was really important to me no matter how anyone else treated me. She taught me that I was worthwhile; in her own quirky way. She was respected but a little shunned by other teachers for her eclectic style of "teaching". I really don't remember much of her English teaching but I do remember that she "taught me about life" and for that, Mrs. Smith, I will always be grateful to you.

I have had to think long and hard about this quote for many years. You see, being a christian as I became in 1985 seemed to "teach me" that I was to "believe by faith" and not trust my reason or even try to understand outside of "God's way" of doing it. Mind you, I am not proposing that thinking is NOT part of God's plan for our lives or accepting untruths and lies and abuse IS. What I suggest is that accepting these as "His Way" and heeding the advice of "well intended believers" is NOT the intention of an Almighty Creator. At the same time, "living by faith"; which can be a very good thing does NOT mean that we trust more in others than we do ourselves.

I am convinced that God is certainly the MOST misunderstood and misquoted Being in the entire Universe. I think that God would have every right to file charges of UNIVERSAL MISREPRESENTATION of Himself and WIN every case. I have proposed this to say that there is nothing wrong to questioning your faith or your God. If either are too fragile to sustain a question, an investigation even, then maybe they aren't "big enough" to begin with.

Through my journey of healing from abuse; I have not come to a crisis of faith but a clarity of faith. I have learned and truly believe that it is not only NOT a sin to think for myself; God did give me the ability to have higher consciousness and even to have thoughts of Him but it is my right to learn about myself; learn HOW to think about myself. Learning to think FOR myself was one of the best things that I have done for myself in a LONG time.

Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.

And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.

There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart as well as in your mind.

You can love me most by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,

give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

It will nearly be a month since Mom has passed away. It still hurts me deeply to not be able to call and talk with her. My heart breaks when I see her picture and know that I would give nearly anything to give her one more hug and kiss. Tears stream down my cheeks when I think that I could not be with her in her final moments; knowing that again, my heart would break in even deeper ways if I had been. I feel like I have been gutted alive when I think that there is "no grave" to visit since her body was cremated, there are only ashes in an urn to culminate this beautiful life; it doesn't seem fair or right at all.

I can hear her voice and laughter. I see her smile; how contagious. I hear the hope and JOY in her voice that NO ONE could steal from her. I am so very thankful that she was MY Mom. I only hope to "make her proud of me" in the ways that I am raising my son; her grandson whom she loved so dearly.

My eyes may never stop crying; my heart, hopefully, will NEVER stop feeling her love for me and my love for her. I miss her so very badly.

If you are grieving the loss of a parent; please accept a cyber hug from me today.

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

Kahlil Gibran

My Mom and I in 1990 (?), she was already 66 in this picture.

Like most teenagers, I was also on the quest to "find me" during the late 70's and early 80's. Many called us the "ME generation". The Baby Boomers. However, I find myself associating MORE with the Silent generation of my elderly parents; born to them at a ripe age of 38. In this case, I propose that it is not so much the environment that shapes us but our choices that drive us to seek ways to "find ourselves" within the environment that we live.

In this day of narcissistic indulgence, there seems to be less and less time for social graces and nurturing of relationships. In all the relationships that we have in our lives, I feel that the one "with ourselves" is the one that suffers from lack of attention the most. I propose that we do not seek to "find ourselves" among others or in even "voicing out" who we are. It is only in the silence of the soul of meditations, compassion and self-love we can bring "out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else has looked quite far enough to find".(see Blog entry posted; Love by Roy Croft)

I have found my "voice" in singing music, song writing, performing, expressions of art in vision boards and beaded jewelry. I have "found myself" among the things that express who I am. I "see" me in my creations. I experience my likes and dislikes and my values. I have embraced "all that is me" within the context of our society of twisted values ( what ever happened to sex AFTER marriage?) portrayed on sit coms and television series, amongst the constant "putting down" of what I value and believe in, amidst the heartache and strain of life's challenges in raising a child today. In all of that, I have still found that "finding me" to be a priority as well as a joy in my life.

You are special and unique. You are worth finding. If you are seeking joy in your life; start by seeking the real you; by "finding you" and frame your live with the beauty of what you love and "Let the beauty of what you love be what you do". (Jalal ad-Din Rumi, 1207-1273)

I found a wonderful article on the Stages of Healing; written for the supporter of a abuse survivor (whether it be sexual, emotional, verbal or physical) as well as FOR the abuse survivor to become familiar with the "stages" that will most likely be faced on her healing journey. To encourage you on your healing journey; I have added a POLL to the right. Please spend some time "just for you" to read the following article and answer the Poll.... for yourself. You deserve to HEAL from abuse and DREAM again!

Stages of Healing

It is important that people who support survivors understand the healing process. Healing is never a straightforward progress. It might best be described as a spiral. A survivor on her healing journey climbs upward, but she re-traces her steps at various points along the way. If you, a supporter, understand this, you will be better able to support the survivor you know.

There are a number of ways to describe the healing process, many are both valid and help us to understand the healing process. The medicine wheel, used by many Aboriginal cultures in North America is one way to describe healing and balance that we all strive for. Another description, often used by survivors and community-based organizations, is by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

Bass and Davis have described the stages of healing a survivor goes through. Most of these stages are necessary. However a few or them - the emergency stage, remembering the abuse, confronting your family, and forgiveness - are not applicable for every woman. While these descriptions are directed to a survivor - male or female - this information is vital for any supporter, be they partner, family member, friend, therapist, or other professional helper. The more we understand about abuse, its effects and the healing, the more we are able to support the survivors in our lives and heal ourselves. Here is how Bass and Davis describe the steps in the healing journey.*

The decision to heal
Once you recognize the effects of sexual abuse in your life, you need to make an active commitment to heal. Deep healing only happens when you choose it and are willing to change yourself.

The emergency stage
Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw your life into utter turmoil. Remember, this is only a stage. It won't last forever.

Remembering
Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them as children. Those who do not forget the actual incidents often forget how it felt at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling.

Believing it happened
Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt you, is a vital part of the healing process.

Breaking the silence
Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Telling another person about what happened to you is a powerful healing force that can help you get rid of the shame of being a victim.

Understanding that it wasn't your fault
Children usually believe that abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs - directly on the shoulders of the abusers.

Making contact with the child within
Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser, and a greater intimacy with others.

Trusting yourself
The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions becomes a basis for action in the world outside.

Grieving and mourning
As children being abused and later, as adult struggling to survive, most survivors haven't felt their losses. Grieving lets you honour your pain, let go, and more into the present.

Anger: The backbone of healing
Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who did not protect you even if they could have done so, is essential to healing.

Disclosures and confrontations
Directly confronting your abuser is not for every survivor, but it can be a dramatic, cleansing tool.

Forgiveness
Forgiveness of the abuser is not absolutely required as part of the healing process, although it is often the most recommended. The only essential forgiveness is to forgive yourself.

Spirituality
Having a sense of a power greater than yourself helps you in your healing process. Your spirituality is unique to you. You might find it through traditional cultural practices, through organized religion, meditation, nature, or a support network.

Resolution and moving on
As you move through these stages again and again, you will reach a point of integration. Your feelings and perspectives will stabilize. You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won't erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.

*Excerpt from:
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass
Harper & Row, New York, 1988
pages 58-59

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We can make positive choices to influence our lives for the better

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"Believe none of what you hear,

and half of what you see"

Benjamin Franklin

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